Never easy, but perhaps easier?

I have received some more excellent comments from some of the posters on one of the forums I go to. One in particular I felt was worth posting here. It never ceases to amaze me how interchangeable many of these experiences are:

...but NPD always has that 'Well, maybe things will be different this time', but it never is. It is a mental illness, and just like many mental illnesses it is something which you cannot be expected to be able to handle. You know this. Don't forget it. We all know this.

followed by:

So please understand, Ross, you are certainly not alone. It is great you have a sense of care for her, but you cannot be expected to endure all that messing around and all the rest of it which will just ruin your life and that of your family. It is not your fault. It is not your mum's fault. It is mental illness. You have been robbed. She has been robbed. Is it one of the saddest things there is? Yes. But that is how it is. Have NC, totally. Do not feel bad. Everyone forgives you, or they would if they understood. And God forgives you, too. And even your mum, in heaven, in her right mind, would forgive you and say you did the right thing. You are ok, Ross, your post checks this out. You are not superhuman. You have done more than others would or could, but you can't do everything, you have limits, so take a break from the guilt, eh.

With the help of people like this and others I was able to reconcile that despite her health issues and some of the guilt that I was feeling I can't have anything to do with her. My head is telling me this. My body is telling me this and sadly my heart knows this to be true.

I liken it to being a victim of abuse. As much as I hate the victim moniker it is appropriate here. She abused me. I had to separate from her via no contact (NC) as a result. Health issues had me thinking I should be there for her. Then my body and mind reminded me that I couldn't. From the reactions I was having; a building sense of fear and uncertainty and a general physical feeling of anxiety about it all, it was quite clear to me that I had to maintain NC. That my reactions were completely normal for one considering reengaging with their abuser. I may be more over it now then ever, but I have obviously not forgotten it either. Nor can I afford to go back there with her. Not now and sadly probably not ever.

Back at it....

Sadly I am finding these days that I am needing help with reconciling feelings over mymomzilla having health issues and my not being available to help her with these. So much so that I returned to the online forums that helped so much a few years ago. I recently posted that I was having feelings of guilt knowing that she is laid up with health issues and there is really no one to help her through this. And yet I know that I can't be the one to help. Still it hurts and is very confusing. I know very well that nothing has changed and to re-establish contact would more than likely go very badly. And yet I can't help but feel badly for this mostly evil woman suffering like this. I suppose I feel that nobody should suffer alone like that but at the same time know that for that help to come from me would compromise everything that I have worked so hard to achieve thus far.

I don't really have anyone to talk to who really understands except those on the forum who have also experienced it. I though that those closest to me understood that to re-engage with her would be dangerous to me and yet they seem shocked when they hear that I saw this as permanent. It has been suggested that the gracious thing to do would be to engage only when necessary and on occasions like birthdays, weddings or in times of need like this. It has also been suggested that surely over time I must now be able to "handle" her shit like it was all my problem to begin with. That being that I simply couldn't suck it up enough before and I must be BETTER now. That I LET her get to me. Rarely is the perpetrator held accountable because that would be a grand waste of time.

One of the responses to my reaching out for help was this (for reference sake she had to take a taxi to the hospital):

As a mother of age 71, I must say you would be foolish to have any interaction with her. You have tried, it didn't work. The fact that she has no one is not something that you created, she did that. You should NOT pay the price for it. Your family needs you whole and without stress. Don't deny them that, they have a right to expect you to be there for them. Your NM gave up her rights to your care when she mistreated you. I'm glad there are taxis available. Let her use them.

and still more from someone else:

Forgivensss is one thing and very possible to do. Reconciliation is another. It is not possible to reconcile, have just birthdays and holidays with them imo. Aging, unhealthy, lonely N's are still N's.

Your responsibility is always to your self. You are getting hooked again with aging, sickness, etc. Just different and new aspects you hadn't encountered before.

Does this help me? Well yes it does. It tells me that I am not alone in these feelings and experiences and that many struggle with the same issues. Does it make it any easier? Yes and no. I know what I need to do, and truthfully always have, but knowing that does not make it easy. Then again I have found that in life that the truly important things never come easy.

Not a proud day.

I learned this morning that mymomzilla is back in the hospital with infection from recent gall bladder surgery and all I could think were unspeakable thoughts. Not out of anger or hatred but out of a desperate need for this to be over, for her to be at peace and me able to live without knowing that she is still just over there and because of who she is and how that effects me I can have nothing to do with her.

Although my life is infinitely better without her this crap is never really over is it?

Crap!