Saturday morning and still as confused and fucked up as ever!

This was a reply to one of my posts elsewhere:

While reading his message (what my uncle said to me), all I could think was Why wasn't anyone saying this to your mother when you were growing up? Where was your advocate to say, this is your child, you don't treat children like that?

I have asked myself this question many times. As much as I loved and respected my father he was her true enabler always making excuses for her behaviour rather than confronting her on it and telling her it was unacceptable. I along with my brothers believe that she and her unending crap is what eventualy led to his early death. He couldn't take it anymore and was not of the ilk to believe in divorce so he just gave up life. I'll be damned if I'm going to allow that to happen to me. The truth is her nasty behaviour with me only escalated with my father's death as she simply replaced him with me as her closest and number one target.

My biggest roadblock right now, other than myself, is what to do about my kids. They still truly love their grandmother and want to have some sort of relationship with her. Am I nuts for even considering it? Do I give them that, knowing that they will get some of her crap and will have to come to their own conclusions about it and her? Or do I cut them off as well. The truth is that I can't really go total NC if I am to have my girls involved with her.

All the while I am futher and more deeply saddened and angered by the impact this is all having on me, my immediate family and especially my wife. At the same time that all this shit is going on my wife is on the verge of huge career advancements of which I am so totally proud of and she shold be celebrating these accomplishments when instead she is constantly worried about me and the toll this is taking on all of us.

It is truly insidious that this should be so pervasive and all encompassing. Damn her for doing this even if she won't admit it. Damn me for allowing it to effect us in the ways that it does.

Sometimes I just feel like a broken useless piece of shit and it's all because I can't seem to handle my mother. Am I less than because of this? Am I overreacting to her shit and just need to suck it up? Why does she effect me so? Why do I let her? Other people seem to make their way in the world just fine. Is she so bad that I am now too messed up to be in this world with her? Then I get angry. I know she is the problem and don't care if others can see it or not. I know that she has effected me in terrible ways. I know all this and yet I still can't stop the feeling that I am to blame for this. That I have not done enough to make this right.To make this work. Am I an idiot or what! Damn her and her brother to hell. May they enjoy their mutual shit to the end of eternity.

TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic

to unclezilla...

As this is the place where I write things that probably should not be said out loud but probably also need to be said out loud I have a few things that I need to say to uncle. Saying them to him would accomplish nothing although it may feel very good. I am hoping that this will suffice.

1) Your opinion and supposed lack of respect for me would mean something if some time ago I hadn't lost total and complete respect for you. And that's not saying little as at one time you were my most respected and admired uncle. Now you are no better than my mom except for the fact that you still seem to know how to experience joy. But then again you are younger than her. Just you wait.

2) You are the same person who is twice divorced thrice if you count common law and has not been able to carry a meaningful relationship for any significant amount of time. Not a very good track record for someone who is dishing out advice on how I should treat someone.

3) All of your children have moved away from you, and two have vowed never to have children of their own. Hmmm. And you were such a good parent that you can comment on me and my relationship with my so called parent.

4) You have the "rage" in you. You are after all from the same father so you share the rage and it boils within. Don't forget that I have on many occasion seen and felt the rath of your rage. Culminating with your physically attacking me. You, your father and your sister, you're all bullies. You don't care about being mean and insolent. You have the rage. Sadly, so do I. But my goal is to acknowledge it and fight it so that it ends here and is not passed on again.

5) "She's all alone and she's your mother..." Hmmm why do you think that is ya dumb fuck? Very few people can tolerate her. So you can divorce a bunch of women, whom by the way you chose, nice going there, but I can't divorce my toxic mother because I didn't choose her? I don't think so.

Fill in the blank ya dumb fuck:

I love my ______________ (wife/mother) and always will, but heartbreakingly we are like oil and water and I can no longer, for my own well being, have any kind of contact with her. It invokes too much rage and anger and is simply unhealthy for me.

Fill it in with wife and somehow it's acceptable. Fill it in with mother and I am a terrible, terrible son not deserving of anyone's respect.

What an ass you are. You don't have a fucking clue. Now hopefully you will do as you said you would and NEVER contact me again. And on and on it goes.

TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic

Some responses to this post elsewhere

"Why do they never consider the other side of the story ? Its always they are alone oohhh poooorr N

She isnt alone she has uncle doesnt she ..............

I am so sorry"

"And I don’t want to get in to what goes on between you and your mother.
But he is going to anyway....

All I know is that she’s your mother and you just can’t treat her like that.

But she can treat you like shit? People will say this to you all the time because they don't understand narcissism. Motherhood doesn't grant them the right to abuse you. Guess what, you get to to have your own life! Take it. If that means being the "world's worst child" then do it. Don't worry. You're not. When I stopped talking to my NM she told me that her THERAPIST thought I was the worst daughter and couldn't believe what I was doing (which was a lie).

I mean I don’t know what your problem is.

Yeah, you do. She's your sister.


Ah what’s gone on and what’s gone down and whatever is and whatever has happened she’s still your mother and she’s all alone and she’s got nobody else and I have absolutely no respect for you at all for treating her the way you’re treating her.

Gee, is there a meal on this guilt trip? If she's got nobody else than that's HER fault. Of course he is going to believe that about you because he has only heard ONE side of the story.

And you might have your reasons and I don’t discount that and your… my sister is not the easiest to get along with but she’s still your mother and it’s terrible to treat her that way.

Again, but she can treat you anyway she wants? I don't think so.

That’s all I have to say and I won’t interfere and you’ll never hear from me again and that’s the end of it.

Yea!! Do a happy dance....although we both know that's a lie. He'll call again. They always do.

You gotta live your life and you do it the way you see fit but she’s your mother Steven and you’ve only got one and you only ever will have one and no matter what she’s done and how she is she’s still your mother and she’s all alone and she’s got no body and it’s just terrible, terrible the way you treat her. And that’s all I have to say.

It's a manipulation tactic. Emotional Blackmail (which is a great book btw). Are you terrible? Well, I don't know you, but I would take his opinion on it. He's decided and taken action after hearing only one side of the story. I hope he doesn't hurt himself jumping to those conclusions.

You are going to feel guilty. That's natural. You feel an obligation to the woman because she is your mother. But separate the mother from the narcisstic woman. It's not your mother that you are rejecting--it's the woman. You have a right and an obligation to take care of yourself first. That means NC sometimes.

You have no obligation to take care of your mother if you can't afford it. Mentally, emotionally, you have set limits. That's okay. People won't understand it. But that doesn't make it wrong."

"can't believe how similar our stories are. When I went NC with my Nmom, her sister, my nasty aunt sent me a letter saying "I don't know what is between you and your mother and I don't want to know, but she's your mother, blah, blah, blah..."

That about sums it up. In other words, I don't care what the disagreement was about, she is right and you are wrong. I was soo angry at the balls of my aunt to write to me. Then I thought about how crappy she treated me my whole childhood and I realized who needs her? Who cares what her opinion is? So I never contacted her again. NC with both of them. They can keep each other (miserable) company. When we engage, we enrage and they're just not worth it.

Eventually, if we keep the NC, they do go away."

Seems I'm not alone in my experiences with the likes of mymomzilla. Not sure how I feel about that.

TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic

Unclezilla chimes in

I received this wonderful diatribe on my message machine yesterday. It's from my uncle - NM's brother who himself has three grown children two of which have sworn to never have children of their own. This is also the same uncle who physically attacked me a couple of summers ago for telling him then to go and mind his own business. Seems he hasn't got the message. Good thing I'd lost total and complete respect for him long ago or I might take this peronally. Here what he has to say:

“Hey Ross this is Unclezilla, ah, I just want you to listen to what I have to say. And I don’t want to get in to what goes on between you and your mother. All I know is that she’s your mother and you just can’t treat her like that. I mean I don’t know what your problem is. Ah what’s gone on and what’s gone down and whatever is and whatever has happened she’s still your mother and she’s all alone and she’s got nobody else and I have absolutely no respect for you at all for treating her the way you’re treating her. And you might have your reasons and I don’t discount that and your… my sister is not the easiest to get along with but she’s still your mother and it’s terrible to treat her that way. That’s all I have to say and I won’t interfere and you’ll never hear from me again and that’s the end of it. You gotta live your life and you do it the way you see fit but she’s your mother Ross and you’ve only got one and you only ever will have one and no matter what she’s done and how she is she’s still your mother and she’s all alone and she’s got no body and it’s just terrible, terrible the way you treat her. And that’s all I have to say. Goodbye”

Initially I wanted to respond to him. He is down south for the winter so it would have had to be by either phone or E-mail. I chose neither opting instead not to dignify this with any kind of response at all. Do I care if he thiks less of me? Do I care if he's lost respect for me? He never had any for me nor showed me any to begin with. In fact the last time I pissed him off he physically attacked me. So to him I say PISS OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE AS PROMISED. You like her so much you go take care of her and see if you survive!

In fact I feel like I am treating her as best as I possibly could under these circumstances. I'm being fair but firm, as honest as I can be with her. She can't handle any really deep meaningful honesty and would get even more hurt by it no matter how it was presented. I am not presenting any of this in a nasty tone. I have not given her the nasty albeit honest and acurate diatribe that has run in my head for many years. Really all I've done thus far is distance myself from her. Period. I didn't contact her for nearly three months for a reason. I never let the phone go unanswered if it was her but I needed to be able to not call her. The calls could always turn ugly and often did. I would get off feeling beat on and shaken. A single call often stymied my work producton and left me feeling awful and useless. The truth is that I am trying to treat her with some dignity by not getting into it with her while at the same time getting myself out of harms way. And don't kid yourself. having her in my life puts me in great danger. I can not allow for her to invoke such anger in me. I will snap under those conditions. So the bottom line is she should be incredibly thankful that I am not treating her anywhere near the way she is treatiing me.

I really hate this shit and want it to end. It becomes truly exhausting.

TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic

The shoe falls

It has been quite a while between posts. Since my last post I went NC (no contact) with mymomzilla. I think it was for the best as I had been feeling better albeit a bit stressed about how this would all shake out. One of the biggest problems dealing with her is that one caqn't be honest. Knowing that I never told her that I was going non contact I simply stopped calling. Especially after yet again being told that she could care less if she ever heard from me again.

Well she called a couple of weeks ago to make arangemets to see my kids. Fine although I am uneasy about it I do not want to stand in the way of them having some sort of relationship with her. Then she calls today, this time to ask me if I'm ever going to call her again. Well here we go. Do I lie and tell her some bullshit or just "run to trouble" as my wife likes to say and be honest. So I tell her that it's up to her and how she treats me. She is aghast and does not know what I'm talking about. What do you mean it's up to me? She asks. I tell her that our interactions in the last longest while were getting so bad that I had to back off. That the last time that I talked to her she told me that she could care less if she ever heard from me again. She adamantly denied ever saying such a thing. She started to weep and tell how no matter how much I hurt her and no matter what I say or do to her she will always have unconditional love for me. I have to stop myself from gagging as my response. Then she starts going on about how if this is the way I want it she needs to know so that she can make some changes. Starting with getting keys back from me and re-writing her will. That's how unconditional her love is. She goes on and on about how completley baffled she is about any of this and can't for the life of her figure out what she could have done or said to me to make me feel this way. So I ask her if she is prepared to take any responsiblilty for where we are at and she adamantly refuses. The conversation goes on and on in circles with me saying several times that Iw as not going to do this any more. I told her that I knew she would not change and that was why I felt I had to make changes. She sobs on about what others would think if they ever heard that her son who lives in the same city as her has not talked to her in three months. I said that I really didn't care about what anybody else thoought and that those in the know would understand. Again with endless "I don't what I could have done to make you feel this way. You have hurt me so baddly you have no idea." I tell her that I neve had any intention of hurting her and was sorry if she was hurting but that she had hurt me too. Again she was aghast and clueless about what I was talking about asking "how, how have I hurt you?" Hmmm where do I begin. I tell that the way she talks te me and the way she treats me in general was not very good. She demanded examples at which point I said that I would not do this, going tit for tat over examples and that if that was what she wanted she wasn't going to get it. So then she asks me if this includes my kids, that maybe she should stop seeing my kids. I tell that this is between me and her and does not include the kids. She then makes a comment about not hearing from them. I ask her why she never called them, pointing out that they are children and that she is the adult. "Well I don't call anybody, that's my problem." she says. I agree with her that that is a problem when she expects children to create and maintain a telephone relationship with her. On and on and all the while I'm thinking this is going to get me knowhere except upset and that I should just get off the phoned. Eventually I say that If she wants to keep digging for details and exact moments that I would have to get off the phone. So she agreed and told me to get off the phone then. So I tell her that it's up to her how she treats me and that that is her choice to make and I say good bye.

New ploy: Not long after her initial call she called me again to say that she has no idea what she has done or said but if I have to hear that she is sorry then she will say that she is sorry. That having said that, it's now up to me and then she said that she had to get off the phone. In other words I refuse to take any form of responsibility here but I am going to say one of the few things that would, at least in my mind, put the ball back in your court instead of mine. Now if we can' fix it it's your fault not mine. Cie la vie the games will never end which is why I am so reticent to even consider accepting her apology. How can I even think of that when she won't even aknowledge having any responsibility at all here? It's easy to apologize when you aren't really apologizing for anything because you refuse to admit that you have done anything in the first place. A hollow apology or am I just being too synical?

Through it all I have had a sad sense of calm. Sad because I am calm in thinking that I am doing the right thing for me and my well being. That this will probably mean the complete end of my relationship with her and that this is for the best.

TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic