Fit to be tied

I decided to take a break from this blog a couple of days ago in the hope that it may be one way that I might stop thinking about all this crap for a while. Unfortunately it has not worked and I still find myself mired down in negative thoughts and feelings. For the love of god will this ever end? I would give anything, anything for this to stop. To be able to turn off my brain if just for a bit. So far I have not been able to ingest enough or the right kind of drugs to put this right out of my head. It can numb things for a bit but I have yet to truly feel free of this for far too long. Not to mention that I know very well that drugs are not going to be the answer here.

So drugs are out, the truth seems only to get me in deeper and has not set me free as some would suggest it might do. I can't run away because wherever I go there I am. A lobotamy would be worse than death, albeit a solution to all this. Babble babble babble. I have been told by my therapist that I am a good person who has tried and tried and tried again to deal with this in a more productive and positive way. She says that I should feel proud of the efforts I have made in trying to make this work; that I have worked very hard and in fact was a very good son to this evil woman. So why then do I feel like a failure? Like a total loser? The truth is that although it would be very easy to blame this on her, despite her input here this one is on me. I have to let go and learn to feel good again. I have to stop letting this get to me. I have to start feeling like I am okay again. Only I can do that for me. Sadly it's been so long since I felt that way that I'm not sure I can even get back there again. When I think of this it makes me angry. The truth is that this, mymomzilla, is the only thing in my life that is causing these feelings. Other wise things would be pretty good right now.

Maybe the only thing that can actually make this remotely better is time. Time away from her. Time to forget all of this. Time to fix myself. Here's hoping that I actually have the time, fortitude and strength to wait this one out.

TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic