Things never change and never will!

As insignificant as this may seem in light of Hurricane Katrina she has done it again! It is the Labour Day long weekend and we had planned to go to the lake for at least part of the weekend. I decided to be safe and call mymomzilla today to see if she needed us to bring anything back for her. True to form she advised me that she may drive out for the day tomorrow. This made both my wife and I sick to our stomachs. So much so that we debated, fought, cried, got angry and sad all while trying to decide if it would be worth it to be there only to have the evil bitch show her ugly face. Thus far we are still planning on going later today coming home either tomorrow evening or first thing Monday morning.

Ya, ya, ya

I felt I should call her having not spoken to her since hmmm... Monday and the fact that I was told second hand that she was vacating on Saturday. Well there she sits out at the lake feeling sorry for herself and, by her own admission looking at the cottage and seeing all of it's flaws instead of enjoying what she has. her words not mine. Then she starts talking about how much needs to be done and what other people are doing to their places. It's all about keeping up with the neighbours. Stupid bitch. The neighbours don't give a fuck what you're doing to your cottage and you shouldn't give a fuck about theirs. I'm not saying that there isn't stuff that needs doing out there but that it's certainly not falling down around her the way you'd think it was from listening to her.

As for her vacating, don't hold your breath loyal readers. She is now waxing and waning about when she will leave. Now it's as early as tomorrow and as late as a week and a bit from now. I was hoping to take my kids out there on Tuesday or Wednesday of next week to be with my cousin and her kids. I will NOT be doing that if she is there. Having said that it looks like I won't be there to visit with my cousin and her kids. She asked me if we were coming this weekend and I told her no. This was after I told her not to clean as we would do it the next time we are out there. This raised her ire and she retorted "oh you're planning on using the place after I leave." I told her that I wasn't sure and that at the very least we would be out there to close up. Of course she didn't like that. Then at the end of this call which was inching toward deteriorating to her being nasty she tells me that we will soon have the cottage back. I asked her to repeat that just to make sure that she had laid the bait as I thought she had, which she did and I chose not to bite. Boy was it hard not to though. The thing that is the saddest is the fact that we should all be out there enjoying the place together but can not because she makes it so miserable.

And she wonders why I can't be there with her there. Hell I have a hard enough time just talking to her over the phone, let alone living with her. All in all the more I tell her that I am doing better the more she slips back into treating me like the evil bitch that she is. She's back to that same old crap. The cottage sucks and is falling apart. The renters next door aren't doing it right. I'm not behaving properly. She's so lonely and bored. Boo Hoo evil bitch. You have no one to blame but yourself. And for fuck sakes quit phoning me (she just called with questions that she didn't want to bother me with until I was feeling better - more of her shit as I actually do feel better) and saying straight off how sorry you are to bother me. If you were sorry about bothering me you wouldn't bother me. I have such a hard time with that one. If she's called me it's how every fucking phone conversation with her starts. One of these days I going to say back "No you aren't but that's okay because the only thing that really bothers me is you saying that." That will go over well I'm sure. Ya right! It's really sad how she can't even remotely deal with the truth. In the meantime my truth is that as much as I'd like to punt her from my life she is my momzilla and I have to learn to deal with her somehow. I think it will be difficult but for the sake of my family and myself I have no other choice.

Avoidance, that's the ticket.

It seems that avoiding mymomzilla is one of the best and easiest coping mechanisms. I feel much better at the end of the day if I haven't had any contact with her. Now all I have to do is find a way where having contact with her doesn't affect me so. The last couple of days have been better (very little contact.) Having said that I still have her, the cottage, Sid and any other fixer in my world pop into my head on a far to regular basis. I have managed to control those thoughts a little better but they still pop in and out of my head randomly and without cause or warning. That really sucks.

We will not go to the lake this weekend despite the warm weather. I don't think any of us could handle it. The kids haven't even mentioned it and I am just as happy not to go and take the chance of what could happen. With no festival etc. to run away to it would be too much for my wife or I to handle. As my western brother pointed out he often wonders how my wife is able to cope with mymomzilla at all. I often wonder this myself and know that I owe her for all the crap she's had to put up with from her. No one deserves that especially my wife who has to deal with me and my shit on top of her and her evilness.

My feelings are still both anger and loathing for mymomzilla. I really have to let go of some of my anger but am finding it difficult. Especially due to the fact that I have been cleaning up my E-mails of late and in the process have re-read some from 2002 and it's the same shit all over again. Nothing will ever change from her end and as much as I may resent it I have finally learnt that I will have to be the one to change; change how I feel and deal with the evil mymomzilla. This brings me back to one of my universal problems with how life seems to go; that the truly evil, selfish and vile people get what they want because the people around them change to accommodate them and their evil ways. Still I guess it's better to do that than turn into one of them, which seems to be the only alternative. If it takes me the rest of my life I swear I will do whatever it takes to NOT turn into her.

Slice and dice, no one is safe from the knife.

Well we have returned from the lake and are relatively unscathed. More aggravated than scathed I'd say. She was on her better behaviour which under normal circumstances is barely tolerable. There were many times where I had to take deep breaths and or take a short walk or bite my tongue really hard or suck on an Ativan. Avoidance was the name of the game for me although it was not done in a rude way. More like a survivor way.

We stayed just long enough and managed to avoid any issues, much as she tried to at times. She might have got more gnarly with us if not for a call from my eastern brother who was looking for his inheritance from my grandfather which was supposed to come in August. It being delayed proved to be a real problem for him as it would mean he was going to have to forfeit on a place and move in to a shelter. She of course gave him a viscous ride telling him that he wouldn't be getting anything until whenever, and that he was 49 and ought to be getting a life by now, and that she didn't have any money for him. She sliced him and diced him until I'm sure he felt like shit when he got off the phone. She on the other hand spent the evening squawking about his call and what should she do and should she send him the money, blah, blah blah blah, me, me, me, me. She even asked me what my father would have done. I just ignored her or told her I had no answers for her. Of course she did not sleep and by morning was determined to front him the money and get it back when it comes in. This created an instant need to tell him but she did not have the number out there. So in essence he had paid enough of a price with the slice and dice to be worthy of the good deed. Why does it have to be so costly? I don't for a second mean to justify much of my brother's behaviour, or predicaments but he, like the rest of us does not deserve to be treated that way. It proves to be very costly and surely has had something to do with where and who he is.

In the meantime no sooner have I walked through the front door and mymomzilla is on the phone wanting the number for my brother. She couldn't get it through directory assistance and she and her loser brother had hatched some plan to get the money to him tomorrow. I'm so glad they have each other to fulfill each others lives. Better him than me, just stay the fuck out of my business!

Anyway, we went and as much as I could write about the details of the weekend I'll just say this: We did what we needed to for our kids and a little bit for our own sanity and I feel good about that. I am still having trouble having anything but unpleasant feelings for mymomzilla. There were several times where even a seemingly innocent comment would make me have to bite my tongue. They were more or less her normal vile banter but I was feeling particularly prone to it. Her loser brother was even worse. I thought, albeit briefly, about just starting by rudely saying "I have nothing to say to you!" as she did previously. And if she asked why I did it I could have said the same to her as she to me, "because I felt like it!" Instead I was able to control myself enough to have a somewhat pleasant albeit meaningless conversation. To my good fortune we got onto a topic that, by virtue of past employment, I knew much more about than my uncle, who just hates it when he knows he doesn't know more than you about a given topic. Just as we started chatting though, he had obviously been talking to mymomzilla about where I was at and told me that I shouldn't take myself so seriously. That that's what he was always told. So I told them both not to worry and that it wasn't me who I was taking too seriously.

At least its over and I can now look forward to the coming week. Let's hope it's a good one. I need a good week.

A wing and a prayer!

Well it's the long weekend and thus far I am here in the city, being extremely trepidatious about walking into the lion's den that is our cottage. After speaking to my mom who is now firmly entrenched out there I am more-so trepidatious. Seems that last night her and her loser brother were to have dinner at the other brother's cottage next door. As they were walking there they encountered a neighbour from two doors down who started asking my mom about our renters and if they told her about what the pump out guy had threatened.

He had threatened to report us to the Dept. of Environment because of our poorly functioning field etc. This of course sent her into a tizzy. It also sent loser brother into a tirade about how she has got to sell it because no one can afford the upkeep and cottages take up keep and we can't do it. That we should sell both cottages and lots together and get tons of cash while the new owner tears down both and builds a new beautiful palace. Fuck him! And that's what I told her. It was none of his fucking business and he has no right telling anyone what to do. Sour grapes because he was dumb enough to sell his when he really didn't have to and now he is the only one with out. Poor loser, it still doesn't give him the right to bring everyone around him down with him. She claims to have told him that she was not selling, of course adding a yet to that statement later on in the conversation. In the meantime all of this made me very angry and thinking yet again that I would be a complete fool to go anywhere near there. I can't handle dealing with any of this right now. I can't and I a won't. So why would I even go near there.

My true hope was that I could put all of this crap out of the way for just three lousy days and get my family out to the lake for the long weekend. That I could make her unimportant and irrelevant enough for three lousy days and thus be able to relax for a change. Now I'm not so sure. She has yet again turned the tables and made it about her and how this has upset her so. Screw it! Surely I can suck it up enough to be out there for a short period of time. We are going to go after dinner tonight and come home no later than Monday afternoon. I will not discuss any of this crap while I'm there and will do whatever I can to avoid any kind of baited discussions. In fact I will busy myself with my family to the point where I needn't worry about her. Keep your fingers crossed because the real truth here is that we are totally going on a wing and prayer that all will go well and we all will come out of this weekend unscathed.

Fighting the fight again

It's been nine years since I felt this messed up and I hate it. I was able to speak to my doc yesterday and she told me to go back to my regular dose of meds. I'm fine with that but am worried that it will mess me up for the time being; jumping all over the place with my dosage. I'm also worried that what little benefit I had from doubling the dose will also be gone. Time will tell.

This weekend is the long weekend and as much as we want to be at the lake I am very trepidatious about going with her there. I finally spoke to her this morning. She is all worried about me and concerned. Still it comes back to her with her asking things like "is it because I'm here that you're not?" or "would you be more comfortable here if I went home for the weekend?" I tried to tell her that I didn't want that and that if I came I wanted it to be as normal as possible and that I needed to just be able to relax; something I have yet to be able to do comfortably. I suppose in the grand scheme of things it was not a bad call but again it was as much about her and how she is worried about me, and how she hopes she is not the cause of this and how she just wants me to be okay. I appreciate the sentiments but tried to let her know that what I was going through was about me and how I let things effect me. Maybe not in those words but the message was pretty much the same.

Of course, at this stage I would be much more comfortable there if she was not, BUT, I will never take her up on that offer knowing that when she is feeling less benevolent it will come back and bite me in the ass. Not to mention that I am not going to be the one responsible for sending her home from her own cottage. I'd never hear the end of that one. My honest hope is that I can get it up enough to go this weekend and have it all work out just fine. Okay, quit laughing. a guy can dream can't he?

Fuck the cottage!

Well it didn't take long for things to return to what has become "normal" with her. After virtually hanging up on me the other day she called this morning to say that she is going to try and go to the lake today. I told her I thought that was great. I also told her that I was having some rough spells and that I was sorry that I couldn't help her more. She brushed over that and told me that she was hoping that the renter had left the place clean because she could not get her cleaning lady at all. Seems that if you don't use this woman regularly then she has no time for you. I was then told that next year she'll have to make other arrangements because this isn't working for her. That she'll have to beg her cleaning lady to come back to her with the promise of regular use. Seems that if I say no once in five years this is what I get. So much for her not caring about that place and telling me that I can do what I want with it. I imagine that this will be the first of many calls from her today as she arrives and finds things that are not up to her standards or whatever. Well to bad. I can't help you today, deal with it. She ended the call by saying, in her sarcastic tone, that she hoped I felt better and that she would talk to me some time, click. Oddly enough I really didn't feel all that upset when I got off the phone with her.

She has no idea what I am going through right now and I have no desire to try and enlighten her. Hell I have no idea what's happening to me. For several days now I have felt like I am going to crawl out of my skin. It is driving me crazy. I can only attribute it to the increased dosage in my meds and hope to hang on long enough for things to level out. I think that because I was more physically active and high most of the time on vacation that this didn't seem to present itself as it has since being home. I can't counter this with more drugs. That just seems counter productive but I have to find a solution and quickly. My wife goes back to work tomorrow leaving me with the kids and whatever work comes my way. How the hell am I going to deal? I'll just have to suck it up and do my best. I hate what is happening to me. I hate what it is doing to my wife. She is always worried about me now and it is making her very sad to see me and those around me, especially her, having to go through this again. She does not deserve to go through this again. I hate that this is happening to me and just want to be healthy, happy and content. Why can't I be that? As far as I can tell I have very little preventing me from being all of those and yet I can't seem to get there, and yet I need to as I can't continue like this.

Holidays r over ... now what?

Well we had a fantastic holiday and are home now. Not much has changed here. The last couple of days of my holiday I started to think about the fact that up until we left I had my eyes focussed on nothing but getting to the beginning of our holiday. Now it was almost over and I had feeling of great trepidation about what I would find back here and what was my next focal point going to be. To be honest I have no idea. I put so much energy and effort into our holiday and getting my work done that I did not think beyond that.

Now it's over and I feel like I am right back where I started from. The good feelings and warm wishes from her before we left have, as expected, begun to dwindle since our return. I told her today that we were not going to be able to make it out to the lake to clean for her before she goes out on Monday. Seems she didn't like that very much and cut our conversation short, almost hanging up on me. Cie la vie. I owe her nothing and I owe her no explanations. In the meantime I need to enjoy the rest of my wife's vacations as best possible, even if that does not include the lake.

In the meantime I think I go have shower.

A tale of two Tobys

There once was a mom named Toby who had two personalities. One was nice-ish, understanding, accepting and caring, just like you'd think a mother should be. The other was evil, crazy, unpredictable, at times reprehensible, selfish rude and just plain nasty. Not like you'd think a mother should be. Lately only the latter could be found, seen and heard.

Fortunately for me today I got the other Toby. She gushed praise on me about how well we take care of the cottage blah, blah, blah! I know that at any given time and probably sooner rather than later, the other evil Toby will return and I will have to contend with that but for today I am relieved that I did not have to call her and get puked on like I have recently. She was fine with the renters going in, albeit cautious. She was fine with everything although a couple of times she almost fell into the guilt-triping vile slamming mode. I will take my relief where I can get it.

More importantly I can go on holiday knowing that, for now anyway, she has laid off a bit. At least until the next wind, or comment, or look or whatever pisses her off.

Contrasts

As hokey and even unbelievable as it sounds not five minutes after talking to my mom last night my wife's mom called just to tell her that she loved her. No other reason, just that. That sure as hell isn't what my mom told me.

Working today to get ready for Tuesday when we leave for our vacation. Can't wait!

Can't win for loosing!

Five minutes after getting back from the lake I decided I'd better call her and leave the decision about the renters to her. This seemed to rile her and her answer was to question why I was even asking her. She got rankled even more when I said it was because it was her cottage. She replied that she didn't care what I did with the place, then gave me shit for not calling her when the water line was repaired. Bitch! My explanation of the fact that I was very busy this past week and could not go on Tuesday as I thought I would met a cynical "unhuh".

The rest of the conversation was her giving me shit for not calling in the past what...four maybe five days. Again my explanation of the fact that I had a very busy stressful week only seemed to up her venom, to the point where she more or less hung up on me. I just can't seem to do it right no matter what so why I even bother is beyond me. Evil bitch! Tuesday can't come soon enough!

Another day...

It's finally Friday! My wife's last day of work before holidays. We are leaving Tuesday for our camping trip and the weather is looking quite nice for the week. The biggest drag is that I have to go to the lake today and sess things out. That after a nasty thunder storm last night that dumped on us for a couple of hours. And I mean dumped! I'm not to worried about the cottage. These are things I can't control and it will be what it is. I do hope for the renters sake that I can get them in.

I decided to call my uncle yesterday because I saw that he had called here. He was all worried because I sent him one of my previous posts letting him know why I had given up on the cottage. He owns the one right beside ours and lives in the fond memories of days gone by. He hasn't spent enough time out there to see how things have deteriorated, and I don't mean buildings. Those are always well maintained; must keep up with the neighbours and it's all about appearances. He of course was asking me not to be rash and jump to final conclusions about giving up on the cottage. I told him that I hadn't and pointed out that this has been building for twenty some odd years. She used the place against my dad forever and is now doing the same to me. That she is not going to change and unless she gives it up free and clear, signed on the dotted line then I want nothing further to do with it. I did promise him that I wasn't going to do anything rash and that I wasn't going to tell her to sell it right this minute but that something must change or I'm out. So for now anyway, I am taking a wait and see attitude.

After talking further with my wife who waxes back and forth on this issue I am reminded that this is not the first time she has cast us as the reason she does not want to be there. Worse than that is that she does it in such a passive aggressive manner that it sickens me. She did not say what she said to Marilyn spitefully, but instead laid it out like poor us. We have to put with her being in the way, we need the space, etc. Same shit different pile as far as I am concerned. It's still all cast in such a way as to garner her maximum sympathy from her friends, while at the same time making us seem like uncaring brutes. Same tune different song every fucking year. Well I'm sick of it.

Well off I go to the place that has now become so tenuous to me. Should be fun.

This is why I give up on the cottage.

Last Saturday, after making her grand statement that this is her swan-song, that she has given up on the cottage and that she does not care about it anymore, that we will either take it over or she will sell it, she was overheard saying to her friend Marilyn how we have already taken over. How she feels out of place and under foot when we are there together and will not be spending too much time out there if we are there. How we spread out all over the place. How we do everything so it's our place now. How she has had to give up as a result of us. Of course her friend started saying how wrong that was. How she shouldn't let us do that to her. How it's her place and not ours and she should take control back from us. Fucking lying bitch! Now she's making us look bad so that her friend has sympathy for her. She really is a small insignificant fat little woman.

This is why I have given up on the cottage and essentially her. There is never going to be any clear and definite understanding with her. She knows the great lengths we go to to keep that place to her standards. She knows how we tip toe around her when we are there together. She knows damn well that we are very aware of who's cottage it is. Hell she never hesitates to tell us! She is very aware of how we keep our kids and their mess confined and very under control when she is around. She knows that when she is there we do what we can to cater her every fucking want and need. She knows that we are NOT even there during the week. She'll tell us not to worry about the kids messes etc. but we know way better than to believe her.

And then the bitch has the gall to cast us that way! Fuck you! Take the fucking cottage and shove it up your big gigantic ass. I can't handle this stress and rage any more. You are a fucking sick twisted bitch. You've ruined the cottage for me with your lies and half stories and venomous evil shit. Right now I feel that if I ever see you or that cottage again it will be too soon. You and your generation have destroyed that strip. It is devoid of happiness. It is devoid of life and brings nothing but bad feelings. Shame on you for treating your children and grandchildren this way. Shame on you for not having the respect for them or yourself to not puke your lies on to other people. Yet again I say to you "Fuck you!"

A funny way of showing it...

Ten o'clock in the morning and she calls. I figure I'll answer and get it over with. She proceeds to tell me how so sorry she was to watch us working so hard on the damn cottage. Blah, blah, blah. What a bunch of bullshit. She sure has a funny way of showing how sorry she was. If she's so damn sorry why does she have to make us so miserable? That's not at all helpful.

I told her about the hole that I find and my subsequent conversations with Sid about it. He never said a word to her and had spoken to her both yesterday afternoon and evening. I don't know what, if any, kind of games are going on here but I don't care. I just want the fucking problem fixed! I refuse to speculate or engage in any kind of power plays, game playing or underhandedness I just want it fixed and will do it myself if I can't get the bloody plumber to do it. I just need to know one way or the other, fuck!

And in the meantime I have to listen to her crocodile tears about how she can't do it without me and how she's given up on the place and how we should just sell it. In the meantime she phoned to tell me she was thinking of getting a new bed and did I want the old one for at the lake; would it fit upstairs. I said it would not and that if she wanted it in her room it would fit there. She said she didn't want it and then suggested that she take the upstairs and my wife and I take her room. The thought alone of sleeping in that room creeps me out not to mention the absurdity of her suggesting that she climb those stairs. Then comes the standard "well I don't know how much I'll be there anyway." All this after telling me it should be sold! Fuck off already!

Have to go get ready for a meeting. Later.

Mysterious find.

I forgot to talk about the mysterious find late in the day. Everything is slowly but surely drying up. The yard in general is looking much dryer. Everything except for in between ours and my Uncle Paul's place. There the water level has not seemed to change at all. At the same time I notice how clear the water is and when I touch it, how cold it is. This is not ground water, it's well water! Upon further inspection right at the SW corner of Paul's cement footing is a recently dug, perfectly square hole. I can see through the clear cold water the main water line that runs under ground from Paul's to our place. I use a small bucket to empty this hole and see quite clearly that there is a break in the line. So now what the hell do I do? It's 3:00 on a Sunday. I figure surely Sid has got to know something about this hole so I call him. He claims to know nothing of it and then when I tell him what I found he says that that's what he thought was the problem and he had phoned Jim's Plumbing to take a look at it and he never heard back from them. What the fuck? Why didn't he tell me any of this before? So he tells me to phone Jim's and get them to deal with it and that I might have trouble getting him. I try and of course he does not answer on Sunday. I leave a message for him to call either me or Sid. In the meantime I've had to shut the well off!

So now, not only do I have a problem with the septic tank, which was almost completely full of ground water by this morning, a lot of it probably came from this leak in the main line between the two cottages. Talk about being screwed up the ass with no grease! At this rate I'll never get the renters in for their holiday.

Soon I go on holidays and can leave this shit behind for a week. Can't wait!

So you say...

After a disastrous weekend at the lake I am very glad to be home. It was disastrous on so many levels I don't even know where to begin. We got out there Friday evening after spending the afternoon celebrating Canada day with throngs of other people on Osbourne in the village. That was fun albeit tiring. We arrived to the nightmarish sight of water. Water every-fucking where. The cottage was pretty much surrounded by at least six inch deep water. The front yard was flooded like a lake and the back yard was saturated with pockets of standing water all over the place. This was the worst I've seen yet. Now a couple of weeks ago this and the fact that the pump had lost it's prime again may have been enough to send me packing. I handled this okay and we spent what was left of daylight cleaning debris, getting the pump working and settling in for a nice relaxing night. It was really the first time this season that I was able to relax a little bit out there. The debris came from a massive storm there Thursday night that was accompanied by strong Northeast winds that drove the lake and a whole lot of lumber etc. literally over the breakwater and into the yard. Stuff was floating around the yard. It looked like a shipwreck had happened in our front yard. It was very bizarre.

Saturday was going according to plan. I had gone and bought blocks to put at the door of the boathouse as was requested of me. I was busy laying them on a bed of sand when two things happened. 1) As expected but un-announced the bitch and her brother showed up. 2) As planned Gimli Septic showed up to pump the septic tank. As she waddled to the cottage from the driveway I was around the side laying the blocks. Then when the honey truck arrived I went to get the tank ready and she appeared at the door where I gave her a big happy hello but to no avail. She was miserable already so I went about my business working with the honey truck. We pumped as much as he could take and then he had to take off to dump and said he would be back to finish in a couple of hours. During this time I was repeatedly told how she was done with this place and how this was her swan-song and that she was committed to this summer and that she's either going to hand it over to us or sell it. At this point I don't believe a word she says so whenever she said that to me my only reply was to say "So you say."

She spewed this garbage to whomever would listen, including my wife, her friend Marilyn, and anyone unfortunate enough to come by or call including my wife's mother. The piece-de-resistance was when Dave and his friend Mark Potash came to see if the honey truck could do Mark's place and Dave, without thinking, thought he would be polite and introduce Mark to the bitch. As the introduction began she was smiling and had her hand out etc. That is until she clued into the fact that this was the same 'evil' Potash that rented our place a couple of years ago. Fuck you'd think they destroyed the place by the way she treated him. She hid her hand behind her back and was so un-fucking rude to him that I lost it and asked, in front of everyone why she was being so rude. Her answer was because she felt like it. Bitch, I hate you. I went up to Mark and apologized for her rude behaviour. She continued to be foul while I worked with the guy pumping us out and my wife cleaned up out front and in the boathouse. Then while I'm finishing the blocks by the boathouse door she starts telling me that what I was doing was not what she was thinking and that she envisioned more etc. I told her that she should tell me what she wants and I would do it. She spit back that she didn't care any more. I wanted so bad to ask her why the fuck she was there at all. Almost bit my tongue off not saying it. So yet again what I've done is not good enough. Then shortly after me having a huge shouting match with the owner of Gimli Septic over the price which has mysteriously jumped by 55.00 since I made the booking half a week ago, she points to the wood pile and says "that's the pile that I want cleaned up, it looks like a garbage dump." I said that yes I would clean it up but probably not this weekend with everything else that was going on. Again I got the "I don't care any more what you do with this place." So I asked her why then she was intent on telling what to do to which she replied that she wasn't and that all she said was that the pile looked like a garbage heap. Stupid bitch doesn't even know what's she's saying and when! I realize that as usual there is no point to this conversation and just go back to what I was doing. Bitch!

Then they leave and my wife and I decompress from her evil puke. We both have sort of come to the realization that this has become a bad place for us. It is neither relaxing nor enjoyable. The whole strip is full of a bunch of repressed, damaged families that have some how managed to pass that bullshit down to the next generation. Our neighbours have it with there family who actually own the cottage they stay in. It's like fun has been disallowed. We can do better than that even with our crappy camper. Some day we'll be in a position to buy our own place and it will all start with the portion of this place that comes to me. The stress of being yanked around by the bitch is becoming to much and to damaging for any of us. My kids are starting to clue in more and more and they definitely know when there is tension, rage and extreme sadness; all present during the past little while. If I had a way of asking my father to do one last thing it would be to come and take her away. Away from here, away from this earth, gone from my memory forever.

Canada Day...

An anniversary of sorts. Well actually it is a significant anniversary; my wife and I have been officially together for 21 years as of today. Not bad. We've been together half my life now. That's pretty cool. We'll have been married for 15 years as of this September but we have been seeing each other/living together for 21. Good for us!

Yesterday wasn't to bad. Oh, there was no contact nor any attempted contact. Could that be why it was not a bad day? That and the fact that I got quite a bit of work done wile I watched it rain and rain and rain and ... well you get the point. Many places in the province have broken rain accumulation records, Gimli included. The previous record there for the month of June was something just under 150 mm. The new record is just under 200 mm. Now there are all sorts of problems arising as a result of the rain. Air-bourne moulds from fields getting mouldy after having all that water in them and then drying up. There is an E-Choli alert for the south basin of Lake Winnipeg. Probably from all my neighbours pumping their yards into the lake! By doing so they are pumping ground/rain water mixed with septic field water. I guess that's why they are still able to use their systems. A lousy trade off if you ask me.

I dread the next 48 hours as I have to go out there and assess whether or not the renters can come in. I'm getting the tank pumped tomorrow, but I'm guessing that won't make much difference. My only hope is that things dry up out there as quickly as they have here in the city. It was remarkable yesterday how much a few short hours of sun and strong winds dried things up. I am keeping my fingers crossed but am not optimistic. Damn, I just checked the weather forecast and of course it's changed to more rain tonight, tomorrow and all the way through until Tuesday! Nothing I can do about that. Cie la vie! Still the worst part will be dealing with her. The renters have been very understanding at least about the first week. The second one is the more crucial week for them as that is when their European family arrives. I'll do what I can and they know and understand that. At the other end is her and her crap. I'm not going to project, mostly because I'm feeling half decent today, but I can predict that it will be crazy-making and unpleasant.

Must work now. Maybe more later.

Why?

As if things couldn't get any worse it's been raining non-stop for at least 24 hours! My yard has pools of standing water in it; the ground is over-saturated. My basement is leaking and the carpets are wet again. I am on a tight deadline having picked up more work from BCG and my office is in the basement. The RM of Gimli has declared itself a disaster area, mostly due to the farmers plight from the excessive rain but also because people's land in general is being flooded out, ours being no exception. I am about to ruin a number of people's summer vacation plans and I still have this head cold/chest thing going strong! Damn, what did I do to deserve this? I know I've done some shitty things in my life but did I really collect enough bad karma for all of this shit to be hitting me at once?

The worst of it is trying to deal with her while all of this is going down. She called yesterday morning and I didn't answer knowing full well what it would be about. Then she called again later in the day and I figured if I didn't answer she would just keep calling. So I answered knowing what I was going to get. Again it was passive aggressive shit. First she wanted to know how my cold was only because she wanted to tell me that Sid had finally gone to the doctor and was diagnosed with a sinus infection and put on antibiotics. Big fucking deal! She figured that I must have the same thing; she's also a doctor you know. I told her the other day I was seeing my doctor next week and I told her again and she acted like that was absurd because Sid's doctor saw him right away. Like I fucking care! Then instead of asking something normal like "so what do think about all the rain and how that's going to affect the renters," she pulls this passive aggressive shit again. Instead she asks me if I've read the paper today. Did I read the lead story about the rain ruining the lives of all the farmers and that the RM of Gimli has declared themselves a disaster area? I told her I had read it. Her answer was "just wondering?" I did not respond to that and cut the conversation short by saying that I had to go and that I would talk to her later. Her answer was "I guess so!" in her unhappy voice. God damn if you have something to say just say it. I will not play games with you. I will not engage in that kind behaviour. Of course the problem continues to worsen with all this rain and it is unlikely that the renters will be able to get in at least not on Sunday. I know this, and she knows damn well that I know this, but she must play her stupid little games. I have a plan which she is well aware of and if she doesn't like it it's up to her to say so.

Fuck her, I have to work now.

Chicken little...

Shit! We're getting more rain and lots of it today. We are inundated with thunderstorms throughout the southern province. Truth is I love thunderstorms and this would normally not be such a big deal if it weren't for chicken little, the renters and the cottage. Gimli is under a heavy rainfall warning and could receive as much as 100 mm of rain in the next 12 hours. That's a lot of rain in such a short time especially given the fall/winter/spring we've had not to mention the fact that they had another 56 mm of rain this past Sunday night. Why is this happening to me? If it is as bad as they say I may actually have to cancel the renters. That would suck big time as while they are out there they have people coming for visits from the States and Europe. I won't make any decisions until I get out there and see for myself what the conditions are.

She called at precisely 10:40 AM this morning. It's like she sits at the phone watching the clock and phones at exactly the same time each time. I did not answer as I know what I'd get. It would be chicken little squawking about how the sky is falling (and it literally is rain wise) and how all is doomed. She would instruct me that I better phone the renters and tell them that they can't use the place. Squawk, squawk, squawk. That's all she does is squawk, just like chicken fucking little. Well I'm not into giving that an audience today. She can lay it on someone else for a change.

I woke up feeling sort of good today and intend to not let her ruin that. I finally met with a counsellor last night and it went very well. I did most of the talking and unloaded all sorts of crap on her. She said a couple of things that made me realize I needed help much more than I thought. I will see her again on Monday evening and am very much looking forward to it. At the very least I have someone who can listen to all this crap and help me sort through it with an outside perspective and years of experience helping people like me. Keep your fingers crossed, I think I'm onto something here.

No kids today; they're all on day long field trips etc. I'll bet some of them were re-arranged or cancelled due to the weather but none the less they are all at school for the whole day today. I'm still pretty sick with this flu/head cold thing so I plan on taking it easy unless of course BCG calls me in for more work. I'm still waiting to hear from them about the next piece but will try and relax until then.

Passive agressive crap

She had to come here this morning to pick up her cards. Funny how when she wants to she can alter her schedule easily but not if anyone else asks that of her. She bought the wrong ones and although I thought she was going to return them and get the correct ones she has decided instead to just go to the card store and have them make them up. Fine by me; I really didn't need the aggravation anyway.

While she was here it was the usual crap about the cottage, the septic field and the renters. Then she throws in the passive aggressive shit that I hate so much. While sitting with the girls I hear her say "Oh that must be the blue table Sid was asking about." I gave her a look that I thought was obvious about how that made me feel and it didn't phase her one bit. Finally after a few moments of calming myself I said to her "You tell Sid to give me a list of anything and everything he wants back and I'll gladly give it back to him." "Oh no I couldn't or wouldn't do that, you would have to do that" she says. Like hell I'm going to do that. He gave us the shit when he stupidly decided to move in with his girlfriend; a dismal failure. At the time after he making jokes about this move maybe not lasting long I told him that if he wanted any of it back he just needed to let me know. His response was the same as hers "Oh no I'm not an Indian-giver." This is how these people think. And then at the same time they passively make it clear that they want it back but only if you give it to them and not by forcing them to ask for it. And they truly believe this is the proper way of doing things. That asking outright would be crass or some such thing. Fuck that. I'm not giving anything back unless outright asked for it, in which case I'll be happy to be rid of his loser stuff. It probably has bad karma all over it anyway.

Crazy I tell ya.

One of us is crazy and I hoping it aint me. I returned her call this morning to find her with all sorts of ideas about what to do out at the cottage. Most if not all of them are purely cosmetic which doesn't bother me none. What bothers me is he craziness of slamming the place and us one minute and then playing all nice the next. Like she didn't say those things the other day.

I had decided before phoning her that I was just going to agree to what ever she said and do what I had to to get her what she wants. That of course was not good enough and she had the nerve to say things like "It's not up to me, you're the ones who use it so you tell me." or "Why is up to me?" I didn't want to get into how much that pisses me off given the crap she spewed the other day, and simply told her repeatedly that if she wanted this stuff done all she had to do was let me know and I'd arrange for it. The truth is most of it does not need doing before other things and I'm not up to debating any of this with her. That's why I'm trying to just be agreeable.

She is hung up on getting the windows washed inside and out. This is not important to me but after her asking if she should get someone to do it I did tell her that if she wanted it done and knew of someone to do it she should get them. I'm not going to argue with her about that although she persisted with the "why is up to me?" and I finally tried to explain to her that I thought the windows were fine but she obviously didn't and we obviously have different levels of what's fine in terms of window cleaning and if she thinks they need doing then to get them done. Geez, like I have time for this. And so the conversation went. With her laying all of it at my feet and leaving me to do it all and getting pissy about what she perceives as needing done and my apparently not doing or caring about what she feels needs to be done. She started talking about replacing the old wooden sliding windows. I really don't know where she comes up with these ridiculous ideas but I have a good idea where at least some of them come from. She also wants to build a shelter for the wood pile. Not to protect the wood so much but because in her words "it looks like a garbage dump back there."

Then she calls me again, while I'm writing this to ask me again if she should get someone to wash the windows. Enough with the fucking windows already. I yet again, repeat the same thing to her and she decides that if it's going to be raining out there this week then maybe it's not such a good idea. Then she tells me that the shelter for the wood pile is a priority and that she can't leave it looking like this. It's fucking spotless; nicely covered etc. Then she tells me that she knows that I've picked up more work and that she has to go and order condolence thank you cards from her dads death. All in the same breath. You know what's coming next. "Boy it's going to cost me so much to have them done, it's too bad I couldn't just get you to do them." Nice way of asking. Long story short, like a fucking idiot, I'm doing them. Will I ever learn? Apparently not! I'm a dumb ass!

When she wants soemthing...

She called earlier this evening and I could not bring myself to answer. I just was not up to engaging. Along with my mental health being in the pits I woke up this morning with a head cold that is making me even more miserable.

At least this time she left a message. As I suspected she would from her veiled hints the other day, her and Sid went to the lake for the day. She was sweet as pie and gushing about the new lights in the kitchen and the fact that the grass was cut and things were drying up. And I wonder why I'm fucking crazy! She's bloody schizophrenic! Being completely nasty one day and then about the same thing being all nice and gushy. Of course it could only mean one thing; now she wants something from me. Bitch! And true to form the message goes on to tell me that she wants to get me to get a hold of the carpenter because she has some things she wants him to do and that I should call her. Same old, same old. When she doesn't care she'll let her true colours out and be as mean and nasty as she wants, but the minute she needs/wants something from me out comes the phoney gratitude and niceness. Fuck you.

I'm thinking that the best way to approach this is too keep reminding myself that she is in fact crazy and that dealing with her is in fact dealing with a crazy person. That way maybe I'll be less affected when she turns back into the nasty evil one. I don't really know, but I've got to figure out something. Sometimes I re-read these and feel like a great big whiner. If I could control my thoughts and was still thinking this way I would definitely know I was just whining. The difference this time is that I am having trouble controlling my thoughts.

Tired now. I think I'll try and sleep and see how that goes.

Can't seem to stem the flow.

No matter how hard I try I can't seem to stem the flow of nasty thoughts about her. It woke me up this morning. All these things that I want to say to her but can't because of the firestorm that will be created. It's not that I worry about the storm so much. I've always managed to survive her storms. And the truth is I don't care about her feelings and whether what I have to say would be upsetting to her. The real reason I don't is because they wouldn't make a damn worth of difference and accomplish absolutely nothing except bad karma. Believe me I've tried and failed miserably in the past. It's like talking to a six year old who just got caught with her hand in the cookie jar. She gets immaturely defensive and twists everything that you say. It's so warped that it's mind boggling. I once begged and pleaded with her to have an adult conversation with me about the things that were bothering me and it was impossible. She couldn't do it. So sadly, this is where I will have to say those things.

1) I hate you. I hate what you have become and how you foist it upon me and everyone else except maybe your precious brother. How can you live each day being so fucking miserable?

2) Why do you insist on perpetuating Morris' legacy of selfishness, meanness, anger, and rudeness. Can't you see what he's done to you and your brothers? You guys could end it, here and now, but instead you further it by your own actions. Sad very sad. All the cousins have vowed to have it end with you guys. We will not be part of carrying that legacy on any further.

3) Speaking of legacies, how dare you use the one and only really important material possession of our families as a weapon of power and control over me. You know damn well that dad fought and scraped and did whatever he could to keep that place so that it could be passed on to the next generation, and the generation after that and after that etc. It has nothing to do with money and yet you always somehow make it all about that. You know how important it is to me and my family and yet you try and blame us for all that you hate about it. You use me to manage the place and take care of it and then diss me for stuff that is completely and totally fabricated in your twisted head. You have done everything in your power to ruin that place for me and it's starting to work. Damn you for that, my you rot in hell right next to your father. Just remember that once it's gone you won't be able to get it back and if you let it go you'll loose a lot more than a stupid building on a piece of property. I will never forgive you and will no longer have any reason to have anything to do with you.

4) Don't phone me and complain about anything to me any more. You have absolutely nothing to complain about. You have a beautiful apartment that you constantly complain about and put down. You're lonely because you are such a miserable person to be around that nobody can do it for any kind of extended period of time. Your poor health is, for the most part, your own doing. Get off your ass and do something about it. By choosing not to you are pathetic. You chose your friends so don't complain to me when they turn out to be just as nuts and evil as you.

I've had enough for now. Spewing all of this makes me feel no better and in some ways worse. My biggest fear is that I won't be able to end their legacy and I will turn out just as evil and messed up as they are. I'm already turning into a rage case because of her. Maybe the counsellor that I've been trying to reach can help me work through some of this shit so that I can stop it all here and now and not be responsible for perpetuating it any further. At the very least my wife and kids deserve that.

I really hate her.

She just doesn't know when to shut her fucking yap! Stupid bitch almost ruined another event for me and my family by shooting off her insolent negative, mouth. She's sitting with my in-laws before Ellie's grad not realizing or at the very least not caring that my wife is sitting directly behind her. She proceeds to tell them that the cottage is a tear down and that if it weren't for my wife she would sell it and how we don't have any money to contribute. That my wife won't let her sell it. That it needs upgrades and we won't let her do them. That she needs to do them in order to keep getting renters so she can keep collecting money from them. That it has to happen sooner or later whether we like it or not. All this to my in-laws. She'll spew her garbage to anyone. Fuck her.

This made me furious. So much so my wife was extremely sorry she even told me. I was shaking with rage waiting for the ceremony to start. It took me until half way through to get myself out that furry and to the point where I could enjoy and feel proud for my daughter. I was yelling at my wife in the hopes that the bitch would hear me say that she can fucking sell the place because she's ruining it for everyone else. I'm starting to loath the mere thought of that place. I hate her more and more each day for that. She's managed or I've let her destroy that place for me.

Then after the ceremony she has the nerve to repeat the whole thing to my wife as if she had never heard it before. My wife said something like this to her, "You say this every year at this time and then come August when we're sitting out there together you look around and say out loud 'I guess we don't have it so bad after all.' so why don't we skip this part and look forward to August." She can say that and get away with it because she can say it as if it's a joke. If that were me no matter how I said it there would be shit to pay. I have to find a way to make her 'shit' inconsequential. I suppose if and when the cottage is out of the way nothing she says will really be of any consequence to me. I told my wife today that I was trying to hold on and make it through this kind of bullshit so that when she was finally gone my kids, my wife, my brothers and their families, even all of our friends and especially me could actually enjoy the cottage without her or her crap looming. She told me that I (me) could not make it and that it would kill me first. That she's already worried by how I let my mom effect me and how she had never seen anyone evoke such rage from me. She told me, and this was meant as a joke because she loved him so, that she was feeling both mad and sorry for my dad. Mad at him for shielding us from her all those years and sorry for him for what he must have endured in doing so. That it surely is what drove him crazy and to his somewhat early deathbed. Sad thing is she's right.

He would never let us go off on her. Always covering for her evil behaviour, making excuses to us for it. Telling us how she felt worse than anyone about her behaviour and how that made it even worse for her than anyone else. Sort of self-perpetuating. What bullshit. Sorry dad but that was wrong and nothing more than a total excuse for her to be rude and mean. Maybe if we had all grown up telling her that we weren't going to accept this kind of behaviour from her we could have developed better coping strategies or at the very least better fighting skills to stand up to her and her bullshit. There was never any honesty aloud when it came to her. That's still the case. Fuck her.

Another day...

Well I survived to another day and so far not so bad. Actually for some reason I am feeling a little better. Could be that I survived dinner with her last night, relatively unscathed. Had to endure listening to everything all over again while she told it all to my wife. You'd think she'd get sick of talking about the same thing, telling the same story over and over again. Apparently not!

She of course reacted as I thought she would about the girls grad ceremony. "I wished I have known about this. I would have bought a present." Things like that. To be fair I should have told her earlier but really did forget. That being said even if I had told her earlier it still would have created anxiety and whatnot around the simple event. Now I'm not sure if she is coming or not. I know that she's feeling like she wasn't properly invited so she may not show at all. I don't know for sure and the truth is I don't care. If she chooses not to come that's her choice and it has no bearing on anything important. Actually I wish she wouldn't come at all. That way I don't have to deal with her and my family and the school staff and my friends all at the same time. She's so needy and if she doesn't get the attention, assistance, gratitude or whatever else she is demanding this day she makes it very difficult for me to relax and enjoy the event. Selfish of me? Sure but what the hell. Everybody else seems allowed to have their selfish moments, especially her, so why not me once in a while?

Like I care.

I tried taking a day or two off but it was not meant to be. Instead I have had to endure talking to her every day this week! Some days more than once. It's always about the most ridiculous and or mundane crap I've ever heard. Sheet sets for her new bed at the cottage that she is so sure she'll not even use this summer. New pillows for the couch at the cottage. I have been instructed, and I use that term as if I was talking with a drill sergeant, to toss the current 'toss' cushions because they are ugly and thread-bare. Could have fooled me! And of course endless updates about the comings and goings of Sid. What joy that information brings me! I DON'T FUCKING CARE WHERE HE IS OR WHAT THE HELL HE'S DOING!

Today it was a new low. I really have no idea where she comes up with this crap. Today she tells me that she phoned Suchy (Lawn care provider at cottage) to find out if he is not cutting the grass in the back yard because he is upset about the fact that she paid him in instalments. Un-fucking-believable. She got his answering machine and who knows what kind of message she left. Hmmm, could it have to do with the way she paid him or could it be because of the TWO TO SIX INCHES OF STANDING WATER IN THE FUCKEN YARD. Open your eyes ya dumb ninny. What an absurd thing to come up with and from what she said I would gather that she has been obsessing about this since last night some time. Of course I tried to point this out but because other yards have been done she just doesn't get why ours is not. Get a fucking brain will ya!

I suppose the real question here is why do I let this shit get to me. I think part of it is because I get so inundated with it on such a regular basis that it all piles up. In turn I get frustrated with listening. Today I made an initial call to a counsellor. She comes highly recommended by a number of people that I know and respect. Here's hoping she calls me back because today for some reason I'm really feeling like I need her.

Day off.

I tried to take the day off yesterday. Was hoping not to have to deal with her at all. I even figured that by phoning to see how things were and to just say hi would be more than enough, especially when I got the answering machine.

But no it was not to be. She and her obviously not-so-ill looser brother drove out to the lake for the day. From there she called me twice. The first time to tell me how wet it was out there at HER cottage. Like I didn't fucking already know that. While on that call she gave me the gears for not going to the wedding party last night. I told her that because kids weren't invited we chose not to go to that one. She of course tried to justify how people don't need to invite kids to these things which I agree is their right. But it is also my right to say well if you're not inviting all of us then none of us can make it. She told me we were the losers for not going. I laughed and told her that we were instead having a BBQ with a bunch a friends and that I saw no losing in that. Crazy bitch. We're losers because we don't want to go to a fancy shindig at Glendale Country Club? Yah okay!

Then she calls me back to give me a longwinded explanation about what the hell she's going to do with her bed sheets and comforter; when she's going to wash them and where. I'm just about to say "and you phoned to tell me this why?" when she changes the subject and starts with the Sid is doing this next door do you think we should too kind of crap. I tell her that what she is wondering about has already been done. Then she says that he just bought an answering machine and maybe we should get one too. I tell her that I just picked one up at a garage sale specifically for out there. Every time she refers to the cottage she refers to it as "mine" or "my cottage" etc. I'm not sure if she does that on purpose or what but it bugs me. It's hers when it's convenient for her and when there's something wrong it's "our cottage." It's all such bullshit that I can't even give it another shot. Suffice it to say that the nicest thing she said about the place and the work that we did was to agree that yes it was spotless. Bitch! I don't know why I would expect anything different, but if she thinks I'm going to bust my ass again for her like that then she can forget that. I'm sick of it. I'll do what I have to in order to meet my standards but I'll be damned if I'm going to bust my ass to meet her standards again. Not with that kind of non-graditude. Fuck her.

Finally a quiet day.

I have finally had what I call a quiet day. I have not heard from her nor have I called her. I'll bet she is wishing I do so that she can tell me again how guilty she feels about my brother. Truth is I don't want to hear about it right now nor do I even want to think about it or her.

So therein lies the dilemma of this blog. That being that when things are okay with me the last thing that I want to think about or write about is her. That being said, it's a beautiful sunny day and I don't feel like being in front of the com any longer. I think I'll go outside and enjoy the sun for a change.

Could have been a lot worse. A few beer help too.

Well the dreaded event has come and gone and it could have been a lot worse than it was. She was a bit of a nut and very upset from her conversation with my eastern brother last night. Sounds like he laid it on pretty thick. Must be so nice to blame every one and every thing for all his problems and failures. This time round he aimed directly at my mom and surprisingly my dad blaming them for him not going to graduate school and becoming a prof. I don't remember the details that far back but he's as nuts as she is if he truly believes that he's never the reason for any of the shit that has befallen him. Truth is he's brought pretty much everything upon himself and has no one to blame for any of it except himself. Many people have been in his various spots and managed to pull themselves out of it. He couldn't and although I may not blame him entirely for not being able to, I do say he is the only one who could have and didn't.

So tonight he was the focus. Good for me; it's always better to have her fixated on someone else. Despite all this and herself I do think that we killed her with kindness and she sort of had a good time. The kids drew her pictures for her birthday and Sharon, god love her, had gone to the store and bought her a card, a birthstone bear keychain, a bejewelled turtle fridge magnet and a bag of scotch mints (something she shares with the girls all the time) to be from the girls and flowers from us. A couple of beers managed to loosen me up enough to not be anxious or sensitive to some of the usual crap that comes out of her mouth. She was all over the place at times being mad at my brother and or Sid to crying and worried about Sid who she thinks has pneumonia, and guilty about the crap that my brother foisted upon her last night. Here's a kicker: she told me that Sid couldn't take it anymore last night during this phone call and had to go and hide in his room. Afterwards he said he couldn't stand by and listen to the crap he puts her through. He should only know what crap she's put us through. Then he has the nerve to tell her that he's always helped him out by giving him money, but he could never understand why we weren't in constant contact with him and watching out for him. What the hell! What an asshole. Who is he to criticize anything. She then pointed out that she has never even considered buying one of his painting and how wrong that was. Be that right or wrong you can bet that he was the one who pointed that out to her. The Swartz curse lives on in them! Be afraid, very afraid.

Enough for me tonight. It went as well as it could have under all of the circumstances and for that I am grateful. She left sobbing about how it made her feel loved. That after telling me the other day that nobody but Sid cared about her and giving me many days of grief about her birthday. And I wonder why I'm fucked up. ;-)

Strike one

Well she was on the phone when I called so I left a very nice message saying Happy Birthday and asking if we were still on for this evening. We'll see where it goes from there. In the meantime I can't believe how much anxiety just trying to call her has created in me. I am literally shaking. It's not with fear but with well earned trepidation about speaking to her, especially on this day and this occasion, and after our last conversation. Why do I let that happen to me? Damn it!

I'll also bet that with anyone else she will be as pleasant as pie about her birthday. Truth is at one time I could have said that with certainty but not anymore. You see she used to be able to filter her crap only to those who were closest to her; after all it wouldn't be proper nor lady-like to lay that kind of bullshit on a stranger or mere acquaintance. These days she seems to be loosing her filter and does not care who she offends or pisses off. And she wonders why fewer and fewer people really do care about her.

I'll try again after getting my kid from school. Yeha!

The dreaded day.

I woke up this morning dreading this day; her birthday. She can't just play it straight on her birthday. No, instead she must make us jump through hoops almost as if to test our mettle or some dumb thing like that. It really is a no win situation. I have not talked to her yet today but will predict here and now that it will not go well unless I am able to eat a ton of shit and still suck it up enough to take the bitch out for dinner and pretend like I'm enjoying it. This after having to convince her that this is something we want to do and that it is not a burden to do so. She will lay all sorts of land mines and pitfalls for me to step into and will do everything in her power to get me to say that I don't want to take her out for her birthday so that she can blame me yet again for a lousy birthday. It's so fucking infantile. The push me - pull me passive aggressive shit that she is so good at. There is no winning in this situation. That is my prediction and I'm sticking to it.

I just hope I can keep my cool and not blow the damn thing wide open by getting angry and spewing at her all the things that I want to say but know that I would be wasting my breath saying. At the same time saying them would only create a worse, if you can believe that, situation than I have now. The insidious part is that I haven't even spoken to her today and already I am running through all the awful possible scenarios in my head. I have imagined very clearly what I want to or think should be said to her regarding just this; her birthday. I want to tell her that she must stop playing these games with her birthday and that she should mean what she says and if she really means that she doesn't want to celebrate it than we should just fucking ignore it without consequence. It's the fucking game playing that drives me insane. If I were to say that fine we are not going to celebrate her birthday as per her wishes it would come back on me as not caring about her. If I force her to celebrate than I made her do something that she didn't want to do. Hmmm. Feels like being between a rock and .. well ... a crazy bitch. I think I'll choose the rock.

I'll keep you posted as I inch toward actually speaking to her.

So far so good.

Well so far today I have been mostly able to keep her and her evil thoughts out of my head. It has not been easy, I'll tell you. That's the most insidious thing about it; I can't seem to get her and her craziness out my head even when she is not around or calling or anything. She has infused herself in my head like a cancer and it takes a lot of energy to either get her out entirely or to at least forget about her for a while.

The good news is that, for today at least, I have been able to go for stretches of time where she does not come into my thoughts at all. So far, today is a good day. Maybe she won't call or anything and today will end up being a great day!

One can only hope.

Jab, jab cross.

Minutes before we were set to leave for dinner at the in-laws the phone rings. Why is that I know it's her before the phone is even answered? Must be my Spidey senses! Sensing that it's her, from upstairs I ask that it not be answered. Busted! Ellie did not hear me and answered it after one ring. D'oah!!

JAB:
She wants to know when she can deliver her money to me. We discuss this and then she goes on about my brother in TO and his friend who wants to help him. How his friend does not think that sending him any money right now is a good idea. In her words, "well it's not up to him." Then she slags the guy again by questioning his motives and whether or not she should trust him. Eventually she asks me if I would call him and have a conversation with him to make sure that she is getting it straight. Fine by me. She wants this because she's so confused between what he says, what I say and what her loser bother Sid says about my brother. I question "Sid?" and she says "ya Sid and you better not say anything about that." I say ya I better not. At this point she goes into her poor me shit by telling me "He's looking out for my interests. He's the only one who cares about me." I tell her that's just bullshit and that lots of people care about her. "Oh you and 'my other brother'" is her response. I ask what she supposed to mean by that and get her pat answer of "Oh never mind." So I never mind.

JAB:
In the way that only she can, out of the blue she says something to the effect of "Well maybe we shouldn't go out for dinner on Thursday." I tell her that it's her birthday and that we want to celebrate it with her but that I'm not going to force her to celebrate her own birthday." Same old birthday shit. God I'm so sick of it. She goes on to tell me that she doesn't want to be a burden. I tell her that nobody thinks she's a burden. She says she's knows but that is just the way she feels and she can't help it. I reply that there isn't anything that I can do about that and that she is in fact the ONLY one who can control how she feels. Then she says that Sid was asking about her birthday. So I ask her if she'd rather go with him to which she says "oh no, he's taking me out for dinner on Friday." So I ask her if she doesn't feel like she's burdening him to which she replies "Oh no, not at all" Unreal. There is no way to respond to that so I don't.

CROSS and knock out:
The cross comes when she then demands to know if I've found a new doctor yet. In her snarky voice she demands again to know if and if not, why I haven't called my GP yet. I try to tell her as nicely as I can that I'm on it and that I am in touch with people who have better access to therapists than my GP. Not wanting to continue talking with her I tell her to think about Thursday and to let me know what she wants. She in turn insists that it's not up to her but up to me and how I'm feeling being sick and all. It's all becoming clear now. She will say and do what she wants to me now and any kind of questioning, or frustration, or anger on my part will all be chalked up to my illness. So now anything that I may take issue with will just be me and my out-of-control illness and my inability to cope. Hmmm.

Thanks so much for the unconditional support, you bitch!! Only you would use it against me.

Too early....

She tried to call me at 9:20 this morning. Why can't she just leave me the fuck alone? It was her rules she drummed into me as a kid; never phone anyone before 10:30 AM or after 10:30 PM. I had that rule whipped into me as a kid so why does she get to ignore it? Typical. Not that I would be any happier if she called me after 10:30. I plain and simply don't want to talk to her.

It's the same old same old crap. She's going to tell me that she's phoning because she is so worried about me. Now that may sound like a good caring thing to do, but with her its loaded with all sorts of land mines and pitfalls. You see, if history has taught me anything it has taught me that she is already internalizing my strife and making it hers and about her and it will be all my fault. I make her worry. I'm not well so she has to own it and wear it. Fuck off already. Go take care of yourself and quit eating at me. At the same time as telling me all of that she will not really be interested in how I may be really doing, simply wanting to assuage her own crap, be it guilt or whatever. Well I don't want to hear it. And to see her number come up first thing in the morning just gives me a shitty start to my day.

I know I need to do what I have to to not let her affect me so. That's my job and I will do it. I start by spewing stuff here and then go on and have as good a day as possible despite her.

Wish me luck!

Money is not the answer.

Get this. A few hours after our last conversation she calls me again. She tells me that she is uncomfortable with our conversation earlier. I ask her how so? She tells me again that she didn't know I was feeling down and that I should have told her outright because, and this is one of her favourite lines, "I'm not a mind reader." She loves that one. I tell her that it's not something I go around broadcasting. "Well you should have told me, I'm still your mother." I repeat over and over throughout the conversation that all I needed was for people not to lay negative shit on me. That it wasn't just her but everyone and she shouldn't have made it about her and/or taken it personally. After saying all this she asks me how it has manifested itself. I tell her again that I can't deal with negative crap and that kind of stuff is getting into my head and messing with me. How many times do I have to tell her that? She then tells me how worried she is about my brother in TO and that she's not convinced that his friend doesn't have an ulterior motive. I ask why she has to think that everyone has a hidden agenda and that if he wants to help my brother all the power to him. I tell her that if he can do it great because the only two people who could have done it are not here anymore. Of course she didn't get who I was talking about so I had to tell her that it was my Dad and my brothers best friend Laird, both of whom have passed away.

She then asks me to get a hold of my other brother and get his banking information. An odd request I figure and I ask what that's all about. She has decided to throw us each some money as if that's the answer to all of our problems! Now don't get me wrong; I can always use some extra dough and am always grateful for anything she or anybody else gives me but it is certainly not the answer to my problems. Hmmm, maybe it is; I'll use it to pay for therapy! LOL It's the least she could pay for, after all these years of verbal and mental abuse.

Man life sucks sometimes. It's a remarkably lucky thing that I have so much to live for other than her. My wife is truly remarkable in her ability to understand and support me. My kids are marvellous and make each day worth it. That despite their kid-like trials and tribulations. Well tomorrow is another day. Yeha.

Deaf as welll as dumb....

The bitch is as deaf as she is dumb! While speaking with her today she tells me about my brother in Toronto and his friend who wants to try and straighten him out. This after the precursor of "I know you don't want to hear anything negative from me but I have to tell you about this long conversation I had the other night." No problem for me. I told her that I also spoke to my brother and that he was going to have to get out of his latest jam on his own. The conversation progressed to the cottage and what I was able to accomplish out there this past weekend despite the rain and over-saturated grounds. She then tells me that the only reason she does any upgrades is because of the renters, because they "pay the big bucks to be there." Bitch. You can bet that one was a contrived shot. Either way I responded that it wasn't the reason I do it. To which she responded "Oh you'll never agree with me about anything." I wonder what she is talking about and where that came from and she tells me to forget it. I refuse and tell her that she can't just lay that one out there and not be prepared to talk about it. So she says something lame like "if I say white you say black." Not true but oh well.

I ask her if she has any idea where I come from or what's going on with me. She says no. So I finally lose it enough to tell her that I have been fighting a major depression for the last couple of weeks. "Well I didn't know that!" I said to her that I had told her that I couldn't deal with anything negative right now and that should have been enough. That she shouldn't have taken that personally as it had nothing to do with her. After asking me if I had seen my doctor I told her that I was working on that and that this is a battle I wage every day and that this time it was getting the better of me but that I was fighting the fight which was why I had asked everyone to not load me up with negative thought.

Now here's the kicker. After, in only a tone she can speak in, saying "Well I'm sorry to hear that you're sick but you don't tell me anything" she asks me what I think brought it on. I respond by saying that I wasn't sure but it was a difficult last couple of weeks. She says "Oh you mean your friend dying?" again in a loathsome voice. I said yah that probably had something to do with it but I wasn't sure for sure. All of the sudden she starts telling my about another 40 something young woman who passed away in her sleep this past weekend. She then goes into dirt about the shual and it's demands for a burial to occur. All quite sad and sickening and I tell her that I can't deal with that right now. That I have to go. She of course gets all ruffled and put off by that. Too fucking bad!

So what is the point of all this? I don't know, just spewing and such. Truth is this is just one more example of her inability to hear anyone else! One more example of how evil she can truly be. I need help and I am seeking it out as we speak. More later.

Stupid bitch.

Try as I might not to have negative thoughts and feel down I can't help but feel it when I find that the dumb bitch didn't get it when I told her that I COULDN'T deal with any negative shit. She in fact took it personally, as I feared she would, and cried to my brother yesterday that I don't want to talk to her anymore. That by saying that I couldn't hear anything negative from her or anyone else I was really saying I didn't want to hear anything she had to say and therefore didn't want to talk to her and don't care about her. Give me a fucking break!

How pathetically sad and disappointing it is when a son has to remind his fucking mother that he has clinical depression that sometimes rears it's ugly head and that I do what I can on a regular basis to keep it at bay. That despite my best efforts it sometimes bubbles to the surface and messes me up! Dumb bitch. It's always all about her. I'm getting so sick of waking up and having her and her evilness be one of the first things that pops into my head. I can't live like that and will not live like that. That being said I have to find a way to do it. So far I have not been at all successful and its killing me. Slowly and excruciatingly painfully.

Worse yet it's her birthday on Thursday which means I'm going to have to do the horrendous yearly birthday dance with her. She will tell me over and over that she doesn't want anything done for her birthday and then punish me if we don't force her out for dinner or something like that. More on that as it unfolds.

Fuck I hate her sometimes. And I haven't even spoken to her yet today!

Does anybody read these?

I'm just curious if anyone else reads these. I'd be writing regardless so it makes no never mind to me if one reads this or not. I would like to know though if anyone is reading it. So if you read this stuff please feel free to leave a comment or two, even if it's a disparaging one. Think I'm whining? Let me know. Can relate, by all means please let me know, because you know: misery loves company. LOL Think it's all crap or been there done that? Oh well, either way let me know.

She heard me!... for now.

Well the other day I told my mother that I couldn't hear any negative shit anymore. Not in those words of course, but pretty close. I told her that I was telling everyone that I just couldn't deal with all the negative stuff that comes out of so many peoples mouths anymore. That I felt that if you didn't have something good to say then it shouldn't be said.

Today she called and we're chatting about this and that and she stops and says that's all I have to report, especially because you don't want to hear anything negative. To that I responded "No I CAN'T hear anything negative and I appreciate very much that you stopped there. Thank you." I got the distinct feeling that she wasn't very happy about it but hell I don't give a damn as long as she doesn't do it. And she didn't! That's always been one of my biggest and most confusing problems with her. You never know when she is going to hear you and comprehend what you are saying. When she does it actually can feel like a step forward. When she doesn't it's hell. She'll take anything like that as a personal insult and turn it on you somehow. The firestorm grows in intensity until it is mean and evil. Pure evil. Her tongue lashes out like that of a finely tuned whip. Okay though, enough negative, the positive here is that this time anyway, she heard me and stopped herself from going down the negative road with me. That's really all I can ask. For her to stop herself if what she is about to say isn't nice. I don't really care what she thinks. I just can't deal with her inflicting it on me. Only her words and her actions can have an effect on me. And even then it is supposed to be up to me with regards to what she says. I think it sad that she could be any kind of content feeling as miserable as she generally does.

At least this time I got a break and was not feeling wounded afterwards. How sad is that; often after interacting with my mother I feel totally wounded in some way. Not so today. It was a good day.

Made me feel okay about the fact that we were dumping the kids with my wife's folks and driving a bed out to the lake to replace my moms. We went out, had dinner, moved furniture and headed back home. We were probably in Gimli for no more than an hour. I would have felt really hard done by if she had been evil about the whole thing as has been my experience in the past. Not this time though. Must have been my lucky day.

Fighting the fight; some more.

Well today was a better day. I didn't feel as anxious when I woke up. I have altered my med schedule which may be helping. For years I always took it first thing in the morning. Then over the last several months it slipped until I was taking it with lunch. Now I am back to taking it first thing which also means I am forced to eat breakfast as it must be taken with food. That's a good thing.

I'm also cutting back on my other drugs of choice. Beer is pretty much gone. It's is not playing nice with my gut. Coincidentally my gut settles down quite a bit when I'm not drinking it. Hmmm, think I'm on to something here? Duh! I'm cutting back on weed as well. Can't hurt although after my last crash from quitting completely I think at the very least I need to wean myself down to nothing, nice and slow like.

I also talked to my wife today and let her in on how bad yesterday was. I told her that yesterday I thought I was going to have to make a doctors appointment and that I wasn't feeling like I needed it now. She asked me to make it anyway. I guess I can't blame her for making that request. She's been down this road with me once before and certainly doesn't deserve to go down it again. I told her if she can find me a name of a good counsellor I would go and talk too them. I'm really not interested in a shrink anymore. Not one of them has ever done me a damn bit of good short of writing scripts for me. They've all taken the approach that my mother isn't going to change and if I can't deal with her because she's become so toxic to me then I have to get her out of my life completely. Easier said then done. Not to mention that I really don't want it to have to come to that. Only one of them even attempted to talk coping strategies with me and he left. That's what I really want and need. Ways to cope with her without exercising her completely from my life and the lives of my wife and kids. This is one; surely there has got to be others.

She just phoned, saw her name and number on call display and it made me shudder, and I didn't answer. See, there are others. :)

Feeling sick

I am writing today to express my abject terror at the fact that I am feeling poorly. It's a feeling I know all to well and it scares the crap out of me, not to mention making me feel broken and weak. It is that feeling of the onset of a severe depression. I've been there done that thank you very much! I swore I would do anything not to go there ever again. That is why after almost 10 years I am still on Zoloft. Why is it happening?

It would be too easy to blame it on her, but the truth is she has definitely played a roll in this one. She has become so toxic to me that it is literally making me sick. This weekend was horrendous. I could not relax at all out at the cottage, and she wasn't even there! She was ever-present in the back of my head though! Get out! Get out of my fucken head you bitch!! I clean something out there and I have to ask myself if this will pass her inspection knowing full well that regardless of what she says out loud she'll be thinking that it could have been better. Why do I even bother? Wouldn't the fucken $60.00 it would cost to have someone else do it be worth it? Then at least whatever isn't done well enough wouldn't be my fault. True it wouldn't but it will always be something.

I don't like feeling this way. Not one bit. I'm shaky from the inside out, very anxious and feel sort of lost. I think this is what they describe as general malaise. I have no energy, not much turns my crank and my appetite is down to nothing. I eat because I have to not because I want to. Could the last couple of weeks be the reason? My daughters Bat Mitzvah and all the crap that my mom pulled, too much emotional turmoil in general from her combined with the start of summer (always anxiety provoking when the cottage is involved) along with my grandfather's death and the real capper, my friend's sudden death. Geez, when I lay it out like that it's no wonder at all that I feel the way I do. I guess it helps knowing that but it still doesn't answer the all important question; When does it end?

Fighting the fight

Last night while sitting around with some friends having a beer I came to a sort of epiphany. That being that if I say equally negative things about her as she does about me and others doesn't that make me just like her? Doesn't that just make bad karma on me? Well not any more!

From now on I am going to be telling all those in my life that if they don't have anything good or pleasant, or positive to say about anyone or anything then I don't want to hear it! I told this to my youngest daughter (5 yrs.) today and thus far she has grasped it with full understanding and compliance. Now I am not naive enough to think that this will continue with her indefinitely, but the fact that she understood and is doing her best to comply tells me that this is the right way to go. I can only hope that it will be even half as effective when I ask that of my mother! She will no doubt take it as a personal shot but I don't give a fuck. I am determined and committed to feelings of happiness and good will and will not let anyone or anything get in the way of that. I can't live with it being all negative and nasty. It just hurts too damn much.

That's incredible! Sadly it's not.

She is so pathetic. She was bad mouthing you know who, her un-favourite grand daughter, yet again. It makes me so mad and I think part of it is because I choose to say nothing, sit and listen and then try and carry the conversation elsewhere. That's pretty pathetic in it's own right. It turns my stomach and makes me physically anxious. I feel like I just want to shake her and scream at her.

Fucking bitch! It just blows my mind that she really thinks she is right here. That it's the grand daughter's loss. If that isn't the most rediculous thing I've ever heard. As far as I'm concerned anyone who can and does exercise her from their lives will be far better off for it. I would get her out of my life if I could. But I can't so now I must find a way to deal with her evilness.

I think I'll start by going to a friends tonight to have some beers, hang out and just be normal for a change.

Definitely not out loud.

Today my grandfather finally passed away. The she bitch is terribly unhappy and upset. I feel nothing. As far as I am concerned he was a nasty man who stuck around far too long for anyones good. I had made the choice many years ago not to go and see him in the home; it was too difficult to deal with. And it's not what one might think. It was after talking with him and listening to his evil rants and simpering whining that I would be so angry that it would be all that I could do not to hit him.

To say I feel nothing is actually incorrect. The truth is I am feeling very selfish. The she bitch and the whole process of my grandfather's funeral is going to be so unbearably gross that I don't think I will make it through without wanting to hit someone. All I wanted to do this weekend is shut myself down with my friends and wife and kids and mourn the passing of my friend and her baby. They had a whole life ahead of them and now they don't. He lived a full life of screwing his kids up and now we have to mourn him? Now I will have to spend yet another weekend with my fucked up extended family and watch them in all their dysfunctional glory mourn a man that nobody in their right mind would miss! Harsh, I know, but fuck it. Look at the legacy of pain and suffering due to his harshness. He was a mean SOB and he produced a brood of Morris clones. Goodbye Morris, may you rot for eternity. Actually he rotted for years on this earth, may he finally rest in peace and thus give us some peace; finally!

just sad...

Ya know it's just plain old sad. My friends death has weighed heavily on me the last couple of days. And yet, albeit foolishly, these thoughts of sadness are intertwined with thoughts of the she devil sitting at home making my not calling her all about her. I know the pattern. If I don't call her I get shit for not calling her. What, is her fucking finger broken? She is the last person I want to talk to right now, about this or anything else. She will ultimately say something rude or inappropriate about this and somehow make it all about her, just like she did when Gogie died.

Now who is the pathetic one? See how she invades my head? I really must do something about that. Drugs are not the answer. The only other answer I can think of would be distance. A very complicated answer that at this time really isn't a viable option. At least in my mind. So what then? Zen? I found a Dashboard Widget (www.DailyTao.org) that displays a new chapter of the Tao Te Ching everyday. Today's goes like this:

Nothing in the world
is as soft and yielding as water.
Yet for dissolving the hard and inflexible,
nothing can surpass it.

The soft overcomes the hard;
the gentle overcomes the rigid.
Everyone knows this is true,
but few can put it into practice.

Therefore the Master remains
serene in the midst of sorrow.
Evil cannot enter his heart.
Because he has given up helping,
he is people's greatest help.

True words seem paradoxical.

I get what it's trying to say but as is stated "...few can put it into practice." I know I have a hard time believing that the soft can overcome the hard, yet there are real examples of it all around me. Bringing it closer to home though all I see is the 'Hard' people getting what they want because most people don't want to deal with their hardness. It just seems that way to me. My wife's sister is one of those. She a ball-busting bitch who yells and screams the minute she thinks she's not getting something, be it better service, something equal or better than what her sister may have got, or her kids not getting away with whatever they want. Right or wrong she makes a fuss until she gets what she wants. Now those who see this don't really like her. Is that the trade off? She still gets what she wants and seems to care less about what people think. It's a narcissistic type of self righteousness that is UGLY! Toby on the other hand seems to get her hardness from years of pounding by her father and maybe even her husband and thus has one of the lowest self esteems I've seen in anyone. That still doesn't excuse it from either of them, and yet seemingly out of intimidation and 'hardness' they both get to do and say what they want without retribution. That's just fucked up.

Of course as I write this she calls me to find out if we're going to the lake this weekend it being so miserable out and all. When I tell her what's been going here she says she's sorry and goes about her shit like nothing has happened. Damn her! Can't she just accept what I'm saying, hear it and back off of her shit for a minute? It's all about her! Fuck her!

Perspective...

A friend of mine who has a 2 year old son and was five months pregnant died of a heart attack last night. If that doesn't put things into perspective then nothing will.

Addendum:
She really died of a blood infection due to pneumonia.

Who's the sucker now?

So the crisis regarding the cottage seems to have come to some sort of resolve, at least for the time being. It is as it was before she had her latest episode. I do everything and she complains about it all. Yeha!! Yet I keep getting this nagging feeling like I am giving up or in or something like that. Two days ago, for my own well being I was resolved to cut her out of my life. I was resolved to walk away from the cottage, knowing that it will never change, at least not as long as she's alive. I was working through being able to let go of something that is truly treasured but that also comes with what at times is an untenable cost. Now with one phone call most of that has changed.

But who's the sucker? I know it's going to happen again. It will all happen again, and again and again. So why do I open the door every time? Maybe I'm the loser. I mean really how many times do we need to bang our heads into something before we remove it or ourselves from harms way?? Life is full of sacrifices and difficulties, especially when raising children. Is this why I sacrifice my sanity; so that they may experience the joy of being at the lake. Of course they would be overjoyed at any lake, but it's not camping it's a cottage which is a completely different animal. There is continuity in a cottage that you can't get with camping. Friends, family, town sites etc. So do I do this for my kids? I suppose so.

So where does that leave me? Dealing with a crazy bitch, that's where. The rare episodes of rational compassionate understanding aside, deep down she's still a crazy bitch that one should always have their guard up when interacting with. And how in the hell am I to be out there and even cordial to the loser next door. If it were up to me I would have absolutely nothing to do with him. Unfortunately it's not that simple. He will be there. He will always be a presence in her life. Crazies attract crazies, especially when they're brother and sister. The incestuous nature of the way things work with them makes it impossible to get away from. So what to do? How can I have any kind of discussion with him when I have absolutely no respect for him? When all I'll really want to do is hit him on sight? Can I really eat that kind of shit? And for what? For my wife and kids I suppose.

later, later that day:

Eye matey there has been a shift in the winds and the tide has taken an 180⁰ turn right out of the eye of the impending inferno. Low and behold after having the begeezies scared out of her by my phone message she realized that she didn't know squat about operating a cottage. In her weepy words, "I don't know how to do any of this and if I have to do it myself I have to sell it." This after me repeatedly telling her that I would be overjoyed to help with the place. That it's a pleasure not a burden. But no more games. Don't tell me one day that you want "Control" and then turn around the next day and tell me that you can't do it on your own. I will give her credit for apologizing albeit in her usual passive/aggressive wording.

Could there be hope yet? I doubt it! We all know what lies just beneath the surface seeping out of every disgusting poor that she has. It boils and simmers until the next time. It may take days, sometimes mere moments and, if one is really lucky, many weeks, but it is inevitable. The She Bitch from Waterloo will in deed erupt and spew forth on us yet again.
Addendum:
Does it make me a big loser for not sticking to my guns and not cutting everything off? Especially when knowing full well it's going to continue to happen over and over as long as she is in my life. Is the cottage really worth that?

even more later that day:

I have too much to do today to let this consume me any further! I phoned into her message machine and left her two more numbers she should call. One was to get the cable hooked up and the other was to confirm with renters who want it for the first week in July. Let her piss with them, they'll walk after the first interaction with the bitch. Contrary to her warped mind people see right through her and sense that they should run, not walk, the other way as soon as possible.

I did the phone thing because given how I am feeling I don't think I could really handle talking directly to her. It's probably safer that way; I can't get carried away and fall into one of her traps or endless rounds of mean, evil salvos. She should have been a boxer because boy can she serve up the shots. To the head, to the gut, you name it she doesn't pull em. She coulda been a contenda!! LOL Evil Bitch!!!

I am doing whatever I can to detach and be done. I'm sorry for what this may do to my kids but the truth is, it is my job to look out for their well being; both physical and mental. When the evil bitch is like this she is dangerous to my children and therefore I will get in between and protect them form her shit, even it means disassociating all of us from her. Who really loses there? Not me or my kids. No they may miss her at first, although I doubt it, but eventually they will all be old enough to understand what we have done for them. No one, not my dad, not me or my brothers and nieces and certainly not my wife and kids deserve to have her horror show foisted upon them like it's her right to make our lives miserable. IT'S NOT YOUR RIGHT TO DO THAT. I DON"T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU ARE MY MOTHER. YOU DO NOT GET TO TREAT ME OR MY FAMILY THE WAY YOU DO ANY LONGER. I WON'T LET YOU, EVEN IF IT KILLS ME. Now go and FUCK OFF and die, you bitch. IF you're going to continue living like this and not do something about it, you deserve to die. Just make it soon so the rest of us can forget about you and move on in a positive direction.