I've come to the conlcusion after much thought that mymomzilla has a lot of nerve calling herself a mother. How could a mother perpetrate on her family the abuse that she has and still be allowed to consider themselves a mother. Shame on her. Shame on all of the parents in this world who are so narcissistic that they can never put anyone but themselves first. Shame on them for what they have done to their families. Shame on them for thinking that they are righteous in what they do and that it is everyone else who is hurting them. They should have never brought children into this world to torture and abuse like this. I didn't ask to be here. Like it or not I am and at 43 years of age I'll be damned if I'm going to continue to allow the likes of you to abuse and hurt me like you do. If you were truly a mother, a caring mother, a healthy mother, a safe mother you wouldn't be the abusive vile human being that you are. Shame on you.
TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Bloodied but still standing; nothing ever changes!
Well the dreaded long weekend has come and gone but not without its casualties. When will I ever learn A) to keep my mouth shut and B) to just give up the cottage already. My neighbor at the lake who lives in Minneapolis was up for the week and she wanted to know why we weren't using the place, seeing as how it's sitting empty and all. Well she asked so I answered. Some day this will probably be my downfall.
How do you explain to someone who has been your neighbor your entire life, and who has a warm loving mother, that the woman they know as my mother is truly an evil twisted bitch without sounding like an angry rage case. And more importantly how do you make sense of the endless amounts of petty shit that momzilla has heaped upon us over the years and make that not sound like petty complaining. The truth, that's how. I told the truth. The truth is the truth no matter how it gets cast and by whom.
She tried to suggest that I try and have a conversation with my momzilla. What a joke that would be. I gave her several examples of attemps on my behalf to do just that and the devastating and ridiculous repercussion of such attemps. You can not converse with someone who does operate within the realm of truth and honesty. Momzilla is incapable of seeing the truth. She can only see things through her very warped sense of reality. Of course the bottom line here is that this will never change and all attemps and hopes to the contrary are futile and a great big waste of time and energy. Long story short my neighbor friend was appalled at some of what I told her and by the end of the conversation somewhat understood why I have to extricate my emotional self from this piece of ground known as "The Cottage." And she reiterated something that I know all too well. That it would be devastating if the cottage was sold.
I don't know what will really happen to the cottage but the truth is that after this weekend am all that much closer to cutting off all contact with mymomzilla for good. That would include the cottage and all that is invovled with it. I'm done. As heartbreaking as it is I can no longer put myself and more importantly my family through this any more. Yesterday was a very sad day for me as I privately said goodbye to many places and things out there, anticipating that this could be the beginning of the end. It was sad because instead of staying in this beautiful place with my kids for a few days, I had to pack them up at the end of the day and take them home. At least it was to our home! This is an important point as I finally get that that is her place, not "our place" as I grew up to believe. I am simply someone who is supposed to, out of some warped sense of entitlement on her part, take care of, clean, maintain and make every decision about it, while not taking any ownership at all and for no return what so ever. Now some would say the return is getting to use it whenever I want. Not true. I get to use it under her terms and must be prepared to live in it with her; something I just can't do.
So the question then becomes why would I do this? Especially when I get treated worse by her than by my worst enemy. Why am I expected to put up with any of this? Why do abusive people think they are entitled to abuse the way they do. She thinks that because she's my mother she can do and say what she damn well pleases and we will always come back for more. Sorry I don't buy that. Just because one is family does not mean they can be treated like shit. In fact it should be the opposite. Family should be treasured and treated as such. Family should be the ones you suck it up for and put on your best face. Family is someone you should be there for unequivocally. This woman who calls herself my mother us unable to do any of this. In fact she treats strangers and acquaintances far better than her family. Shame on her.
It's funny. At one point late in our conversation my neighbor commented on the fact that I seem very angry. First I told her that if she thought I was angry now she should have had this conversation with me last summer when I was a total rage case. I explained I'm more sad now than angry but that the anger that she was sensing was really coming from how this weekend went and how we allowed her to negatively influence another weekend in our summer. When I stop and think about all this I think its no wonder that I'm angry. There is good reason to be angry. I was very angry at her for not being able to allow us the pleasure of the cottage for one weekend free and clear. Hope is a double edged sword and I was hopeful that this would happen. I have now lost all hope. I was angry at myself for allowing any of this to happen AGAIN and for playing the game. Some would say that I let it. To an extent this is true but in this case it would have taken super human strength and a total lack of any kind of understanding of justice to not let this get to me. I was angry for my kids getting ripped off of their time there. The truth is that it would have been easier to deal with this if we had never been duped into thinking that we had some ownership, some entitlement, somewhere to put our pride in this place. But the reality is we are allowed none of that and instead abused for it and by it. NO MORE. I can not do this anymore.
Now I have to figure out how one extricates a parent completely from their lives. Sadly I think I have no other option. She is not going to change so what choice does that leave me. I recalled yesterday how last summer I had to remind myself that my children need their father more than I needed to be dead and gone from her tyranny. Something I was giving serious thought back then. It scared me so yesterday to think that I would consider killing myself to get away from her. My wife and kids deserve so much better. For starters they deserve a father/husband who is not damaged and angry, sad, numb all of the time. They deserve a healthy loving home with joy and happiness. They deserve parent who aren't always mirrored down in the negative shit that all this brings. They deserve to be at a place that their zaida wanted to share with them so badly.
I have tried everything that I know how and it has all failed. I won't even begin to try and explain how that and my own feelings of failure and inadequacy has compounded all of this. Suffice it to say it has not helped. I have nothing left. She told others that my father would be so very disappointed with me and the hurtful way I am treating her. That may be true. It wouldn't take much for him to be disappointed by these kinds of situations coming up and by how they are handled. But the truth is, and there's that word again, although he might have been disappointed he also would have understood, while at the same time being completely disgusted with her and her behavior.
That doesn't change a thing but it is the truth.
TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic
How do you explain to someone who has been your neighbor your entire life, and who has a warm loving mother, that the woman they know as my mother is truly an evil twisted bitch without sounding like an angry rage case. And more importantly how do you make sense of the endless amounts of petty shit that momzilla has heaped upon us over the years and make that not sound like petty complaining. The truth, that's how. I told the truth. The truth is the truth no matter how it gets cast and by whom.
She tried to suggest that I try and have a conversation with my momzilla. What a joke that would be. I gave her several examples of attemps on my behalf to do just that and the devastating and ridiculous repercussion of such attemps. You can not converse with someone who does operate within the realm of truth and honesty. Momzilla is incapable of seeing the truth. She can only see things through her very warped sense of reality. Of course the bottom line here is that this will never change and all attemps and hopes to the contrary are futile and a great big waste of time and energy. Long story short my neighbor friend was appalled at some of what I told her and by the end of the conversation somewhat understood why I have to extricate my emotional self from this piece of ground known as "The Cottage." And she reiterated something that I know all too well. That it would be devastating if the cottage was sold.
I don't know what will really happen to the cottage but the truth is that after this weekend am all that much closer to cutting off all contact with mymomzilla for good. That would include the cottage and all that is invovled with it. I'm done. As heartbreaking as it is I can no longer put myself and more importantly my family through this any more. Yesterday was a very sad day for me as I privately said goodbye to many places and things out there, anticipating that this could be the beginning of the end. It was sad because instead of staying in this beautiful place with my kids for a few days, I had to pack them up at the end of the day and take them home. At least it was to our home! This is an important point as I finally get that that is her place, not "our place" as I grew up to believe. I am simply someone who is supposed to, out of some warped sense of entitlement on her part, take care of, clean, maintain and make every decision about it, while not taking any ownership at all and for no return what so ever. Now some would say the return is getting to use it whenever I want. Not true. I get to use it under her terms and must be prepared to live in it with her; something I just can't do.
So the question then becomes why would I do this? Especially when I get treated worse by her than by my worst enemy. Why am I expected to put up with any of this? Why do abusive people think they are entitled to abuse the way they do. She thinks that because she's my mother she can do and say what she damn well pleases and we will always come back for more. Sorry I don't buy that. Just because one is family does not mean they can be treated like shit. In fact it should be the opposite. Family should be treasured and treated as such. Family should be the ones you suck it up for and put on your best face. Family is someone you should be there for unequivocally. This woman who calls herself my mother us unable to do any of this. In fact she treats strangers and acquaintances far better than her family. Shame on her.
It's funny. At one point late in our conversation my neighbor commented on the fact that I seem very angry. First I told her that if she thought I was angry now she should have had this conversation with me last summer when I was a total rage case. I explained I'm more sad now than angry but that the anger that she was sensing was really coming from how this weekend went and how we allowed her to negatively influence another weekend in our summer. When I stop and think about all this I think its no wonder that I'm angry. There is good reason to be angry. I was very angry at her for not being able to allow us the pleasure of the cottage for one weekend free and clear. Hope is a double edged sword and I was hopeful that this would happen. I have now lost all hope. I was angry at myself for allowing any of this to happen AGAIN and for playing the game. Some would say that I let it. To an extent this is true but in this case it would have taken super human strength and a total lack of any kind of understanding of justice to not let this get to me. I was angry for my kids getting ripped off of their time there. The truth is that it would have been easier to deal with this if we had never been duped into thinking that we had some ownership, some entitlement, somewhere to put our pride in this place. But the reality is we are allowed none of that and instead abused for it and by it. NO MORE. I can not do this anymore.
Now I have to figure out how one extricates a parent completely from their lives. Sadly I think I have no other option. She is not going to change so what choice does that leave me. I recalled yesterday how last summer I had to remind myself that my children need their father more than I needed to be dead and gone from her tyranny. Something I was giving serious thought back then. It scared me so yesterday to think that I would consider killing myself to get away from her. My wife and kids deserve so much better. For starters they deserve a father/husband who is not damaged and angry, sad, numb all of the time. They deserve a healthy loving home with joy and happiness. They deserve parent who aren't always mirrored down in the negative shit that all this brings. They deserve to be at a place that their zaida wanted to share with them so badly.
I have tried everything that I know how and it has all failed. I won't even begin to try and explain how that and my own feelings of failure and inadequacy has compounded all of this. Suffice it to say it has not helped. I have nothing left. She told others that my father would be so very disappointed with me and the hurtful way I am treating her. That may be true. It wouldn't take much for him to be disappointed by these kinds of situations coming up and by how they are handled. But the truth is, and there's that word again, although he might have been disappointed he also would have understood, while at the same time being completely disgusted with her and her behavior.
That doesn't change a thing but it is the truth.
TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Fuck off and die already so that we can all have some peace.
This is the August long weekend. Around here that is a big deal. It's a long weekend and at the cottage is a festival that is over 100 years old. As always nothing is simple. That meaning we couldn't just go to the cottage and relax and enjoy ourselves. No the evil bitch also known as mymomzilla cast a shadow so far that it reaches out there and beyond.
The she devil had not been feeling well with stomach problems this week. So much so that she declined an invite from my oldest daughter to go and do something with her, or so she said. Keep in mind that this is the bitch who complains with regularity that she doesn't see my kids enough. Of course she went out that night and the next day and then out for dinner that night. Feeling pretty bad was she? When I call her back to see how she is I get the answering machine. She then leaves a message on our machine where I am told not to concern myself with her health as she is being well taken care of so there is no need to inquire as to how she is feeling.
Yesterday, again after much thought, argument, tears, and more discussion my wife and I decided to take the kids to the lake. I should point out how the decision to do so should be a no-brainer but because of her it is incredibly complicated. Then we made the fatal error of "doing the right thing." We figured, as we are in a loose, loose situation we don't want it to look like we are sneaking out there so we would phone the bitch to A) see how she was feeling and B) let her know that we were going to go. When I told her I called because of A she said that she phoned me last night and left a message as to how her health was. I told her that I got it! So then I told her B to which she says "I'll see you there tomorrow. Last night while out for dinner my brother (he who takes such good care of her) asked me if I wanted to go and I said sure I did, I've got nothing better to do. Everyone I know is going to be out there and I'm won't be and I'm the only one who has a cottage." So I ask her why she won't be there. "It's too hard. To pack and schlep is too hard." Then she reiterates in her nastiest way that I needn't be concerned with her health and that she can take care of herself just fine.
After this call we struggle some more about whether to go or not. Do we go or do we say "why bother" and stay and avoid all this nonsense. Fuck she can't be nice even for a minute. Evil, evil evil bitch. Part of me wants to say fuck her and go and have fun despite the bitch. But are we being crazy for even thinking about going? BUT THEN...
Fate has a very strange way of intervening; not that this was good. We had decided to say fuck her and go despite how anxiety provoking going was. While I was getting stuff ready my youngest daughter fell off the counter in the kitchen and bent her wrist back while landing on the floor. She needed to go for an Xray at the very least. We didn't go any where last night except to the hospital. She didn't break it but has a cast on to immobilize it. So this morning I decide to phone the bitch and tell her that she won't be seeing us out there because of what happened. She's all "why what happened?" So I tell her and of course the first thing she says is "You should have called me!" I pointed out that I was busy taking my daughter to the hospital!
She's still going out there with her brother and says she's going to call me when she gets back and maybe she'll come and see my daughter then. We will either be out or on our way to the cottage at that time. At this point I really want to have nothing to do with her. I can't stand even the thought of seeing her let alone actually being in her company. She repulses me in ways that I can't even begin to describe. I have never felt this way about anyone. The fact that it's my mother makes it even worse. All I really want to say to her is "Fuck off and die already so that we can all have some peace."
And that's were I'm at today.
TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic
The she devil had not been feeling well with stomach problems this week. So much so that she declined an invite from my oldest daughter to go and do something with her, or so she said. Keep in mind that this is the bitch who complains with regularity that she doesn't see my kids enough. Of course she went out that night and the next day and then out for dinner that night. Feeling pretty bad was she? When I call her back to see how she is I get the answering machine. She then leaves a message on our machine where I am told not to concern myself with her health as she is being well taken care of so there is no need to inquire as to how she is feeling.
Yesterday, again after much thought, argument, tears, and more discussion my wife and I decided to take the kids to the lake. I should point out how the decision to do so should be a no-brainer but because of her it is incredibly complicated. Then we made the fatal error of "doing the right thing." We figured, as we are in a loose, loose situation we don't want it to look like we are sneaking out there so we would phone the bitch to A) see how she was feeling and B) let her know that we were going to go. When I told her I called because of A she said that she phoned me last night and left a message as to how her health was. I told her that I got it! So then I told her B to which she says "I'll see you there tomorrow. Last night while out for dinner my brother (he who takes such good care of her) asked me if I wanted to go and I said sure I did, I've got nothing better to do. Everyone I know is going to be out there and I'm won't be and I'm the only one who has a cottage." So I ask her why she won't be there. "It's too hard. To pack and schlep is too hard." Then she reiterates in her nastiest way that I needn't be concerned with her health and that she can take care of herself just fine.
After this call we struggle some more about whether to go or not. Do we go or do we say "why bother" and stay and avoid all this nonsense. Fuck she can't be nice even for a minute. Evil, evil evil bitch. Part of me wants to say fuck her and go and have fun despite the bitch. But are we being crazy for even thinking about going? BUT THEN...
Fate has a very strange way of intervening; not that this was good. We had decided to say fuck her and go despite how anxiety provoking going was. While I was getting stuff ready my youngest daughter fell off the counter in the kitchen and bent her wrist back while landing on the floor. She needed to go for an Xray at the very least. We didn't go any where last night except to the hospital. She didn't break it but has a cast on to immobilize it. So this morning I decide to phone the bitch and tell her that she won't be seeing us out there because of what happened. She's all "why what happened?" So I tell her and of course the first thing she says is "You should have called me!" I pointed out that I was busy taking my daughter to the hospital!
She's still going out there with her brother and says she's going to call me when she gets back and maybe she'll come and see my daughter then. We will either be out or on our way to the cottage at that time. At this point I really want to have nothing to do with her. I can't stand even the thought of seeing her let alone actually being in her company. She repulses me in ways that I can't even begin to describe. I have never felt this way about anyone. The fact that it's my mother makes it even worse. All I really want to say to her is "Fuck off and die already so that we can all have some peace."
And that's were I'm at today.
TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic
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