All things in perspective

I have stuff to say today most of which has been said before. It all seems trivial in light of the events yesterday. My sympathy to those taken and or affected by the senseless massacre at Virginia Tech. Out of respect for them and to clear my own head I have decided to take the day off from whining about my problems.

Instead I will try to think about all of the good stuff in my life and be thankful that at least I am still alive.

Cheers.

Sadly so predictable

These personality disorders are nothing if not predictable. I know that's a bit of an oxymoron as these terrorsits can be incredibly unpredictable in their behaviour. After a while though their patterns can become predictable.

Take mymomzilla for example. By the time we were finished gnarling on each other the other day she finished by making a grand declaration of love and her missing and needing me and not giving up on us. I then wrote the following in my entry called The Rage:

I figure that after trying the civil "oh I miss you, I love you, I'm not giving up;" all stuff I've heard before, it won't take long for the rage to take over and around we will have gone yet again.

By yesterday, only 48 hours later, while talking to my brother she said that she was done with all of us and that WE didn't deserve HER!

That one made me laugh in sick agreement because she was correct. We surely didn't and still don't desreve the terror that is her. We don't deserve the invalidation that she spews. We don't deserve the negativity that is her aura. We don't deserve the guilt and pain that she inflicts.

What a relief to hear that she is done with me! Now can I get on with the rest of my life? Can you see my tonque planted firmly in my cheek? Of coures she's not done. What fun would there be in that? The cycle is simply beginning again. Next time might not be the same but if she has anything to say about it there will be a next time.

Not if I can help it.

Awaiting the gauntlet.

My wife and I were having a conversation this morning about, what else, our terrorist and she is convinced that even with NC the only real way to end this is to move. We not only live in the same city but pratically in the same neighbourhood and that presents some challenges to say the least.

We both suffer from watching over our shoulder/out our front window/ checking the grocery parking lot etc. for the dreaded encounter, drive by or worse, the unannounced drop in. The insidious part is that she has never done that, insisting that a proper lady never goes anywhere univited. She has done that to me at my kids school yard and very often showed up unannounced to the cottage when it was just us out there. So I supose we stand on some ground that this will be inevitable.

Especially since she threw down the gauntlet the other day vowing that she did the best she could and that although she doesn't know what she's done she is so sorry and she is not giving up on me because she loves me sooo very much and needs me so very much. In other words; here I come for some more terror, whether you like it or not!

So will moving eliminate the fears of unwanted contact? Will it be the only way to happiness even if to another part of the city? We have so many things seemingly working against us regarding a move that to do so will take a small miracle. Still, more and more I can't help but wonder if perhaps it is the miracle that we'll need to have this end.

On no contact.

As I continue to reel from having contact with my terrorist fearing that I have opened the flood gates for more terrorism I came across this posting on the idea of non contact. For anyone who does not understand both the difficulties and need for non contact this is a good description.

I have to admit what others have written here so often, too: NC is a relief!!!! Normal life is great, normal people are a blessing. It’s very tough to get to that stage, though, you don’t divorce a parent just like that. The path towards NC is full of anger, guilt, doubt-doubt-doubt, agony, confusion, displaced ideas on responsability, and feeling like a failure. But a N will not change nor see one bit of what you mean. Although I am convinced that he is suffering, I can’t do anything about that except being a NS-prostitute (--sorry for that).

I see it like this: a very long time ago my real dad was swallowed by an ever-consuming crazy dragon that took his place. This dragon attached an invisible umbilical cord to my aura. It sucked it empty completely and dashed me back and forth, until I was almost insane. Then I cut the cord rigourously. He should be somewhere inside the dragon probably, but for the world I think he is lost. That is what I have to grieve, long before the dragon dies.

I am not a promotor of NC in all cases. But: if you have made up your mind to go NC, then avoid feeding the dragon as much as you can. Move away if you can, get an unlisted number and caller-ID, stack away those letters and burn them unread, become invisible. If that’s what is needed for you and your family to feel at ease and secure, to get a normal life and to heal, than do it.

But I’m still very very very sorry to put it this way. After 22 years it still hurts.

Imagine that! Even with no contact this person is still hurting after 22 years. I would guess that they would have been dead long ago without going no contact. Sad that to this day they still hurt over this. These people have no right to inflict this kind of destruction on their families. Yet here we are seeing it over and over and over again.

What right? What right do they have to perpetrate this kind of abuse? None and in more rational times I can think along the same lines as this poster and actually have 'sympathy for the devil.' Not today though as I am still figuring out what I've done and where I go from here.