On civility or lack thereof

I am disheartened and slow boiling over a conversation I had with my brother last night. And yet again I choose to come here and write instead of speaking this out loud. Mostly because I don't feel speaking out would do a damn thing except create more hard feelings.

It seems that my momzilla runs through all of us. A little background: we have been on a seven year house roller coaster that has required a great deal of work and energy and has had many turns, frustrations and huge disappointments. To say the least it has been a huge struggle to stay above all of the mess and continue moving forward. After all of this it looks like we have finally found and purchased a house that we all really like. I'll say up front that I never would have imagined that buying a new house would be so stressful and that it is not the exact type of house we thought we would buy but it truly is the house that we want and have fallen in love with. Good thing, because we have in fact bought it.

I had yet to tell anybody that we actually bought this house when my bother got a hold of me over the computer. We chat often and usually he has been supportive of me and the struggles I have gone through with mymomzilla. Lately he has given me the impression, real or imagined, that he's not so understanding any more; that he is actually tired of it all. And who could blame him; It has gone on for a long time. Regardless I thought that out of what is left of my family and knowing in detail what we have been going through in terms of housing that he would be a safe person to tell about this house. I even thought that he may find the humour that I do in the fact that this house is on the same street as our childhood home albeit several blocks north.

Well not only did he give me a hard time about the house itself and many of the elements within the house, (including the fact that it is a two storey, did we still want to be doing stairs as if we are getting too old? Hell we're only in our early to mid forties) he said some pretty awful shit too. I have tried to ignore his words but in my usual fashion have been slow boiling ever since our conversation. The first thing he felt he needed to point out was that I actually moved closer to mymomzilla. Although this is true and believe me I am very much aware of this, it was the way he put it and the fact that he felt it even necessary to mention at all that really irks me. This move has absolutely nothing to do with running away from her - that's more his MO. More on that one later. I don't give a fuck where she is in relation to my house to be perfectly honest. As long as she is no longer eating away at my soul she could be in hell for all I care. On the heels of that zinger he had to include that "at least two of us got away." Implying that at least he and my brother got away from this hell-hole and my momzilla.

More like ran away! He left when he was 16 to hitchhike across the country and essentially never came back which is why I didn't really know him until he moved back here about 20 some years ago. He has since ran back to BC and there he stays, chiding me for moving back to the old hood. My other brother also ran away at an early age and would drop in on occasion. He eventually got so messed up that he is now essentially one day away from being on the streets of Toronto and is a recovering heroin addict, and I use recovering loosely. And I get chided for staying in a city and neighbourhood that despite all that it represents I still really love. Who's the idiot here? At least I didn't run away. I know that wherever you go there you are so don't laugh at and cast aspersion on me for staying here. At least I didn't run away from mymomzilla. I stayed and for my own reasons having nothing to do with mymomzilla. In fact my life may have been a lot easier especially with respect to her if I had left this city.

What I really wonder about is civility. Why do people feel that they can say and do whatever they want? Why can't people truly have the decency to see beyond their own inhibitions and clouded perceptions to simply keep a civil tongue. To actually be genuinely happy for someone else despite what they may really think, especially when they know how much a struggle it has been for that someone to get where they have got to. To simply be happy for someone else despite what you may really feel could actually go a very long way in helping this world be a better place. I may think that someone's new house is really a shit hole but I would never say that to them. I would congratulate them on their new purchase, encourage them to truly enjoy and damn well keep my mouth shut about the rest.

I am so sick of hearing what an awful place this is from my brothers. One won't even come here anymore and when the other is here visiting all he can do is complain about how much he hates it here and how much he can't wait to get home. I know that he would be pissed if I dissed his home like that and wouldn't because of that, not that I want to. They have a lovely home and I am truly happy for them. So why isn't that kind of civility given to me? Especially when we all know that the only really awful part of here is mymomzilla and the eche that goes with her.

Keep your council, keep your council, keep your council. I keep having to remind myself to not be so open about things. Better to play it close to your chest rather than be an open book. To not keep ones council tends to open them up to this kind of belittling. Sad that buying a new house needs to be kept so as not to be belittled, questioned, and ultimately ridiculed.

That's life I guess.

Life sucks some times.

Even when it shouldn't.

Cheers.