After talking to my brother I had to spit some shit out in an attempt to get on with my day without her and her shit playing over and over in my head.
She called him last night in an attempt to "fix" things. Sadly after an hour it was clear to my brother that nothing would change and she will continue to hear what she wants to hear and fabricate the rest. In the meantime she was going to gnarl. Same old, same old. This is so textbook her. It's all us and she has done nothing to deserve this. What a crock of shit.
Ah fuck her. pptttttttttt.
There, now I can go on with the rest of my day and not allow her the power of effecting anything. If only it were as easily done as said.
And so it goes.
--
TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic
Friday, March 16, 2007
A couple of things
This morning I have a strong feeling of trepidation for one reason or another. Perhaps it's for a couple of reasons that I can think of.
1) Mymomzilla called here yesterday. That's always provecation for anxiety, but this call has me more irked than anything else. She called because it was my eldest daughter's birthday. After wishing her a happy birthday she apparently got the other kids on the phone and not treating them to well quizzed them on when their swimming lessons were. Fortunately none of them knew the day or time and I was not around. I know it seems like an innocuous question, but sadly nothing with mymomzilla is innocuous. I immediately felt like we were being stalked by her. I will not be happy if she shows up at the pool. I can't stop her and will have nothing to do with her if she does but I'll be dammned if I'm going to sit idly by while she starts showing up where my kids are. She was not very pleasent to them on the phone and is constantly getting mad at them after hearing about events that she was not involved in. The fact that nobody was involved means nothing to mymomzilla. It's all about her except perhaps the truth. Her seeing the truth is as illusive as seeing pigs fly. The bottom line here is that if she thinks that I am going to let her stalk my kids while treating them poorly she is terribly mistaken. The reign of terror stops with me. She may have been able to perpetrate her terror on me and my brothers for all of these yearts but no way in hell will I alow it on my kids. She would never you say. Ha! She has already done it with one of her grandchildren. Some of that was, IMHO, her projecting her anger and rage at my brother onto his daughter. She has been terrible to this young woman and what I have learned from that is that I will NEVER allow that to be inflicted on my kids. I live with enough guilt for not intervening on my neices behalf on certain occassions when her own dad was not capable. I can't imagine allowing that to happpen to my own kids. Now that what some call her "Narcissistic Supply" has been cut off by my going non contact and her shutting out my brothers I fear that she will seek it from my kids. She needs to have these relationships from someone; it is the nature of the illness. Her friends, if she even has any left, will not put up with it and the only other person in her life is her brother; my lovely uncle. My therapist figures that given how mymomzilla is lashing out all over the place that a major falling out between her and my uncle is on the horizon. Time will tell and quite frankly I don't care what goes on between the two of them but I will state for the record that if she starts to escalate with my children she will be immediately cut off from them.
2) This whole hockey thing started me thinking about a bunch of things. It brought forward all sorts of juvenile feelings of the playground, never getting chosen first etc. More striking than thinking about that was coming to the realization about how my experiences with mymomzilla have made me feel such that I am my own worst enemy. Of course it would be foolish to blame it all on her but I can't help but feel that if she was not who she is perhaps I might feel better about myself and my ability. She has instilled the "Glass is half empty" mentality in all of us. Rather than the glass being half full it is always half empty. By that I mean she has instilled a negitivity in me that I have not yet been able to shake. My therapist is constantly trying to convince me that I was in fact a good son and did do much for her but it was never enough and never will be enough. That I am a worthy of a healthy happy life.
I guess my point here is that I am predisposed to easily thinking the worst about myself and what other's think. The hockey thing simply brought that home. Whether my friend was dancing around the issue because he was genuinely concerned with my shoulder or because the team did not want me to play is actually irrelivent to me. What is relivent to me is the fact that I immediately went to the conclusion that what was being said was a thinly veiled attemp to tell me that the team did not want me, not the best player, to come back after not playing for two months to play in the playoffs because I was not good enough. Not to mention out of shape and all. That may be true and in sport shit happens, even between freinds. It may also be true that despite all of this they will miss me as they have stated and that as one put it "it just won't be the same without you (me) there." Again none of this is really relivent to this posting exept to again reiterate how I can be my worst enemy and it seems to have much to do with how my experiences with mymomzilla has put me in a place where I think so llittle of myself that I am affected by shit like this. I really have to do something about that.
--
TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic
1) Mymomzilla called here yesterday. That's always provecation for anxiety, but this call has me more irked than anything else. She called because it was my eldest daughter's birthday. After wishing her a happy birthday she apparently got the other kids on the phone and not treating them to well quizzed them on when their swimming lessons were. Fortunately none of them knew the day or time and I was not around. I know it seems like an innocuous question, but sadly nothing with mymomzilla is innocuous. I immediately felt like we were being stalked by her. I will not be happy if she shows up at the pool. I can't stop her and will have nothing to do with her if she does but I'll be dammned if I'm going to sit idly by while she starts showing up where my kids are. She was not very pleasent to them on the phone and is constantly getting mad at them after hearing about events that she was not involved in. The fact that nobody was involved means nothing to mymomzilla. It's all about her except perhaps the truth. Her seeing the truth is as illusive as seeing pigs fly. The bottom line here is that if she thinks that I am going to let her stalk my kids while treating them poorly she is terribly mistaken. The reign of terror stops with me. She may have been able to perpetrate her terror on me and my brothers for all of these yearts but no way in hell will I alow it on my kids. She would never you say. Ha! She has already done it with one of her grandchildren. Some of that was, IMHO, her projecting her anger and rage at my brother onto his daughter. She has been terrible to this young woman and what I have learned from that is that I will NEVER allow that to be inflicted on my kids. I live with enough guilt for not intervening on my neices behalf on certain occassions when her own dad was not capable. I can't imagine allowing that to happpen to my own kids. Now that what some call her "Narcissistic Supply" has been cut off by my going non contact and her shutting out my brothers I fear that she will seek it from my kids. She needs to have these relationships from someone; it is the nature of the illness. Her friends, if she even has any left, will not put up with it and the only other person in her life is her brother; my lovely uncle. My therapist figures that given how mymomzilla is lashing out all over the place that a major falling out between her and my uncle is on the horizon. Time will tell and quite frankly I don't care what goes on between the two of them but I will state for the record that if she starts to escalate with my children she will be immediately cut off from them.
2) This whole hockey thing started me thinking about a bunch of things. It brought forward all sorts of juvenile feelings of the playground, never getting chosen first etc. More striking than thinking about that was coming to the realization about how my experiences with mymomzilla have made me feel such that I am my own worst enemy. Of course it would be foolish to blame it all on her but I can't help but feel that if she was not who she is perhaps I might feel better about myself and my ability. She has instilled the "Glass is half empty" mentality in all of us. Rather than the glass being half full it is always half empty. By that I mean she has instilled a negitivity in me that I have not yet been able to shake. My therapist is constantly trying to convince me that I was in fact a good son and did do much for her but it was never enough and never will be enough. That I am a worthy of a healthy happy life.
I guess my point here is that I am predisposed to easily thinking the worst about myself and what other's think. The hockey thing simply brought that home. Whether my friend was dancing around the issue because he was genuinely concerned with my shoulder or because the team did not want me to play is actually irrelivent to me. What is relivent to me is the fact that I immediately went to the conclusion that what was being said was a thinly veiled attemp to tell me that the team did not want me, not the best player, to come back after not playing for two months to play in the playoffs because I was not good enough. Not to mention out of shape and all. That may be true and in sport shit happens, even between freinds. It may also be true that despite all of this they will miss me as they have stated and that as one put it "it just won't be the same without you (me) there." Again none of this is really relivent to this posting exept to again reiterate how I can be my worst enemy and it seems to have much to do with how my experiences with mymomzilla has put me in a place where I think so llittle of myself that I am affected by shit like this. I really have to do something about that.
--
TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
When winning matters and friends don't.
Yesterday was a stellar day around here ... not! I sent mymomzilla her keys via registered mail so that she will need to sign for them. At the very least she can't accuse me of not returning them when asked. It was difficult and easy all at the same time. Either way I figure she'll try and make it about me. How I sent her her keys and therefore I am again treating her poorly. Never mind the fact that she asked me to do it. Later in the day a neighbour from the cottage called to say that she hd rented her cottage out and there were more people interested in the same time frame and were we renting and/or looking for renters. I told her that she needed to cqll my mother as I wasno longer involved in the cottage. She said "oh that doesn't sound good" and all I could muster was "No it's not." She said okay I'll call her then. I am relieved to not be responsible for that any more given what it would entail but it stilll smarts a bit to know that it is all over in that respect.
At the same time I foolishly sent my hockey team coach/captain and friend an E-mail explaining that I would very much like to play on Saturday which is our playoff day. Two maybe three games if we win, all in one day. I separated my shoulder a couple of months ago and have not played since. I am feeling ready and have received doctors clearance to play but to be fair I am far from in game shape althoug I could easily play these games. So I put it out there that I knew the team has been gelling and successful since I got injured and so if the decision was that they felt I would hurt their chances by playing then I wouldn't play. I say this was foolish because as my wife put it I totally lead with my chin and opened the door for a no. Damn why do I do this shit to myself? Well it seems that I was right and they don't really want me to play. I was told that I could if I want BUT. This is really what bugs me. He couldn't even be truly honest with me. He started phomfing around with feigned concern about my shoulder and how two games in a row would be difficult especially after not playing for so long. I had long supsected this would be the situation based on reactions from various teammates when I had told them I would be back for the playoffs. I'm far from the best player on the team but I'm on the team none the less. I know for sure if it were one of the more skilled palyers in my position it would be a non issue. Story of my life; not the really great palyer so not of much consequence. I know this all sounds like school yard bullshit that one would think ended in elementary school but it still smarts that A) they don't want me to play B) if it were the other way around I would have said absolutley you play. This is why I was niave enough to put it out there in the first place. I didn't truly believe that they would say no. I guess technically they have not said that which is C) what bothers me most. Why couldn't he just be honest with me and say your E-mail was correct. You would not be helping the team and thus we feel you're not ready to come back. Instead I get feigned concern about my shoulder, questions about my conditioning and am told that if I choose to play I will have to play in a different position. Read between those lines and I'm not in the line up. Other guys who missed more than I due to work, family commitments and what have you are palying; not because they are so healthy but because they are highly skilled and would be welcome on playoff day even if they'd only played one game all season. Just doesn't seem fair, but then again who ever said life was going to be fair? I think I'll opt out of the post season wind up party. I think it would be like rubbing salt in the wounds to sit around and listen to the rest of them talk about the palyoff games they just played and what a great second half of the season they had. All without me.
Feeling like Eeyore today. Cie la vie.
--
TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic
At the same time I foolishly sent my hockey team coach/captain and friend an E-mail explaining that I would very much like to play on Saturday which is our playoff day. Two maybe three games if we win, all in one day. I separated my shoulder a couple of months ago and have not played since. I am feeling ready and have received doctors clearance to play but to be fair I am far from in game shape althoug I could easily play these games. So I put it out there that I knew the team has been gelling and successful since I got injured and so if the decision was that they felt I would hurt their chances by playing then I wouldn't play. I say this was foolish because as my wife put it I totally lead with my chin and opened the door for a no. Damn why do I do this shit to myself? Well it seems that I was right and they don't really want me to play. I was told that I could if I want BUT. This is really what bugs me. He couldn't even be truly honest with me. He started phomfing around with feigned concern about my shoulder and how two games in a row would be difficult especially after not playing for so long. I had long supsected this would be the situation based on reactions from various teammates when I had told them I would be back for the playoffs. I'm far from the best player on the team but I'm on the team none the less. I know for sure if it were one of the more skilled palyers in my position it would be a non issue. Story of my life; not the really great palyer so not of much consequence. I know this all sounds like school yard bullshit that one would think ended in elementary school but it still smarts that A) they don't want me to play B) if it were the other way around I would have said absolutley you play. This is why I was niave enough to put it out there in the first place. I didn't truly believe that they would say no. I guess technically they have not said that which is C) what bothers me most. Why couldn't he just be honest with me and say your E-mail was correct. You would not be helping the team and thus we feel you're not ready to come back. Instead I get feigned concern about my shoulder, questions about my conditioning and am told that if I choose to play I will have to play in a different position. Read between those lines and I'm not in the line up. Other guys who missed more than I due to work, family commitments and what have you are palying; not because they are so healthy but because they are highly skilled and would be welcome on playoff day even if they'd only played one game all season. Just doesn't seem fair, but then again who ever said life was going to be fair? I think I'll opt out of the post season wind up party. I think it would be like rubbing salt in the wounds to sit around and listen to the rest of them talk about the palyoff games they just played and what a great second half of the season they had. All without me.
Feeling like Eeyore today. Cie la vie.
--
TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic
Monday, March 12, 2007
some from 2001
January 14, 2001
This is a new one on me. I wonder who put that idea in her head? What a bunch of crap. I am not after her fucking money, nor do I resent her for what she has. It's kind of insulting that she or anyone else would think that I am like that. In all the years I haven't asked either of them for a fucken dime. They've given me some but I've never asked for it.
February 7, 2001
Mom was scaring me the other day talking a bout selling the cottage. I'm in no position to do a damn thing about it if she chooses to do so, and would be incredibly bitter if she ever did. Apparently Uncle asked her if he could rent it for a couple of weeks when his daughter and her kids come. I think she said no and I don't understand what's happening next door but they're all convinced that other uncle will definitely sell.
April 1, 2001 (I really did care about her at one time.)
I'm pretty concerned about Mom. She's laid up pretty bad with this syatic thing. For the last week she has not been able to move because of the pain. She sometimes has to literally crawl on the floor to get anywhere. She's spoken to several doctors, all but one of which has suggested she go to the hospital. But of course she won't go. Her main doc. - Vivian - has prescribed her percacet, a narcotic type pain killer. It seems to do very little in the way of pain relief. In the meantime I call her a couple of times a day only to listen to her cry about the pain and the immobility that it causes. Sometimes she gets pretty upset and lays all sorts of crap on me. No biggy. Today I went and ran some errands for her and actually got her to let me cut up some chicken and make her chicken salad. If was one of those "no you don't have to do that, I'll just go and cut a bit then lay down and go and cut some more until it's done....well if you really want to go ahead." It's like the old joke, it's okay I'll just sit in the dark. LOL Anyway, I don't really know what to do for her. Nobody seems to know what exactly it is and she's in a whole lot of pain. That's pretty much the scoop with her.
April 2, 2001
Well, Mom is now home from the hospital, all shot up with morphine and none-the-happier for it. The doc there actually did recommend a chiropractor but I wouldn't hold my breath on her actually going.
The truth be told, I'm pretty sick of this whole thing. It's been going on for months and I've been telling her to try anything to take care of this. I've suggested physio, chiropracty, and even acupuncture. You'd think that someone in her kind of discomfort would be willing to do anything to have it end, but of course she would rather complain about it all and say that nobody can do anything about it. She finally went for one physio appointment and felt better and then this set in so she started blaming the physio. I told her that I figured she needed intensive physio at first. That's exactly what the doctor told her today so now she's whining that she can't afford it. I told her she can't afford not to. I just don't feel like listening to her whining any more - not when she's not willing to do anything about it. The biggest thing she got out of today was that it could very well take up to a year to clear this up. So now she can play on that one for at least a year and a half. ;) Joy! Anyhow, she'll survive. I'm just blowing off some steam.
The spectacle that is our mother. (Not sure of the exact date but know it was around April 2001.)
Took Mom to physio today and it was incredibly insane. I get to her apartment and she's walking pretty good and is all made up for the public. As soon as we get out of the apartment door and she has to sit in the wheel chair she starts moaning and groaning all the way to the car. Her physio is at the Rady Centre. Just inside the door there is a set of couches which she promptly flops onto face down, moaning. I finally get her back in the wheelchair and she cowers and hides her face as if in shame as we go down this long hallway to the waiting area where again she promptly flops, face down onto the couch there. It is the same in reverse on the way home, where she promptly assumes her position on the bed and flips on the TV.
The phisio says she has a condition known as Pi(y)riformis Syndrome. Apparently people who spend long hours in the same position are prone to this syndrome. Gee what a shocking surprise! I think the short of it is that she has simply become stuck on her bed after spending so long there. It's the only place she seems to be comfortable.
I suppose I should be far more sympathetic to her pain and suffering but I have to tell you it becomes very difficult to be that when witnessing displays like that earlier today. It was just way too over the top and I can't help but think she is playing this one to the hilt. Each day she turns more and more into her father. It is both frightening and sickening. I called her tonight and when asked how she was she barked that she was "awful what else did I expect?" Then she tells me that she is giving up on physio - she's been twice! I told her she has to continue and that it's not going to be cured over night and to not give up. She said she was done and I said no, you need to do what you have to do. She didn't like that and more and less hung up on me. I've lost two days of work to her and I'm sitting here with the phone in my hand thinking "this I don't need," and looking for something to hit. LOL
May 3, 2001
Have lost a fair amount of my day-work time to helping out Mom. Trying to be there for her but sometimes it is very difficult. Either I'm just not up to listening to her cry on the phone or I'm really pressed for time and am sacrificing something else in order to get her stuff done. Cei la vie.
She is totally all over the place about the cottage these days. I had enough and told her so. At one point I told her if she wanted to sell it that bad she should and that it obviously had nothing to do with what any of us though. To her it's all about money, and power, although in her more passionate moments she knows what Dad would have wanted and I finally pulled that card on her the other day when she started up with me about it again. Then today out of the blue she goes and arranges for the cable to be hooked up. Go figure. I do know one thing. For years she held that place over Dad's head as hers to with what she wanted and threatened many times to sell it out from under him. I am not going to allow her to do that to me which is why I finally told her to sell the damn thing if it was that important to her. Uncle has now gotten into the fray and I am livid with him. He's all fucked up because of all the money he lost and is all paranoid that other uncle is going to lose his place when the dust settles with other uncle's crazy ex-wife. So he has suggested to Mom that the two of them share our place. He take it for one month and then she takes it for a month. Fortunately, at least the other day, Mom wasn't too keen on that idea but I'll be damned if I'm going to stand by and watch him weasel himself in there. Fuck that. If he's that worried about his own money he can rent Paul's for a month and then take it himself for a month. I don't fucken trust him right now about anything.
July 4, 2001
Everyone has something different to say about the Percocet. Regardless of what anyone says, she is going through withdrawl - real or imagined - and it isn't pleasant. She will get through it eventually, but in the meantime it's hell for her and those around her. Her brothers are not helping the situation. It seems they've decided to take the tough love approach and the other day Uncle told her what a miserable shrew she's been the last number of years. Some of what he said was dead on but perhaps poorly timed. Other city uncle is still trying to figure out whether alcoholism is a disease or addiction or both. He just doesn't get any of it and has no tolerance for anyone else. I guess that will happen when you go through life devoid of all feelings. ;(
I keep thinking that maybe all this shit will shake her into a state of wanting, no demanding, that she make some positive changes in her life. Nothing thus far has managed to do that for her. One can only hope.
These were all within the first six months of my father passing away. It makes me sad to see these as I can see that then I truly cared about her and would have done whatever I could for her. Now nearly 6 years later I find it pretty much impossible to have any compassion for her what so ever.
--
TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic
This is a new one on me. I wonder who put that idea in her head? What a bunch of crap. I am not after her fucking money, nor do I resent her for what she has. It's kind of insulting that she or anyone else would think that I am like that. In all the years I haven't asked either of them for a fucken dime. They've given me some but I've never asked for it.
February 7, 2001
Mom was scaring me the other day talking a bout selling the cottage. I'm in no position to do a damn thing about it if she chooses to do so, and would be incredibly bitter if she ever did. Apparently Uncle asked her if he could rent it for a couple of weeks when his daughter and her kids come. I think she said no and I don't understand what's happening next door but they're all convinced that other uncle will definitely sell.
April 1, 2001 (I really did care about her at one time.)
I'm pretty concerned about Mom. She's laid up pretty bad with this syatic thing. For the last week she has not been able to move because of the pain. She sometimes has to literally crawl on the floor to get anywhere. She's spoken to several doctors, all but one of which has suggested she go to the hospital. But of course she won't go. Her main doc. - Vivian - has prescribed her percacet, a narcotic type pain killer. It seems to do very little in the way of pain relief. In the meantime I call her a couple of times a day only to listen to her cry about the pain and the immobility that it causes. Sometimes she gets pretty upset and lays all sorts of crap on me. No biggy. Today I went and ran some errands for her and actually got her to let me cut up some chicken and make her chicken salad. If was one of those "no you don't have to do that, I'll just go and cut a bit then lay down and go and cut some more until it's done....well if you really want to go ahead." It's like the old joke, it's okay I'll just sit in the dark. LOL Anyway, I don't really know what to do for her. Nobody seems to know what exactly it is and she's in a whole lot of pain. That's pretty much the scoop with her.
April 2, 2001
Well, Mom is now home from the hospital, all shot up with morphine and none-the-happier for it. The doc there actually did recommend a chiropractor but I wouldn't hold my breath on her actually going.
The truth be told, I'm pretty sick of this whole thing. It's been going on for months and I've been telling her to try anything to take care of this. I've suggested physio, chiropracty, and even acupuncture. You'd think that someone in her kind of discomfort would be willing to do anything to have it end, but of course she would rather complain about it all and say that nobody can do anything about it. She finally went for one physio appointment and felt better and then this set in so she started blaming the physio. I told her that I figured she needed intensive physio at first. That's exactly what the doctor told her today so now she's whining that she can't afford it. I told her she can't afford not to. I just don't feel like listening to her whining any more - not when she's not willing to do anything about it. The biggest thing she got out of today was that it could very well take up to a year to clear this up. So now she can play on that one for at least a year and a half. ;) Joy! Anyhow, she'll survive. I'm just blowing off some steam.
The spectacle that is our mother. (Not sure of the exact date but know it was around April 2001.)
Took Mom to physio today and it was incredibly insane. I get to her apartment and she's walking pretty good and is all made up for the public. As soon as we get out of the apartment door and she has to sit in the wheel chair she starts moaning and groaning all the way to the car. Her physio is at the Rady Centre. Just inside the door there is a set of couches which she promptly flops onto face down, moaning. I finally get her back in the wheelchair and she cowers and hides her face as if in shame as we go down this long hallway to the waiting area where again she promptly flops, face down onto the couch there. It is the same in reverse on the way home, where she promptly assumes her position on the bed and flips on the TV.
The phisio says she has a condition known as Pi(y)riformis Syndrome. Apparently people who spend long hours in the same position are prone to this syndrome. Gee what a shocking surprise! I think the short of it is that she has simply become stuck on her bed after spending so long there. It's the only place she seems to be comfortable.
I suppose I should be far more sympathetic to her pain and suffering but I have to tell you it becomes very difficult to be that when witnessing displays like that earlier today. It was just way too over the top and I can't help but think she is playing this one to the hilt. Each day she turns more and more into her father. It is both frightening and sickening. I called her tonight and when asked how she was she barked that she was "awful what else did I expect?" Then she tells me that she is giving up on physio - she's been twice! I told her she has to continue and that it's not going to be cured over night and to not give up. She said she was done and I said no, you need to do what you have to do. She didn't like that and more and less hung up on me. I've lost two days of work to her and I'm sitting here with the phone in my hand thinking "this I don't need," and looking for something to hit. LOL
May 3, 2001
Have lost a fair amount of my day-work time to helping out Mom. Trying to be there for her but sometimes it is very difficult. Either I'm just not up to listening to her cry on the phone or I'm really pressed for time and am sacrificing something else in order to get her stuff done. Cei la vie.
She is totally all over the place about the cottage these days. I had enough and told her so. At one point I told her if she wanted to sell it that bad she should and that it obviously had nothing to do with what any of us though. To her it's all about money, and power, although in her more passionate moments she knows what Dad would have wanted and I finally pulled that card on her the other day when she started up with me about it again. Then today out of the blue she goes and arranges for the cable to be hooked up. Go figure. I do know one thing. For years she held that place over Dad's head as hers to with what she wanted and threatened many times to sell it out from under him. I am not going to allow her to do that to me which is why I finally told her to sell the damn thing if it was that important to her. Uncle has now gotten into the fray and I am livid with him. He's all fucked up because of all the money he lost and is all paranoid that other uncle is going to lose his place when the dust settles with other uncle's crazy ex-wife. So he has suggested to Mom that the two of them share our place. He take it for one month and then she takes it for a month. Fortunately, at least the other day, Mom wasn't too keen on that idea but I'll be damned if I'm going to stand by and watch him weasel himself in there. Fuck that. If he's that worried about his own money he can rent Paul's for a month and then take it himself for a month. I don't fucken trust him right now about anything.
July 4, 2001
Everyone has something different to say about the Percocet. Regardless of what anyone says, she is going through withdrawl - real or imagined - and it isn't pleasant. She will get through it eventually, but in the meantime it's hell for her and those around her. Her brothers are not helping the situation. It seems they've decided to take the tough love approach and the other day Uncle told her what a miserable shrew she's been the last number of years. Some of what he said was dead on but perhaps poorly timed. Other city uncle is still trying to figure out whether alcoholism is a disease or addiction or both. He just doesn't get any of it and has no tolerance for anyone else. I guess that will happen when you go through life devoid of all feelings. ;(
I keep thinking that maybe all this shit will shake her into a state of wanting, no demanding, that she make some positive changes in her life. Nothing thus far has managed to do that for her. One can only hope.
These were all within the first six months of my father passing away. It makes me sad to see these as I can see that then I truly cared about her and would have done whatever I could for her. Now nearly 6 years later I find it pretty much impossible to have any compassion for her what so ever.
--
TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic
Sunday, March 11, 2007
A look back ... 2002
I spoke with my borhter today and he received the same phone call from mymomzilla either right before or right after I. And he lives several provinces over. So she is collecting keys. This made me wonder what would be next. She is loosing power and doing everything she could think of to try and yank it back. I have decided to send her keys to her in such a way so that I get a signed receipt. At least that way I can't be accused of not returning them when asked. It made me think that someway somehow perhaps the end is near. It's been a long time coming; at least since my dad died.
That made me think about how long this has actually been going on. A lifetime for sure but more specifically this heightened ganrly shit. This blog has been the official chronicle since the spring of 2005. But I remembed that I had been writing E-mails to my brother since 2002 and wondered if I still had any of them. I did and below are some excerpts from them. What is really startling is the repetitiveness over the years of the same feelings, abuses and excuses.
Jan. 29, 2002
I'm hating Mom the last couple of days so we won't go there right now. Don't feel like whining about her and her fucked up head.
Jan. 30, 2002
So there is the latest and greatest. I am starting to hate her for all this and can tell you that if this is the way her father treated her brother it's no wonder he's such a cold prick towards him. She may be my mother but for my sanity nobody can treat me like this - not even her.
Feb. 12, 2002
Well I tried, and failed. I've been really sick with the flu since we last spoke and have not been able to call Mom. So today I sucked it up and called her to wish her a happy birthday and got nothing but shit for not calling. It was absurd. All she could do was shit on me and tell me that she couldn't help me cause she didn't know I was sick. I should have taken five minutes and called her or had someone call her to tell her I was sick. And on and on. I told her I didn't need help and that I hadn't called anyone or done anything, just sort of laid low. Not good enough. She was just waiting to see how long it take for me to call her. I reminded her that it was a two way street and she didn't seem to agree. LOL It started to get ugly so I finally told her that I didn't call her to argue but to wish her a happy birthday instead. It was like she could care less and was to wrapped up in her anger towards me. Cie la vie. I mistakenly changed the subject and tried to talk to her about seeking out some al-anon or more specifically narc-anon support for someone I know who could use it and she got totally gnarly on me about it. Insisted on knowing who I was talking about etc, breaking every fucking rule of anonymity in the book. I was so angry by the time I got off the phone with her. I had to stop myself several times from picking up the phone to give her a piece of my mind. Some times I really wonder why I stop myself. I really seem to have nothing to lose at this point. Ah well, enough of that shit. Just thought I'd let you know how my birthday wish was received. Hope yours goes better.
Feb. 23, 2002
I know that Mom likes the skating so I was meaning to try have a conversation with her about that but the last time I spoke to her was so unpleasant that I didn't even bother. More money shit, more tears and more accusations that she does not feel welcome in my house. When I challenged her on those remarks to tell why, she refused to tell me saying that if I didn't know I wasn't as smart as she thought I was. Coward, I say. If she wants to keep dumping shit at my feet she better be prepared to talk about it and she's not. I've tried on this one several times and she refuses to discuss it. Instead she just wants to level shots and then run away (get off the phone.) Fuck her if she thinks I'm going to continue putting up with this shit. I don't get how she can be so upset with me and constantly laying shit on me and then wonder why I don't call her that often. I don't need that unpleasantness on a regular basis. It's too difficult. And so it goes. On and on and on ad nauseam.
April 3, 2002
The bad news is Mom owes the good old government 2100.00 and change. You can imagine how well she took that hit. I tried explaining it to her but to no avail. Not much more I can do except reassure her that she's got the money to pay it and that we will make the necessary arrangements to try and prevent this from happening again next year. Of course she had a hard time wrapping her head around the fact that either way you pay. Increase the deductions over the year or pay it once at the end of the year. Two things in life are for sure: death and taxes. She started to get nasty on me, mostly her own shock but I finally told her not to shoot the messenger. She calmed down a bit until she started saying shit like, and I quote "I wish I were dead." I told her money wasn't worth it. And she told me that's not how she was brought up. Some things will never change. Cie la vie.
June 10, 2002
Damn her for making me an anger case. Damn me for letting her get to me. I guess my skin just aint thick enough.
June 13, 2002
The closer it gets the more I dread going out there on Sunday. I just keep getting angrier and angrier. This scares the hell out of me - feels like I'm turning into her. My wife has said that she won't go, not with her acting like this (can't say I blame her!) so I'm on my own. I'll just have to go and do what I have to and leave. Here's hoping that it goes as smoothly as possible.
July 3, 2002
I did everything I could to keep it nice and light and friendly. Even offered to go blind shopping with her. She kept starting with what was going on and when I tried to talk about it she would shut me down saying she didn't want to talk about it (even though she kept bringing it up) and told me that she wasn't interested in what I had to say. I find it incredibly frustrating that she refuses to take any responsibility for the things she says and does. Something I just have to accept, hard as it may be. I put the kids on to talk to her so hopefully that'll cheer her up.
July 15, 2002
Yesterday I drove out to Gimli to get the key from the renters and check things out. They left the place spotless. I stuck around for a bit and visited with some friends that were out at a different cottage. Did a few things around the place including moving Mom's boxes back into her room and making her bed (more on that later). Then I went by the hotel to see Uncle to get the schedule on daughter's visit. We sort of got into what was going on with Mom and me and of course his attitude, after telling me that he has been beaten and abused by his father for 66 years, was to put up and shut up because she's my mother. And as for my kids being intimidated and such, well kids have suffered much worse and turned out okay and they are privileged for having the cottage. What a bunch of crap. I agree that they are privileged for having the cottage. But that's were both he and Mom have this so wrong. This has nothing to do with the cottage and everything to do withthe way Mom and I treat each other. He started getting angry with some of the things I was trying to explain so I just left it. Maybe they both got beat on enough to be totally subservient to their father just because he's their father. I tried to explain that I wasn't trying to change anyone, but that I needed to point out that everyone needs to take responsibility for the things they say and do and to realize that there are consequences and fallout from some things. Not too difficult in my eyes. Apparently it's too much to ask.
When I got home I phoned Mom as promised to give her the update on the cottage etc. All was going fairly well, albeit somewhat superficial, and then she starts up again. First she gets pissed at me for bringing in her boxes, putting them in her room and making her bead out there. Here I thought I was doing something thoughtful and helpful and she gets all pissy because I didn't use her sheets which, it turns out, she hid before she left. I can let that slide because it's really no big deal and no matter what I do I don't do it "her" way so I don't really know why I bother. Then she tells me that seeing how nobody was going to use the cottage she wanted to rent it more. I told she'd better check on the insurance if that's what she wants to do. I also indicated that I would like to use it if that was okay by her. So her question to me was: "So what am I supposed to do when you and your happy little children come out - leave?" See how crazy this is? I said absolutely not. I tried again to explain to her that I would love to be out there with her and the kids and that I never said otherwise. Of course she claims I did, on her birthday, and again I tried to explain that it had everything to do with her state of mind at that time and was not a blanket statement and the she was turning it into one. She wouldn't have any of that and proceeded to tell me that she has no problems and I am the one with problems and until I do something about them nothing will ever be resolved. That I owe her a tremendous apology (which I've given her on several occasions and in several different ways but she has never accepted) and that she will never ever forget what I did to her on her birthday. I have made her sick you see and she is tired of crying over me. She still thinks it's all about the cottage and told me that it doesn't matter because one of these days she's going to sell it and give me 10,000.00 you 10,000.00 and our other brother 10,000.00 and be done with the whole thing.
July 24, 2002 Crazy optimist!
My wife took it upon herself to play peace-maker and on her own arranged to take the kids over to Mom's for a visit and they talked for a while. As Mom put it "a very brave move on her part!" My wife ate a ton of stuff all for the common good, filled Mom in on some of the other shit in our life and the end result was that Mom and I spoke the next day and so far things have been pretty good. So much so that she is already out at the lake and I am taking the kids tomorrow and my wife is joining us on Friday for the weekend. We have resolved to go forward from here and see if we can't try and support each other rather than gnarl on each other. One of things that I am hoping helped was a fight she had with her Dad. He was treating her like shit and she told him off. Although Mom told me about the fight she didn't tell me something that she did tell my wife and that apparently I'm not supposed to know. After telling him that he can't be mean and say whatever he wants she realized that this was exactly what she was doing to me. So right now we're on a bit of an upswing. I don't doubt that there will be more crap to deal with and although I am going to the lake with a little bit of trepidation, not nearly as much as before. Sharon and I have resolved to do our best to make this work better. I still sort of feel like we had to eat a whole bunch
of shit, as usual, but I can't help but hope that in the long run it should be for the best.
Well that's a sampling of 2002. Scary how long it took me to realize that she will never change. And still, 5 years later and it's still going on. Damn. Next time a sampling of 2003.
TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic
That made me think about how long this has actually been going on. A lifetime for sure but more specifically this heightened ganrly shit. This blog has been the official chronicle since the spring of 2005. But I remembed that I had been writing E-mails to my brother since 2002 and wondered if I still had any of them. I did and below are some excerpts from them. What is really startling is the repetitiveness over the years of the same feelings, abuses and excuses.
Jan. 29, 2002
I'm hating Mom the last couple of days so we won't go there right now. Don't feel like whining about her and her fucked up head.
Jan. 30, 2002
So there is the latest and greatest. I am starting to hate her for all this and can tell you that if this is the way her father treated her brother it's no wonder he's such a cold prick towards him. She may be my mother but for my sanity nobody can treat me like this - not even her.
Feb. 12, 2002
Well I tried, and failed. I've been really sick with the flu since we last spoke and have not been able to call Mom. So today I sucked it up and called her to wish her a happy birthday and got nothing but shit for not calling. It was absurd. All she could do was shit on me and tell me that she couldn't help me cause she didn't know I was sick. I should have taken five minutes and called her or had someone call her to tell her I was sick. And on and on. I told her I didn't need help and that I hadn't called anyone or done anything, just sort of laid low. Not good enough. She was just waiting to see how long it take for me to call her. I reminded her that it was a two way street and she didn't seem to agree. LOL It started to get ugly so I finally told her that I didn't call her to argue but to wish her a happy birthday instead. It was like she could care less and was to wrapped up in her anger towards me. Cie la vie. I mistakenly changed the subject and tried to talk to her about seeking out some al-anon or more specifically narc-anon support for someone I know who could use it and she got totally gnarly on me about it. Insisted on knowing who I was talking about etc, breaking every fucking rule of anonymity in the book. I was so angry by the time I got off the phone with her. I had to stop myself several times from picking up the phone to give her a piece of my mind. Some times I really wonder why I stop myself. I really seem to have nothing to lose at this point. Ah well, enough of that shit. Just thought I'd let you know how my birthday wish was received. Hope yours goes better.
Feb. 23, 2002
I know that Mom likes the skating so I was meaning to try have a conversation with her about that but the last time I spoke to her was so unpleasant that I didn't even bother. More money shit, more tears and more accusations that she does not feel welcome in my house. When I challenged her on those remarks to tell why, she refused to tell me saying that if I didn't know I wasn't as smart as she thought I was. Coward, I say. If she wants to keep dumping shit at my feet she better be prepared to talk about it and she's not. I've tried on this one several times and she refuses to discuss it. Instead she just wants to level shots and then run away (get off the phone.) Fuck her if she thinks I'm going to continue putting up with this shit. I don't get how she can be so upset with me and constantly laying shit on me and then wonder why I don't call her that often. I don't need that unpleasantness on a regular basis. It's too difficult. And so it goes. On and on and on ad nauseam.
April 3, 2002
The bad news is Mom owes the good old government 2100.00 and change. You can imagine how well she took that hit. I tried explaining it to her but to no avail. Not much more I can do except reassure her that she's got the money to pay it and that we will make the necessary arrangements to try and prevent this from happening again next year. Of course she had a hard time wrapping her head around the fact that either way you pay. Increase the deductions over the year or pay it once at the end of the year. Two things in life are for sure: death and taxes. She started to get nasty on me, mostly her own shock but I finally told her not to shoot the messenger. She calmed down a bit until she started saying shit like, and I quote "I wish I were dead." I told her money wasn't worth it. And she told me that's not how she was brought up. Some things will never change. Cie la vie.
June 10, 2002
Damn her for making me an anger case. Damn me for letting her get to me. I guess my skin just aint thick enough.
June 13, 2002
The closer it gets the more I dread going out there on Sunday. I just keep getting angrier and angrier. This scares the hell out of me - feels like I'm turning into her. My wife has said that she won't go, not with her acting like this (can't say I blame her!) so I'm on my own. I'll just have to go and do what I have to and leave. Here's hoping that it goes as smoothly as possible.
July 3, 2002
I did everything I could to keep it nice and light and friendly. Even offered to go blind shopping with her. She kept starting with what was going on and when I tried to talk about it she would shut me down saying she didn't want to talk about it (even though she kept bringing it up) and told me that she wasn't interested in what I had to say. I find it incredibly frustrating that she refuses to take any responsibility for the things she says and does. Something I just have to accept, hard as it may be. I put the kids on to talk to her so hopefully that'll cheer her up.
July 15, 2002
Yesterday I drove out to Gimli to get the key from the renters and check things out. They left the place spotless. I stuck around for a bit and visited with some friends that were out at a different cottage. Did a few things around the place including moving Mom's boxes back into her room and making her bed (more on that later). Then I went by the hotel to see Uncle to get the schedule on daughter's visit. We sort of got into what was going on with Mom and me and of course his attitude, after telling me that he has been beaten and abused by his father for 66 years, was to put up and shut up because she's my mother. And as for my kids being intimidated and such, well kids have suffered much worse and turned out okay and they are privileged for having the cottage. What a bunch of crap. I agree that they are privileged for having the cottage. But that's were both he and Mom have this so wrong. This has nothing to do with the cottage and everything to do withthe way Mom and I treat each other. He started getting angry with some of the things I was trying to explain so I just left it. Maybe they both got beat on enough to be totally subservient to their father just because he's their father. I tried to explain that I wasn't trying to change anyone, but that I needed to point out that everyone needs to take responsibility for the things they say and do and to realize that there are consequences and fallout from some things. Not too difficult in my eyes. Apparently it's too much to ask.
When I got home I phoned Mom as promised to give her the update on the cottage etc. All was going fairly well, albeit somewhat superficial, and then she starts up again. First she gets pissed at me for bringing in her boxes, putting them in her room and making her bead out there. Here I thought I was doing something thoughtful and helpful and she gets all pissy because I didn't use her sheets which, it turns out, she hid before she left. I can let that slide because it's really no big deal and no matter what I do I don't do it "her" way so I don't really know why I bother. Then she tells me that seeing how nobody was going to use the cottage she wanted to rent it more. I told she'd better check on the insurance if that's what she wants to do. I also indicated that I would like to use it if that was okay by her. So her question to me was: "So what am I supposed to do when you and your happy little children come out - leave?" See how crazy this is? I said absolutely not. I tried again to explain to her that I would love to be out there with her and the kids and that I never said otherwise. Of course she claims I did, on her birthday, and again I tried to explain that it had everything to do with her state of mind at that time and was not a blanket statement and the she was turning it into one. She wouldn't have any of that and proceeded to tell me that she has no problems and I am the one with problems and until I do something about them nothing will ever be resolved. That I owe her a tremendous apology (which I've given her on several occasions and in several different ways but she has never accepted) and that she will never ever forget what I did to her on her birthday. I have made her sick you see and she is tired of crying over me. She still thinks it's all about the cottage and told me that it doesn't matter because one of these days she's going to sell it and give me 10,000.00 you 10,000.00 and our other brother 10,000.00 and be done with the whole thing.
July 24, 2002 Crazy optimist!
My wife took it upon herself to play peace-maker and on her own arranged to take the kids over to Mom's for a visit and they talked for a while. As Mom put it "a very brave move on her part!" My wife ate a ton of stuff all for the common good, filled Mom in on some of the other shit in our life and the end result was that Mom and I spoke the next day and so far things have been pretty good. So much so that she is already out at the lake and I am taking the kids tomorrow and my wife is joining us on Friday for the weekend. We have resolved to go forward from here and see if we can't try and support each other rather than gnarl on each other. One of things that I am hoping helped was a fight she had with her Dad. He was treating her like shit and she told him off. Although Mom told me about the fight she didn't tell me something that she did tell my wife and that apparently I'm not supposed to know. After telling him that he can't be mean and say whatever he wants she realized that this was exactly what she was doing to me. So right now we're on a bit of an upswing. I don't doubt that there will be more crap to deal with and although I am going to the lake with a little bit of trepidation, not nearly as much as before. Sharon and I have resolved to do our best to make this work better. I still sort of feel like we had to eat a whole bunch
of shit, as usual, but I can't help but hope that in the long run it should be for the best.
Well that's a sampling of 2002. Scary how long it took me to realize that she will never change. And still, 5 years later and it's still going on. Damn. Next time a sampling of 2003.
TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic
A truism
I found this statement on one of the NPD message boards that I sometimes frequent and thought it too true to not repost here.
A true statement if ever I read one.
TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic
"Our parents are responsible for themselves and our wanting to end contact with them is a direct result of the way they treated us. It's abuse, and we don't have to tolerate it! Everyone gets old and illness is inevitable. They would have done well to remember that when they still had a chance. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty."
A true statement if ever I read one.
TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic
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