Friday, June 10, 2005
Does anybody read these?
I'm just curious if anyone else reads these. I'd be writing regardless so it makes no never mind to me if one reads this or not. I would like to know though if anyone is reading it. So if you read this stuff please feel free to leave a comment or two, even if it's a disparaging one. Think I'm whining? Let me know. Can relate, by all means please let me know, because you know: misery loves company. LOL Think it's all crap or been there done that? Oh well, either way let me know.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
She heard me!... for now.
Well the other day I told my mother that I couldn't hear any negative shit anymore. Not in those words of course, but pretty close. I told her that I was telling everyone that I just couldn't deal with all the negative stuff that comes out of so many peoples mouths anymore. That I felt that if you didn't have something good to say then it shouldn't be said.
Today she called and we're chatting about this and that and she stops and says that's all I have to report, especially because you don't want to hear anything negative. To that I responded "No I CAN'T hear anything negative and I appreciate very much that you stopped there. Thank you." I got the distinct feeling that she wasn't very happy about it but hell I don't give a damn as long as she doesn't do it. And she didn't! That's always been one of my biggest and most confusing problems with her. You never know when she is going to hear you and comprehend what you are saying. When she does it actually can feel like a step forward. When she doesn't it's hell. She'll take anything like that as a personal insult and turn it on you somehow. The firestorm grows in intensity until it is mean and evil. Pure evil. Her tongue lashes out like that of a finely tuned whip. Okay though, enough negative, the positive here is that this time anyway, she heard me and stopped herself from going down the negative road with me. That's really all I can ask. For her to stop herself if what she is about to say isn't nice. I don't really care what she thinks. I just can't deal with her inflicting it on me. Only her words and her actions can have an effect on me. And even then it is supposed to be up to me with regards to what she says. I think it sad that she could be any kind of content feeling as miserable as she generally does.
At least this time I got a break and was not feeling wounded afterwards. How sad is that; often after interacting with my mother I feel totally wounded in some way. Not so today. It was a good day.
Made me feel okay about the fact that we were dumping the kids with my wife's folks and driving a bed out to the lake to replace my moms. We went out, had dinner, moved furniture and headed back home. We were probably in Gimli for no more than an hour. I would have felt really hard done by if she had been evil about the whole thing as has been my experience in the past. Not this time though. Must have been my lucky day.
Today she called and we're chatting about this and that and she stops and says that's all I have to report, especially because you don't want to hear anything negative. To that I responded "No I CAN'T hear anything negative and I appreciate very much that you stopped there. Thank you." I got the distinct feeling that she wasn't very happy about it but hell I don't give a damn as long as she doesn't do it. And she didn't! That's always been one of my biggest and most confusing problems with her. You never know when she is going to hear you and comprehend what you are saying. When she does it actually can feel like a step forward. When she doesn't it's hell. She'll take anything like that as a personal insult and turn it on you somehow. The firestorm grows in intensity until it is mean and evil. Pure evil. Her tongue lashes out like that of a finely tuned whip. Okay though, enough negative, the positive here is that this time anyway, she heard me and stopped herself from going down the negative road with me. That's really all I can ask. For her to stop herself if what she is about to say isn't nice. I don't really care what she thinks. I just can't deal with her inflicting it on me. Only her words and her actions can have an effect on me. And even then it is supposed to be up to me with regards to what she says. I think it sad that she could be any kind of content feeling as miserable as she generally does.
At least this time I got a break and was not feeling wounded afterwards. How sad is that; often after interacting with my mother I feel totally wounded in some way. Not so today. It was a good day.
Made me feel okay about the fact that we were dumping the kids with my wife's folks and driving a bed out to the lake to replace my moms. We went out, had dinner, moved furniture and headed back home. We were probably in Gimli for no more than an hour. I would have felt really hard done by if she had been evil about the whole thing as has been my experience in the past. Not this time though. Must have been my lucky day.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Fighting the fight; some more.
Well today was a better day. I didn't feel as anxious when I woke up. I have altered my med schedule which may be helping. For years I always took it first thing in the morning. Then over the last several months it slipped until I was taking it with lunch. Now I am back to taking it first thing which also means I am forced to eat breakfast as it must be taken with food. That's a good thing.
I'm also cutting back on my other drugs of choice. Beer is pretty much gone. It's is not playing nice with my gut. Coincidentally my gut settles down quite a bit when I'm not drinking it. Hmmm, think I'm on to something here? Duh! I'm cutting back on weed as well. Can't hurt although after my last crash from quitting completely I think at the very least I need to wean myself down to nothing, nice and slow like.
I also talked to my wife today and let her in on how bad yesterday was. I told her that yesterday I thought I was going to have to make a doctors appointment and that I wasn't feeling like I needed it now. She asked me to make it anyway. I guess I can't blame her for making that request. She's been down this road with me once before and certainly doesn't deserve to go down it again. I told her if she can find me a name of a good counsellor I would go and talk too them. I'm really not interested in a shrink anymore. Not one of them has ever done me a damn bit of good short of writing scripts for me. They've all taken the approach that my mother isn't going to change and if I can't deal with her because she's become so toxic to me then I have to get her out of my life completely. Easier said then done. Not to mention that I really don't want it to have to come to that. Only one of them even attempted to talk coping strategies with me and he left. That's what I really want and need. Ways to cope with her without exercising her completely from my life and the lives of my wife and kids. This is one; surely there has got to be others.
She just phoned, saw her name and number on call display and it made me shudder, and I didn't answer. See, there are others. :)
I'm also cutting back on my other drugs of choice. Beer is pretty much gone. It's is not playing nice with my gut. Coincidentally my gut settles down quite a bit when I'm not drinking it. Hmmm, think I'm on to something here? Duh! I'm cutting back on weed as well. Can't hurt although after my last crash from quitting completely I think at the very least I need to wean myself down to nothing, nice and slow like.
I also talked to my wife today and let her in on how bad yesterday was. I told her that yesterday I thought I was going to have to make a doctors appointment and that I wasn't feeling like I needed it now. She asked me to make it anyway. I guess I can't blame her for making that request. She's been down this road with me once before and certainly doesn't deserve to go down it again. I told her if she can find me a name of a good counsellor I would go and talk too them. I'm really not interested in a shrink anymore. Not one of them has ever done me a damn bit of good short of writing scripts for me. They've all taken the approach that my mother isn't going to change and if I can't deal with her because she's become so toxic to me then I have to get her out of my life completely. Easier said then done. Not to mention that I really don't want it to have to come to that. Only one of them even attempted to talk coping strategies with me and he left. That's what I really want and need. Ways to cope with her without exercising her completely from my life and the lives of my wife and kids. This is one; surely there has got to be others.
She just phoned, saw her name and number on call display and it made me shudder, and I didn't answer. See, there are others. :)
Monday, June 06, 2005
Feeling sick
I am writing today to express my abject terror at the fact that I am feeling poorly. It's a feeling I know all to well and it scares the crap out of me, not to mention making me feel broken and weak. It is that feeling of the onset of a severe depression. I've been there done that thank you very much! I swore I would do anything not to go there ever again. That is why after almost 10 years I am still on Zoloft. Why is it happening?
It would be too easy to blame it on her, but the truth is she has definitely played a roll in this one. She has become so toxic to me that it is literally making me sick. This weekend was horrendous. I could not relax at all out at the cottage, and she wasn't even there! She was ever-present in the back of my head though! Get out! Get out of my fucken head you bitch!! I clean something out there and I have to ask myself if this will pass her inspection knowing full well that regardless of what she says out loud she'll be thinking that it could have been better. Why do I even bother? Wouldn't the fucken $60.00 it would cost to have someone else do it be worth it? Then at least whatever isn't done well enough wouldn't be my fault. True it wouldn't but it will always be something.
I don't like feeling this way. Not one bit. I'm shaky from the inside out, very anxious and feel sort of lost. I think this is what they describe as general malaise. I have no energy, not much turns my crank and my appetite is down to nothing. I eat because I have to not because I want to. Could the last couple of weeks be the reason? My daughters Bat Mitzvah and all the crap that my mom pulled, too much emotional turmoil in general from her combined with the start of summer (always anxiety provoking when the cottage is involved) along with my grandfather's death and the real capper, my friend's sudden death. Geez, when I lay it out like that it's no wonder at all that I feel the way I do. I guess it helps knowing that but it still doesn't answer the all important question; When does it end?
It would be too easy to blame it on her, but the truth is she has definitely played a roll in this one. She has become so toxic to me that it is literally making me sick. This weekend was horrendous. I could not relax at all out at the cottage, and she wasn't even there! She was ever-present in the back of my head though! Get out! Get out of my fucken head you bitch!! I clean something out there and I have to ask myself if this will pass her inspection knowing full well that regardless of what she says out loud she'll be thinking that it could have been better. Why do I even bother? Wouldn't the fucken $60.00 it would cost to have someone else do it be worth it? Then at least whatever isn't done well enough wouldn't be my fault. True it wouldn't but it will always be something.
I don't like feeling this way. Not one bit. I'm shaky from the inside out, very anxious and feel sort of lost. I think this is what they describe as general malaise. I have no energy, not much turns my crank and my appetite is down to nothing. I eat because I have to not because I want to. Could the last couple of weeks be the reason? My daughters Bat Mitzvah and all the crap that my mom pulled, too much emotional turmoil in general from her combined with the start of summer (always anxiety provoking when the cottage is involved) along with my grandfather's death and the real capper, my friend's sudden death. Geez, when I lay it out like that it's no wonder at all that I feel the way I do. I guess it helps knowing that but it still doesn't answer the all important question; When does it end?
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