It never ends. Hrumph!!!!

The current saga continues. Mymomzilla again brought up the return of these items with my oldest who did as instructed and told her that the message had been passed on. The truth is that we gave back much of what she is after long ago and I'm not sure if she has simply forgotten or just wants something that we do still have. Regardless I am hoping it ends there but know in my gut that as long as there is contact between my children and mymomzilla it wont.

She is still supposed to take them out for lunch on Saturday and they still want to go. That is the only reason that I have not called it off and told her not to contact any of us ever again. The bottom line is that she wants engagement and I will not give her that, not even to tell her that she is precariously close to losing her grandchildren all together. I will assure you all that if she blows up during this lunch visit it will be her last visit. My kids don't deserve to be anything but loved and cherished by her and that is not what she gives them.

I have apologized to my oldest for being put in this position and given them a little bit more background about why things are the way they are. My oldest has a petty good handle on who mymomzilla is and at least for now is prepared to put up with her crap but even they are starting to question that. Who wouldn't?

In the meantime my wife and I will be on eggshells the entire time our kids are with her ready to rescue them if need be. We have discussed with our oldest a safe exit plan and should the need arise will enact it without hesitation. As I type and reread this I can't help but think both that this is absurd for any of this to be necessary and how sad it is that in fact it is absolutely necessary.

Keep your fingers crossed, I know ours will be.

It must be spring!!!

Why is it that mymomzilla escalates every spring? If you look at my posts there is a clear pattern of posting every year around this time. Not sure what's up with that but I sure as hell wish it would stop. I still maintain no contact with her as she has not changed one iota. To engage with her would be very dangerous for me - still! Hard to believe that after all of these years she has not become the insignificant being that I'd hoped. I guess the bottom line is that she is, dare I say it, still my mother in some weird form and although I chose to not have anything to do with her I still wish that it could be different. Then she goes and pulls shit like she did yesterday. H'rumph.

She sunk to a new low. It was my oldest child's birthday (17) yesterday. Mymomzilla phoned my child on their cellphone to wish them a happy birthday and then proceeded to tell them that she once gave my wife a fancy watch and some special dishes and that she now wants them back and for my child to see what they could do about that. This stuff was given almost 10 years ago and now all of the sudden she wants them back? This is nothing more than another salvo on her part; a power play and attempt to get a rise out of me and I fully intend to ignore it. That does not negate how utterly inappropriate it was to go through my child on this. Especially on their fucking birthday. I don't care about the stuff. If she wants it she can damn well have it. I can live with the idea that she wants to strip me of any kind of fond memory I may have by trying to remove anything nice that she may have done for us in the past. She gave some money towards our now 9 year old vehicle, is she going to go after that too? Right now I wouldn't put it past her to start reclaiming anything and everything she thinks she had a hand in.

The only good thing about this is that I feel an odd sense of calm about it all. I am boiling over the fact that she chose to go through my child in such a inappropriate way. I am considering that my younger kids are no longer safe in her company. And they are all supposed to go out for lunch with her next week. Yikes! I am angry that this is even a consideration. BUT at the same time I am calm in the knowledge that this is the raving of a lunatic and I intend to chalk it up to just that and ignore it. Several years ago there is no way I could have done this and would have seethed for days on this contemplating what I was going to say and do about it. Now I am content to ignore it knowing that to do anything else would simply feed into it. I have told my child, should she be speaking to her again, to simply tell her that the message had been passed on and to leave it at that. To acknowledge it beyond that only gives her more fuel to continue with more crap.

Yes I want to phone her up and rip a strip off of her for involving my child. Maybe as their father that is what I should be doing. I also know full well that as is the case with most borderline personalities that is exactly what she wants. Knowing that is what has allowed me to feel this calmness and contentment with my stance of simply ignoring it. Calling her would give her the satisfaction that she finally found a way to get a rise out of me; to get me to break my non contact. The truly scary part is now wondering just how far she's prepared to go to get that rise. My silence will probably only escalate her further. Will that only serve to put my kids in jeopardy? That will be unacceptable and will only result in her not being allowed to have anything to do with them either. So sad isn't it?

For work purposes I had to take a break from writing this and upon rereading it I am worried that I do indeed need to protect my kids more. Am I hanging them out on a limb by letting them maintain contact with her? That is always a possibility when dealing with her. The truth is that I think they would be happy not having anything to do with her. Recently when my other child received a birthday card in the mail from mymomzilla instead of being elated and excited by the potential birthday treat enclosed they were conflicted and dreading the fact that this now meant that they had to call her to thank her. Calling her is always a crap shoot and they too have come to learn this - sadly the hard way. They feel they have to be restrained and worried about what they say because of how she may react. Is that a healthy child-grandparent relationship? Not at all. Honestly I don't know of anyone who has been able to maintain a healthy relationship with her. So why am I putting my kids out there like this? Mostly because despite all they still care for her and want to see her albeit only once in a while. Oh what to do? thus far I have simply been letting them dictate this but I will say for the record that should she step out of line during their next visit with her it will most definitely be their last visit. I would be negligent as a loving caring parent to not make that call.

I think I'll go hug my kids now.

On civility or lack thereof

I am disheartened and slow boiling over a conversation I had with my brother last night. And yet again I choose to come here and write instead of speaking this out loud. Mostly because I don't feel speaking out would do a damn thing except create more hard feelings.

It seems that my momzilla runs through all of us. A little background: we have been on a seven year house roller coaster that has required a great deal of work and energy and has had many turns, frustrations and huge disappointments. To say the least it has been a huge struggle to stay above all of the mess and continue moving forward. After all of this it looks like we have finally found and purchased a house that we all really like. I'll say up front that I never would have imagined that buying a new house would be so stressful and that it is not the exact type of house we thought we would buy but it truly is the house that we want and have fallen in love with. Good thing, because we have in fact bought it.

I had yet to tell anybody that we actually bought this house when my bother got a hold of me over the computer. We chat often and usually he has been supportive of me and the struggles I have gone through with mymomzilla. Lately he has given me the impression, real or imagined, that he's not so understanding any more; that he is actually tired of it all. And who could blame him; It has gone on for a long time. Regardless I thought that out of what is left of my family and knowing in detail what we have been going through in terms of housing that he would be a safe person to tell about this house. I even thought that he may find the humour that I do in the fact that this house is on the same street as our childhood home albeit several blocks north.

Well not only did he give me a hard time about the house itself and many of the elements within the house, (including the fact that it is a two storey, did we still want to be doing stairs as if we are getting too old? Hell we're only in our early to mid forties) he said some pretty awful shit too. I have tried to ignore his words but in my usual fashion have been slow boiling ever since our conversation. The first thing he felt he needed to point out was that I actually moved closer to mymomzilla. Although this is true and believe me I am very much aware of this, it was the way he put it and the fact that he felt it even necessary to mention at all that really irks me. This move has absolutely nothing to do with running away from her - that's more his MO. More on that one later. I don't give a fuck where she is in relation to my house to be perfectly honest. As long as she is no longer eating away at my soul she could be in hell for all I care. On the heels of that zinger he had to include that "at least two of us got away." Implying that at least he and my brother got away from this hell-hole and my momzilla.

More like ran away! He left when he was 16 to hitchhike across the country and essentially never came back which is why I didn't really know him until he moved back here about 20 some years ago. He has since ran back to BC and there he stays, chiding me for moving back to the old hood. My other brother also ran away at an early age and would drop in on occasion. He eventually got so messed up that he is now essentially one day away from being on the streets of Toronto and is a recovering heroin addict, and I use recovering loosely. And I get chided for staying in a city and neighbourhood that despite all that it represents I still really love. Who's the idiot here? At least I didn't run away. I know that wherever you go there you are so don't laugh at and cast aspersion on me for staying here. At least I didn't run away from mymomzilla. I stayed and for my own reasons having nothing to do with mymomzilla. In fact my life may have been a lot easier especially with respect to her if I had left this city.

What I really wonder about is civility. Why do people feel that they can say and do whatever they want? Why can't people truly have the decency to see beyond their own inhibitions and clouded perceptions to simply keep a civil tongue. To actually be genuinely happy for someone else despite what they may really think, especially when they know how much a struggle it has been for that someone to get where they have got to. To simply be happy for someone else despite what you may really feel could actually go a very long way in helping this world be a better place. I may think that someone's new house is really a shit hole but I would never say that to them. I would congratulate them on their new purchase, encourage them to truly enjoy and damn well keep my mouth shut about the rest.

I am so sick of hearing what an awful place this is from my brothers. One won't even come here anymore and when the other is here visiting all he can do is complain about how much he hates it here and how much he can't wait to get home. I know that he would be pissed if I dissed his home like that and wouldn't because of that, not that I want to. They have a lovely home and I am truly happy for them. So why isn't that kind of civility given to me? Especially when we all know that the only really awful part of here is mymomzilla and the eche that goes with her.

Keep your council, keep your council, keep your council. I keep having to remind myself to not be so open about things. Better to play it close to your chest rather than be an open book. To not keep ones council tends to open them up to this kind of belittling. Sad that buying a new house needs to be kept so as not to be belittled, questioned, and ultimately ridiculed.

That's life I guess.

Life sucks some times.

Even when it shouldn't.

Cheers.

Hmmmm. Still something to say.

For some reason I am not having a good day and have found myself here so I thought why not write something.

Maybe it's because last night I was at my daughter's musical and I couldn't help but think how sad it was that her Baba could not be included in the audience; an audience full of baba and zaidas. Then I remembered how atrocious her behaviour was at the last school concert event that we invited her to. This put me into sort of a fowl mood when I should have been feeling nothing but pride and happiness for my daughter.

Recently my wife had an encounter with one of my momzilla's best friends. They were in a mall when my wife felt the presence of someone staring at her from behind. When she turned around she found this woman standing mere feet away staring at her and seething. She was so angry that she just turned in an angry manner and, without saying a word stomped off. my wife was not amused but glad to have not had a confrontation. I on the other hand would welcome one. Not that I am looking for one but I have gone over in my head exactly what I would say to some of these fans of my mother if given the chance.

I don't for a second think that I would change their perception of the situation but it sure would feel good to put it out there for them to chew on. The truth will prevail as it always has and I know the truth where they do not. I would start by telling that I sleep at night knowing that she has not alienated everyone from her life and that people like this friend are important for her to have in her life. I would then tell them how sad and difficult it is that I can not be one of those people. That they know one version of this person and I know a completely different and vile version. That her treatment of me was doing two things to me. 1) Continued contact with her was turning me into her - miserable, angry all of the time, mean spirited to everyone who came in contact with me. A raging anger case if nothing else. That this was going to lower me to her level and I was going to start treating her with the kind of disdain and evilness that she was treating me. 2) that because of this I was extremely angry and unhappy to the point where I felt it would be a welcome relief to me and those around me to simply not be here any more, as in dead. Either her or me. Fortunately I had the good sense to do the right thing for myself and my family and stop having contact with her. I believe that this truly saved my life. I had tried everything else to deal with her and nothing worked.

I know that they look at it as "how could I treat HER this way, how could I DO this to HER. I would ask them how she could do this to me and remind them that because of HER treatment of me I no longer have a mother, that despite gaining my life back I lost much in making this decision and that they have no idea how impossible the situation had become for me to do this. This woman in particular has known me all of my life and I would challenge her to recall that she knew me well enough to know that I am not the person I am being cast as. I would have asked her how dare she judge me in any way and that my wife and kids deserve for me to be healthy happy and whole. That I deserve that too. If they were still listening I would then try and give them a little insight into Borderline Personality Disorder and that if they truly want to understand both sides of this mess they should do some research. I would remind that not only did I loose much here but I also miss my mother and truly wish I could be there for her especially as she ages but that to reconnect with her would be tantamount to committing suicide.

I'd doubt that they would do any research, nor do I think this would change their impression in any way but I would still like the opportunity to have at least said it.

Never easy, but perhaps easier?

I have received some more excellent comments from some of the posters on one of the forums I go to. One in particular I felt was worth posting here. It never ceases to amaze me how interchangeable many of these experiences are:

...but NPD always has that 'Well, maybe things will be different this time', but it never is. It is a mental illness, and just like many mental illnesses it is something which you cannot be expected to be able to handle. You know this. Don't forget it. We all know this.

followed by:

So please understand, Ross, you are certainly not alone. It is great you have a sense of care for her, but you cannot be expected to endure all that messing around and all the rest of it which will just ruin your life and that of your family. It is not your fault. It is not your mum's fault. It is mental illness. You have been robbed. She has been robbed. Is it one of the saddest things there is? Yes. But that is how it is. Have NC, totally. Do not feel bad. Everyone forgives you, or they would if they understood. And God forgives you, too. And even your mum, in heaven, in her right mind, would forgive you and say you did the right thing. You are ok, Ross, your post checks this out. You are not superhuman. You have done more than others would or could, but you can't do everything, you have limits, so take a break from the guilt, eh.

With the help of people like this and others I was able to reconcile that despite her health issues and some of the guilt that I was feeling I can't have anything to do with her. My head is telling me this. My body is telling me this and sadly my heart knows this to be true.

I liken it to being a victim of abuse. As much as I hate the victim moniker it is appropriate here. She abused me. I had to separate from her via no contact (NC) as a result. Health issues had me thinking I should be there for her. Then my body and mind reminded me that I couldn't. From the reactions I was having; a building sense of fear and uncertainty and a general physical feeling of anxiety about it all, it was quite clear to me that I had to maintain NC. That my reactions were completely normal for one considering reengaging with their abuser. I may be more over it now then ever, but I have obviously not forgotten it either. Nor can I afford to go back there with her. Not now and sadly probably not ever.

Back at it....

Sadly I am finding these days that I am needing help with reconciling feelings over mymomzilla having health issues and my not being available to help her with these. So much so that I returned to the online forums that helped so much a few years ago. I recently posted that I was having feelings of guilt knowing that she is laid up with health issues and there is really no one to help her through this. And yet I know that I can't be the one to help. Still it hurts and is very confusing. I know very well that nothing has changed and to re-establish contact would more than likely go very badly. And yet I can't help but feel badly for this mostly evil woman suffering like this. I suppose I feel that nobody should suffer alone like that but at the same time know that for that help to come from me would compromise everything that I have worked so hard to achieve thus far.

I don't really have anyone to talk to who really understands except those on the forum who have also experienced it. I though that those closest to me understood that to re-engage with her would be dangerous to me and yet they seem shocked when they hear that I saw this as permanent. It has been suggested that the gracious thing to do would be to engage only when necessary and on occasions like birthdays, weddings or in times of need like this. It has also been suggested that surely over time I must now be able to "handle" her shit like it was all my problem to begin with. That being that I simply couldn't suck it up enough before and I must be BETTER now. That I LET her get to me. Rarely is the perpetrator held accountable because that would be a grand waste of time.

One of the responses to my reaching out for help was this (for reference sake she had to take a taxi to the hospital):

As a mother of age 71, I must say you would be foolish to have any interaction with her. You have tried, it didn't work. The fact that she has no one is not something that you created, she did that. You should NOT pay the price for it. Your family needs you whole and without stress. Don't deny them that, they have a right to expect you to be there for them. Your NM gave up her rights to your care when she mistreated you. I'm glad there are taxis available. Let her use them.

and still more from someone else:

Forgivensss is one thing and very possible to do. Reconciliation is another. It is not possible to reconcile, have just birthdays and holidays with them imo. Aging, unhealthy, lonely N's are still N's.

Your responsibility is always to your self. You are getting hooked again with aging, sickness, etc. Just different and new aspects you hadn't encountered before.

Does this help me? Well yes it does. It tells me that I am not alone in these feelings and experiences and that many struggle with the same issues. Does it make it any easier? Yes and no. I know what I need to do, and truthfully always have, but knowing that does not make it easy. Then again I have found that in life that the truly important things never come easy.

Not a proud day.

I learned this morning that mymomzilla is back in the hospital with infection from recent gall bladder surgery and all I could think were unspeakable thoughts. Not out of anger or hatred but out of a desperate need for this to be over, for her to be at peace and me able to live without knowing that she is still just over there and because of who she is and how that effects me I can have nothing to do with her.

Although my life is infinitely better without her this crap is never really over is it?

Crap!