Some how in all of this there is levity

Here is a reply to a post I made in a particular forum. That post is very similar to my last entry here.

Re: the Unclezilla. Have you tried massage to try and calm yourself? Back where I grew up, we had something called an "attitude adjustment" massage, which is simple to learn, and can be done alone or in group. Normally it is done by hand, but some people prefer to use a small instrument called a base ball "bat". Here's how it works. Have the grouchy uncle take off his shoes and lie comfortably on the ground. Grip the thin end of the "bat" tightly with both hands, then tap the grouchy-bear uncle briskly on the head, shoulders, back and legs, working your way down one side and then up the other. Tap smartly, and don't be afraid to bear down a little, as you really want to get in there and get those grouchy demons out! I think you'll see a real change in grumpy old uncle's attitude, and you'll feel better too!

The poster goes on to point out that they are of course joking and I thought it a dose of levity where not much else is.

In response to that post which included questions about my past relations with unclezilla I posted the following:

Athough an angry and intimidating force in my childhood Unclezilla has only come at me once and it was only a few years ago when I was 40. Can you believe it! He lunged at me grabbing both my arms at the wrists and kept charging, pushing me back while yelling at me. I just went with him utterly shocked at first. Then my niece's boyfriend was about to jump in to help me when I stopped him and told him to back off while struggling free from unclezilla's grasp. I proceeded to tell him as he ran away that he was lucky this time because I didn't fight back and that next time he wouldn't be so lucky. This is one of the many reasons I would like to simply avoid him all together. I don't want it to come to me beating on him, as good as that might feel for the moment, as it would only end up hurting me, yet again. I will do my part to make sure nothing dumb happens. Its the parts that are out of my control that make me anxious. Nothing I can do about that though.

The fact that I even have to think about this shit makes me shudder.

When I re-read this I realized how insane that night was and hope never to have to repeat anything like that again.

In a different posting further evidence that I/we are not alone as this person wrote this about their father:

Our N parents live in another, delusive world. There is a thick distorting glass wall between them and us. We will never EVER be able to share with them what we think is normal, loving, polite or logical. It took me a very long time to see this and accept it, too. (I couldn't believe it!! There had to be SOME sense in this man! He always appeared to be such a superior human being....) So I was outraged, astonished, feeling guilty, disappointed, in pain etc. for a long time, too. Over and over again.

I couldn't have said some of this better if I tried.

A post about Non Contact that I wrote in a different forum

I recently went NC with mymomzilla (NM). It has been since October/06 and it has not been without its trials. We live in the same mid-size city as her. I am also the only sibbling that lives in the same city as her and most of my extended family.

With the help of a therapist I spent several years trying to put some boundries between her and I. Boundries designed to maintain some contact while at the same time protecting me from her evil ways. Sadly the more I put up boundries the worse things got until I had no choice but to go NC. I've tried over the years to explain how I have been affected by her and that I nor anybody deserve to be treated this way. More often than not I'd get the line "but she's your mother and you only get one mother in this life. Suck it up!" Terrible advice. I tried talking to her about how she made me feel. As many of you know that was like talking to a wall or worse very often anything I said would get turned around on me and made to appear like I was the one who was wrong, sick, mentally disturbed, evil, abusive, dissrespectful etc.

The really difficult part right now is that I have not made my kids go NC. They are 14, 9 & 8 and still love their grandma although my oldest is definitley aware of what is going on and knows that her grandma does not treat me well and that is why I have not spoken to her. I am so torn by this as I know it is only a matter of time before she turns on them. My thinking along with that of my wife is that there is regualr grandma crap that we all put up with growing up. Stuff like the guilt trips of grandkids not calling often enough etc. Then there is the N stuff and if and when it crosses over to that she will loose contact with them as well. Someone posted earlier that if they wouldn't expose themselves to their NM why would they expose their kids? I too wrestle with that but up till now we have chosen to go this route.

The other difficult part of this is that with my kids having contact with her I sometimes have to hear her voice on my answering machine and at times that alone is enough to set off an anxiety attack in me. She calls to make arrangements with them. It's funny that back when I was talking to her and she would give me crap for them not calling I would respond by telling her that they were small children and if she wanted to talk to them she should call them herself. Be the adult for a change. (Meaning quit trying to get NS from them!) Now she's actually doing it and it messes me up. D'oah! Can't seem to win for losing. She did contact me directly once. She called just after dropping my daughter off from her birthday lunch and shop and when my daughter answered I assumed she wanted to tell her something. Instead the phone was beig shoved in my face and I felt I had no choice but to take it. She introduced herself to me as if I didn't know who she was and kindly demanded that I return her keys to her. I had spare keys to her condo, car, mailbox and cottage. I politely agreed to returned them and that was it. After several months of no contact that is the first and only thing she had to say to me. Nice. I sent them back registered mail so that I could get a signature indicating receipt. That way she couldn't turn around and say she never got them.

Now unclezilla is back in town since being away all winter. Now I live with the added anxiety of a confrontation with him never mind her. He is a hot head and has physically attacked me in the past. I want to avoid him at all costs but fear as the great protector of mymomzilla he will hunt me out and confront me on something he will never accept nor understand. While away he left me a nasty message telling me what he thought of my NC and how I was "treating" her. That I was not worthy of his respect etc. Like I care.

Throughout this I have never asked nor expected anyone else to change. I learned a long time ago that nobody can change anyone except themselves. I know she won't change. She has made that very clear saying point blank "I won't change for anyone or anything." Fine then live with the consequences of who you are and know that I did everything in my power to make it work but have had to realize that nothing does. Hence NC.

I obvioulsy have much to say and even more to work out, especially in the area of NC. I have done it for the most part. It has not been easy and it is still very much a work in progress. The bottom line is that NC for me was a necessity, plain and simple. I feel it was the most humane thing to do as to stay embroiled with her would have turned me into an abusive nasty ass to her or worse, I would have physically hurt her or more likely myself in order to get out from under this pain and suffering. That's how I felt two years ago and thankfully have moved in a more positive direction since. Sadly though I fear it is far from over and that alone exhausts me just to think about. Sad but true.

Feeling anxious yet again

After a couple of days away; we went to the hotel in Gimli for two nights as it's spring break here; I woke up at home this morning feeling anxious and unsettled. I can't pin point why but know that it is a genuine feeling of some sort. It could have been as simple as knowing that mymomzilla called here while we were away wanting to get together with the girls during spring break. I couldn't believe how I allowed just hearing her voice to effect me. It makes me pretty angry when I stop and think about it. Angry and sad. I think being in Gimli may have touched a nerve as well. It is after all spring time; time to start thinking about the cottage etc. Well not for me. Depite trying everything it is something that I have had to let go of and I will have to deal with the mixed feelings that that brings. The truth is that as much as I don't want it to happen I truly wish she had sold it like she said she was going to. After putting me through hell with this place she was determined to sell it last fall and made that unequivocally clear. I was actually okay with that as I saw it as a way of getting the allbatross we call the cottage from around my neck. Now that she's not it almost feels like a slap in the face. Just one more ploy for her to stick it to me. It goes something like this: (her) You won't take care of it anymore (her words not mine), so I have to sell it. I make it clear that I hope that makes her happy and that she should do what she wants. Things between her and I deteriorate to the point where I feel I must end contact with her. Since that time she decides not to sell the cottage and enlists unclezilla to help with running it. I guess I just feel sad about how that place which meant so much is no longer available to me. I shouldn't be feeling like this as I have had plenty of time to prepare for this. It still doen't make it any easier. Damn these old habits; they die hard!

Then I talked to my brother this morning and heard more about how unclezilla is back in town and how the two of them are going to run the cottage. Go to town assholes. More crap about how unclezilla is the only one who cares about her and if it wasn't for him blah blah blah etc. God I've heard it all before so many times it makes me so sick already. My wife is going to be right yet again. Seven years ago shortly after my dad died and as things unfolded she predidcted that despite his best effort to convince her to sell it, unclezilla would end up sharing the cottage with mymomzilla with us on the outs. That is if he doesn't end up owning it outright. Now it looks like it's going to be true and it makes me fucking sick. Now that he is back I am also anticipating some sort of confrontation. That does not help the way I feel one bit.

Shit this isn't helping either. I need to go and do something else in the hopes of getting out of this funk. Fuck the both of them, they're both going to hell and as far as I'm concerned it can't happen soon enough!

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TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic