Hmmmm. Still something to say.

For some reason I am not having a good day and have found myself here so I thought why not write something.

Maybe it's because last night I was at my daughter's musical and I couldn't help but think how sad it was that her Baba could not be included in the audience; an audience full of baba and zaidas. Then I remembered how atrocious her behaviour was at the last school concert event that we invited her to. This put me into sort of a fowl mood when I should have been feeling nothing but pride and happiness for my daughter.

Recently my wife had an encounter with one of my momzilla's best friends. They were in a mall when my wife felt the presence of someone staring at her from behind. When she turned around she found this woman standing mere feet away staring at her and seething. She was so angry that she just turned in an angry manner and, without saying a word stomped off. my wife was not amused but glad to have not had a confrontation. I on the other hand would welcome one. Not that I am looking for one but I have gone over in my head exactly what I would say to some of these fans of my mother if given the chance.

I don't for a second think that I would change their perception of the situation but it sure would feel good to put it out there for them to chew on. The truth will prevail as it always has and I know the truth where they do not. I would start by telling that I sleep at night knowing that she has not alienated everyone from her life and that people like this friend are important for her to have in her life. I would then tell them how sad and difficult it is that I can not be one of those people. That they know one version of this person and I know a completely different and vile version. That her treatment of me was doing two things to me. 1) Continued contact with her was turning me into her - miserable, angry all of the time, mean spirited to everyone who came in contact with me. A raging anger case if nothing else. That this was going to lower me to her level and I was going to start treating her with the kind of disdain and evilness that she was treating me. 2) that because of this I was extremely angry and unhappy to the point where I felt it would be a welcome relief to me and those around me to simply not be here any more, as in dead. Either her or me. Fortunately I had the good sense to do the right thing for myself and my family and stop having contact with her. I believe that this truly saved my life. I had tried everything else to deal with her and nothing worked.

I know that they look at it as "how could I treat HER this way, how could I DO this to HER. I would ask them how she could do this to me and remind them that because of HER treatment of me I no longer have a mother, that despite gaining my life back I lost much in making this decision and that they have no idea how impossible the situation had become for me to do this. This woman in particular has known me all of my life and I would challenge her to recall that she knew me well enough to know that I am not the person I am being cast as. I would have asked her how dare she judge me in any way and that my wife and kids deserve for me to be healthy happy and whole. That I deserve that too. If they were still listening I would then try and give them a little insight into Borderline Personality Disorder and that if they truly want to understand both sides of this mess they should do some research. I would remind that not only did I loose much here but I also miss my mother and truly wish I could be there for her especially as she ages but that to reconnect with her would be tantamount to committing suicide.

I'd doubt that they would do any research, nor do I think this would change their impression in any way but I would still like the opportunity to have at least said it.