Definitely not out loud.

Today my grandfather finally passed away. The she bitch is terribly unhappy and upset. I feel nothing. As far as I am concerned he was a nasty man who stuck around far too long for anyones good. I had made the choice many years ago not to go and see him in the home; it was too difficult to deal with. And it's not what one might think. It was after talking with him and listening to his evil rants and simpering whining that I would be so angry that it would be all that I could do not to hit him.

To say I feel nothing is actually incorrect. The truth is I am feeling very selfish. The she bitch and the whole process of my grandfather's funeral is going to be so unbearably gross that I don't think I will make it through without wanting to hit someone. All I wanted to do this weekend is shut myself down with my friends and wife and kids and mourn the passing of my friend and her baby. They had a whole life ahead of them and now they don't. He lived a full life of screwing his kids up and now we have to mourn him? Now I will have to spend yet another weekend with my fucked up extended family and watch them in all their dysfunctional glory mourn a man that nobody in their right mind would miss! Harsh, I know, but fuck it. Look at the legacy of pain and suffering due to his harshness. He was a mean SOB and he produced a brood of Morris clones. Goodbye Morris, may you rot for eternity. Actually he rotted for years on this earth, may he finally rest in peace and thus give us some peace; finally!

just sad...

Ya know it's just plain old sad. My friends death has weighed heavily on me the last couple of days. And yet, albeit foolishly, these thoughts of sadness are intertwined with thoughts of the she devil sitting at home making my not calling her all about her. I know the pattern. If I don't call her I get shit for not calling her. What, is her fucking finger broken? She is the last person I want to talk to right now, about this or anything else. She will ultimately say something rude or inappropriate about this and somehow make it all about her, just like she did when Gogie died.

Now who is the pathetic one? See how she invades my head? I really must do something about that. Drugs are not the answer. The only other answer I can think of would be distance. A very complicated answer that at this time really isn't a viable option. At least in my mind. So what then? Zen? I found a Dashboard Widget (www.DailyTao.org) that displays a new chapter of the Tao Te Ching everyday. Today's goes like this:

Nothing in the world
is as soft and yielding as water.
Yet for dissolving the hard and inflexible,
nothing can surpass it.

The soft overcomes the hard;
the gentle overcomes the rigid.
Everyone knows this is true,
but few can put it into practice.

Therefore the Master remains
serene in the midst of sorrow.
Evil cannot enter his heart.
Because he has given up helping,
he is people's greatest help.

True words seem paradoxical.

I get what it's trying to say but as is stated "...few can put it into practice." I know I have a hard time believing that the soft can overcome the hard, yet there are real examples of it all around me. Bringing it closer to home though all I see is the 'Hard' people getting what they want because most people don't want to deal with their hardness. It just seems that way to me. My wife's sister is one of those. She a ball-busting bitch who yells and screams the minute she thinks she's not getting something, be it better service, something equal or better than what her sister may have got, or her kids not getting away with whatever they want. Right or wrong she makes a fuss until she gets what she wants. Now those who see this don't really like her. Is that the trade off? She still gets what she wants and seems to care less about what people think. It's a narcissistic type of self righteousness that is UGLY! Toby on the other hand seems to get her hardness from years of pounding by her father and maybe even her husband and thus has one of the lowest self esteems I've seen in anyone. That still doesn't excuse it from either of them, and yet seemingly out of intimidation and 'hardness' they both get to do and say what they want without retribution. That's just fucked up.

Of course as I write this she calls me to find out if we're going to the lake this weekend it being so miserable out and all. When I tell her what's been going here she says she's sorry and goes about her shit like nothing has happened. Damn her! Can't she just accept what I'm saying, hear it and back off of her shit for a minute? It's all about her! Fuck her!

Perspective...

A friend of mine who has a 2 year old son and was five months pregnant died of a heart attack last night. If that doesn't put things into perspective then nothing will.

Addendum:
She really died of a blood infection due to pneumonia.

Who's the sucker now?

So the crisis regarding the cottage seems to have come to some sort of resolve, at least for the time being. It is as it was before she had her latest episode. I do everything and she complains about it all. Yeha!! Yet I keep getting this nagging feeling like I am giving up or in or something like that. Two days ago, for my own well being I was resolved to cut her out of my life. I was resolved to walk away from the cottage, knowing that it will never change, at least not as long as she's alive. I was working through being able to let go of something that is truly treasured but that also comes with what at times is an untenable cost. Now with one phone call most of that has changed.

But who's the sucker? I know it's going to happen again. It will all happen again, and again and again. So why do I open the door every time? Maybe I'm the loser. I mean really how many times do we need to bang our heads into something before we remove it or ourselves from harms way?? Life is full of sacrifices and difficulties, especially when raising children. Is this why I sacrifice my sanity; so that they may experience the joy of being at the lake. Of course they would be overjoyed at any lake, but it's not camping it's a cottage which is a completely different animal. There is continuity in a cottage that you can't get with camping. Friends, family, town sites etc. So do I do this for my kids? I suppose so.

So where does that leave me? Dealing with a crazy bitch, that's where. The rare episodes of rational compassionate understanding aside, deep down she's still a crazy bitch that one should always have their guard up when interacting with. And how in the hell am I to be out there and even cordial to the loser next door. If it were up to me I would have absolutely nothing to do with him. Unfortunately it's not that simple. He will be there. He will always be a presence in her life. Crazies attract crazies, especially when they're brother and sister. The incestuous nature of the way things work with them makes it impossible to get away from. So what to do? How can I have any kind of discussion with him when I have absolutely no respect for him? When all I'll really want to do is hit him on sight? Can I really eat that kind of shit? And for what? For my wife and kids I suppose.

later, later that day:

Eye matey there has been a shift in the winds and the tide has taken an 180⁰ turn right out of the eye of the impending inferno. Low and behold after having the begeezies scared out of her by my phone message she realized that she didn't know squat about operating a cottage. In her weepy words, "I don't know how to do any of this and if I have to do it myself I have to sell it." This after me repeatedly telling her that I would be overjoyed to help with the place. That it's a pleasure not a burden. But no more games. Don't tell me one day that you want "Control" and then turn around the next day and tell me that you can't do it on your own. I will give her credit for apologizing albeit in her usual passive/aggressive wording.

Could there be hope yet? I doubt it! We all know what lies just beneath the surface seeping out of every disgusting poor that she has. It boils and simmers until the next time. It may take days, sometimes mere moments and, if one is really lucky, many weeks, but it is inevitable. The She Bitch from Waterloo will in deed erupt and spew forth on us yet again.
Addendum:
Does it make me a big loser for not sticking to my guns and not cutting everything off? Especially when knowing full well it's going to continue to happen over and over as long as she is in my life. Is the cottage really worth that?

even more later that day:

I have too much to do today to let this consume me any further! I phoned into her message machine and left her two more numbers she should call. One was to get the cable hooked up and the other was to confirm with renters who want it for the first week in July. Let her piss with them, they'll walk after the first interaction with the bitch. Contrary to her warped mind people see right through her and sense that they should run, not walk, the other way as soon as possible.

I did the phone thing because given how I am feeling I don't think I could really handle talking directly to her. It's probably safer that way; I can't get carried away and fall into one of her traps or endless rounds of mean, evil salvos. She should have been a boxer because boy can she serve up the shots. To the head, to the gut, you name it she doesn't pull em. She coulda been a contenda!! LOL Evil Bitch!!!

I am doing whatever I can to detach and be done. I'm sorry for what this may do to my kids but the truth is, it is my job to look out for their well being; both physical and mental. When the evil bitch is like this she is dangerous to my children and therefore I will get in between and protect them form her shit, even it means disassociating all of us from her. Who really loses there? Not me or my kids. No they may miss her at first, although I doubt it, but eventually they will all be old enough to understand what we have done for them. No one, not my dad, not me or my brothers and nieces and certainly not my wife and kids deserve to have her horror show foisted upon them like it's her right to make our lives miserable. IT'S NOT YOUR RIGHT TO DO THAT. I DON"T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU ARE MY MOTHER. YOU DO NOT GET TO TREAT ME OR MY FAMILY THE WAY YOU DO ANY LONGER. I WON'T LET YOU, EVEN IF IT KILLS ME. Now go and FUCK OFF and die, you bitch. IF you're going to continue living like this and not do something about it, you deserve to die. Just make it soon so the rest of us can forget about you and move on in a positive direction.

the “More later.”:

Nothing seems to be able to help my mood today. Nothing! Not drugs, not sleep, not talking about it, nothing! I have said before that the only reason I could think of that would make me want to move out of Winnipeg is her. Has she actually made me arrive at that point? Its more tempting now than ever. That's for sure!

One way or the other it is time to punt her from my life. My children do not need her brand of limited and quantifiable love. Can you believe she just stood in front of a room full people and publicly proclaimed that there was nothing that Ellenor and metaphorically speaking the rest of her family could do that would make her love them any less, she just loves them unconditionally! What a load of shit!!! That bitch doesn't have a clue about what unconditional love is all about! Everything with her has a list of conditions a mile long. Pathetic bitch!!! FUCK OFF!!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! EVIL SICK TWISTED BITCH!!!!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU! !FUCK YOU!!

Crazy man.

Well another semi-sleepless night, and all because of her and her craziness. Either that or it is because, try as I might, no amount of weed smoked is going to be enough to rid my head of her evilness. I have been told by psychiatrists, other family members, and friends alike that I need to let go of her insanity and not let it affect me so. Even if that means cutting her out of my life completely. I wish, I so totally wish I could figure out how.

She is like a cancer who gets under your skin. She knows which buttons to press and does so with vengeance, spite and anger. A lethal combination. She has burrowed into my every waking thought and sickens me and angers me. For over a week now she has been the one thing to overwhelm all other thoughts. I have tried drinking her away, smoking her away and now today have taken a quarter of a very powerful type of vallium in an attempt to make it through the day without shaking with rage and wanting to punch the first person who gives me even a modicum of a reason. Lord help them if anyone does.
She continually disrespects and insults me, my wife and family. The farcical things she said in her speech at the Bat are now proving to be so damn hypercritical, just as I feared they would. We are in fact bad parents in her eyes. We are even worse children and the list of things that one of us could do to her to have her do this to us is ever increasing and covering a much broader scope of possible reasons to incite. They change from one minute to the next and no one ever really knows when they're going to step in it. Well she better stop it if she doesn't want to die an old, bitter, lonely Morris clone. Oh wait she's already all of the above. Way to go Mom, Dad would be so proud of you!

She should be ashamed for her actions and words. She should know that my Dad would have been so very disappointed with her. I'm betting that at this point she could care less about what he may have thought about this or anything for that matter. She told me last night that she is taking control! Control of what? The cottage? She may not think it but she knows damn well she's had total control of that place since he died. One would think that this is an old woman who has so little control in her life that she needs to have it to feel alive and useful. This is why she acts the way she does. If only it were that simple.
More later.