Finally a quiet day.

I have finally had what I call a quiet day. I have not heard from her nor have I called her. I'll bet she is wishing I do so that she can tell me again how guilty she feels about my brother. Truth is I don't want to hear about it right now nor do I even want to think about it or her.

So therein lies the dilemma of this blog. That being that when things are okay with me the last thing that I want to think about or write about is her. That being said, it's a beautiful sunny day and I don't feel like being in front of the com any longer. I think I'll go outside and enjoy the sun for a change.

Could have been a lot worse. A few beer help too.

Well the dreaded event has come and gone and it could have been a lot worse than it was. She was a bit of a nut and very upset from her conversation with my eastern brother last night. Sounds like he laid it on pretty thick. Must be so nice to blame every one and every thing for all his problems and failures. This time round he aimed directly at my mom and surprisingly my dad blaming them for him not going to graduate school and becoming a prof. I don't remember the details that far back but he's as nuts as she is if he truly believes that he's never the reason for any of the shit that has befallen him. Truth is he's brought pretty much everything upon himself and has no one to blame for any of it except himself. Many people have been in his various spots and managed to pull themselves out of it. He couldn't and although I may not blame him entirely for not being able to, I do say he is the only one who could have and didn't.

So tonight he was the focus. Good for me; it's always better to have her fixated on someone else. Despite all this and herself I do think that we killed her with kindness and she sort of had a good time. The kids drew her pictures for her birthday and Sharon, god love her, had gone to the store and bought her a card, a birthstone bear keychain, a bejewelled turtle fridge magnet and a bag of scotch mints (something she shares with the girls all the time) to be from the girls and flowers from us. A couple of beers managed to loosen me up enough to not be anxious or sensitive to some of the usual crap that comes out of her mouth. She was all over the place at times being mad at my brother and or Sid to crying and worried about Sid who she thinks has pneumonia, and guilty about the crap that my brother foisted upon her last night. Here's a kicker: she told me that Sid couldn't take it anymore last night during this phone call and had to go and hide in his room. Afterwards he said he couldn't stand by and listen to the crap he puts her through. He should only know what crap she's put us through. Then he has the nerve to tell her that he's always helped him out by giving him money, but he could never understand why we weren't in constant contact with him and watching out for him. What the hell! What an asshole. Who is he to criticize anything. She then pointed out that she has never even considered buying one of his painting and how wrong that was. Be that right or wrong you can bet that he was the one who pointed that out to her. The Swartz curse lives on in them! Be afraid, very afraid.

Enough for me tonight. It went as well as it could have under all of the circumstances and for that I am grateful. She left sobbing about how it made her feel loved. That after telling me the other day that nobody but Sid cared about her and giving me many days of grief about her birthday. And I wonder why I'm fucked up. ;-)

Strike one

Well she was on the phone when I called so I left a very nice message saying Happy Birthday and asking if we were still on for this evening. We'll see where it goes from there. In the meantime I can't believe how much anxiety just trying to call her has created in me. I am literally shaking. It's not with fear but with well earned trepidation about speaking to her, especially on this day and this occasion, and after our last conversation. Why do I let that happen to me? Damn it!

I'll also bet that with anyone else she will be as pleasant as pie about her birthday. Truth is at one time I could have said that with certainty but not anymore. You see she used to be able to filter her crap only to those who were closest to her; after all it wouldn't be proper nor lady-like to lay that kind of bullshit on a stranger or mere acquaintance. These days she seems to be loosing her filter and does not care who she offends or pisses off. And she wonders why fewer and fewer people really do care about her.

I'll try again after getting my kid from school. Yeha!

The dreaded day.

I woke up this morning dreading this day; her birthday. She can't just play it straight on her birthday. No, instead she must make us jump through hoops almost as if to test our mettle or some dumb thing like that. It really is a no win situation. I have not talked to her yet today but will predict here and now that it will not go well unless I am able to eat a ton of shit and still suck it up enough to take the bitch out for dinner and pretend like I'm enjoying it. This after having to convince her that this is something we want to do and that it is not a burden to do so. She will lay all sorts of land mines and pitfalls for me to step into and will do everything in her power to get me to say that I don't want to take her out for her birthday so that she can blame me yet again for a lousy birthday. It's so fucking infantile. The push me - pull me passive aggressive shit that she is so good at. There is no winning in this situation. That is my prediction and I'm sticking to it.

I just hope I can keep my cool and not blow the damn thing wide open by getting angry and spewing at her all the things that I want to say but know that I would be wasting my breath saying. At the same time saying them would only create a worse, if you can believe that, situation than I have now. The insidious part is that I haven't even spoken to her today and already I am running through all the awful possible scenarios in my head. I have imagined very clearly what I want to or think should be said to her regarding just this; her birthday. I want to tell her that she must stop playing these games with her birthday and that she should mean what she says and if she really means that she doesn't want to celebrate it than we should just fucking ignore it without consequence. It's the fucking game playing that drives me insane. If I were to say that fine we are not going to celebrate her birthday as per her wishes it would come back on me as not caring about her. If I force her to celebrate than I made her do something that she didn't want to do. Hmmm. Feels like being between a rock and .. well ... a crazy bitch. I think I'll choose the rock.

I'll keep you posted as I inch toward actually speaking to her.

So far so good.

Well so far today I have been mostly able to keep her and her evil thoughts out of my head. It has not been easy, I'll tell you. That's the most insidious thing about it; I can't seem to get her and her craziness out my head even when she is not around or calling or anything. She has infused herself in my head like a cancer and it takes a lot of energy to either get her out entirely or to at least forget about her for a while.

The good news is that, for today at least, I have been able to go for stretches of time where she does not come into my thoughts at all. So far, today is a good day. Maybe she won't call or anything and today will end up being a great day!

One can only hope.

Jab, jab cross.

Minutes before we were set to leave for dinner at the in-laws the phone rings. Why is that I know it's her before the phone is even answered? Must be my Spidey senses! Sensing that it's her, from upstairs I ask that it not be answered. Busted! Ellie did not hear me and answered it after one ring. D'oah!!

JAB:
She wants to know when she can deliver her money to me. We discuss this and then she goes on about my brother in TO and his friend who wants to help him. How his friend does not think that sending him any money right now is a good idea. In her words, "well it's not up to him." Then she slags the guy again by questioning his motives and whether or not she should trust him. Eventually she asks me if I would call him and have a conversation with him to make sure that she is getting it straight. Fine by me. She wants this because she's so confused between what he says, what I say and what her loser bother Sid says about my brother. I question "Sid?" and she says "ya Sid and you better not say anything about that." I say ya I better not. At this point she goes into her poor me shit by telling me "He's looking out for my interests. He's the only one who cares about me." I tell her that's just bullshit and that lots of people care about her. "Oh you and 'my other brother'" is her response. I ask what she supposed to mean by that and get her pat answer of "Oh never mind." So I never mind.

JAB:
In the way that only she can, out of the blue she says something to the effect of "Well maybe we shouldn't go out for dinner on Thursday." I tell her that it's her birthday and that we want to celebrate it with her but that I'm not going to force her to celebrate her own birthday." Same old birthday shit. God I'm so sick of it. She goes on to tell me that she doesn't want to be a burden. I tell her that nobody thinks she's a burden. She says she's knows but that is just the way she feels and she can't help it. I reply that there isn't anything that I can do about that and that she is in fact the ONLY one who can control how she feels. Then she says that Sid was asking about her birthday. So I ask her if she'd rather go with him to which she says "oh no, he's taking me out for dinner on Friday." So I ask her if she doesn't feel like she's burdening him to which she replies "Oh no, not at all" Unreal. There is no way to respond to that so I don't.

CROSS and knock out:
The cross comes when she then demands to know if I've found a new doctor yet. In her snarky voice she demands again to know if and if not, why I haven't called my GP yet. I try to tell her as nicely as I can that I'm on it and that I am in touch with people who have better access to therapists than my GP. Not wanting to continue talking with her I tell her to think about Thursday and to let me know what she wants. She in turn insists that it's not up to her but up to me and how I'm feeling being sick and all. It's all becoming clear now. She will say and do what she wants to me now and any kind of questioning, or frustration, or anger on my part will all be chalked up to my illness. So now anything that I may take issue with will just be me and my out-of-control illness and my inability to cope. Hmmm.

Thanks so much for the unconditional support, you bitch!! Only you would use it against me.

Too early....

She tried to call me at 9:20 this morning. Why can't she just leave me the fuck alone? It was her rules she drummed into me as a kid; never phone anyone before 10:30 AM or after 10:30 PM. I had that rule whipped into me as a kid so why does she get to ignore it? Typical. Not that I would be any happier if she called me after 10:30. I plain and simply don't want to talk to her.

It's the same old same old crap. She's going to tell me that she's phoning because she is so worried about me. Now that may sound like a good caring thing to do, but with her its loaded with all sorts of land mines and pitfalls. You see, if history has taught me anything it has taught me that she is already internalizing my strife and making it hers and about her and it will be all my fault. I make her worry. I'm not well so she has to own it and wear it. Fuck off already. Go take care of yourself and quit eating at me. At the same time as telling me all of that she will not really be interested in how I may be really doing, simply wanting to assuage her own crap, be it guilt or whatever. Well I don't want to hear it. And to see her number come up first thing in the morning just gives me a shitty start to my day.

I know I need to do what I have to to not let her affect me so. That's my job and I will do it. I start by spewing stuff here and then go on and have as good a day as possible despite her.

Wish me luck!

Money is not the answer.

Get this. A few hours after our last conversation she calls me again. She tells me that she is uncomfortable with our conversation earlier. I ask her how so? She tells me again that she didn't know I was feeling down and that I should have told her outright because, and this is one of her favourite lines, "I'm not a mind reader." She loves that one. I tell her that it's not something I go around broadcasting. "Well you should have told me, I'm still your mother." I repeat over and over throughout the conversation that all I needed was for people not to lay negative shit on me. That it wasn't just her but everyone and she shouldn't have made it about her and/or taken it personally. After saying all this she asks me how it has manifested itself. I tell her again that I can't deal with negative crap and that kind of stuff is getting into my head and messing with me. How many times do I have to tell her that? She then tells me how worried she is about my brother in TO and that she's not convinced that his friend doesn't have an ulterior motive. I ask why she has to think that everyone has a hidden agenda and that if he wants to help my brother all the power to him. I tell her that if he can do it great because the only two people who could have done it are not here anymore. Of course she didn't get who I was talking about so I had to tell her that it was my Dad and my brothers best friend Laird, both of whom have passed away.

She then asks me to get a hold of my other brother and get his banking information. An odd request I figure and I ask what that's all about. She has decided to throw us each some money as if that's the answer to all of our problems! Now don't get me wrong; I can always use some extra dough and am always grateful for anything she or anybody else gives me but it is certainly not the answer to my problems. Hmmm, maybe it is; I'll use it to pay for therapy! LOL It's the least she could pay for, after all these years of verbal and mental abuse.

Man life sucks sometimes. It's a remarkably lucky thing that I have so much to live for other than her. My wife is truly remarkable in her ability to understand and support me. My kids are marvellous and make each day worth it. That despite their kid-like trials and tribulations. Well tomorrow is another day. Yeha.

Deaf as welll as dumb....

The bitch is as deaf as she is dumb! While speaking with her today she tells me about my brother in Toronto and his friend who wants to try and straighten him out. This after the precursor of "I know you don't want to hear anything negative from me but I have to tell you about this long conversation I had the other night." No problem for me. I told her that I also spoke to my brother and that he was going to have to get out of his latest jam on his own. The conversation progressed to the cottage and what I was able to accomplish out there this past weekend despite the rain and over-saturated grounds. She then tells me that the only reason she does any upgrades is because of the renters, because they "pay the big bucks to be there." Bitch. You can bet that one was a contrived shot. Either way I responded that it wasn't the reason I do it. To which she responded "Oh you'll never agree with me about anything." I wonder what she is talking about and where that came from and she tells me to forget it. I refuse and tell her that she can't just lay that one out there and not be prepared to talk about it. So she says something lame like "if I say white you say black." Not true but oh well.

I ask her if she has any idea where I come from or what's going on with me. She says no. So I finally lose it enough to tell her that I have been fighting a major depression for the last couple of weeks. "Well I didn't know that!" I said to her that I had told her that I couldn't deal with anything negative right now and that should have been enough. That she shouldn't have taken that personally as it had nothing to do with her. After asking me if I had seen my doctor I told her that I was working on that and that this is a battle I wage every day and that this time it was getting the better of me but that I was fighting the fight which was why I had asked everyone to not load me up with negative thought.

Now here's the kicker. After, in only a tone she can speak in, saying "Well I'm sorry to hear that you're sick but you don't tell me anything" she asks me what I think brought it on. I respond by saying that I wasn't sure but it was a difficult last couple of weeks. She says "Oh you mean your friend dying?" again in a loathsome voice. I said yah that probably had something to do with it but I wasn't sure for sure. All of the sudden she starts telling my about another 40 something young woman who passed away in her sleep this past weekend. She then goes into dirt about the shual and it's demands for a burial to occur. All quite sad and sickening and I tell her that I can't deal with that right now. That I have to go. She of course gets all ruffled and put off by that. Too fucking bad!

So what is the point of all this? I don't know, just spewing and such. Truth is this is just one more example of her inability to hear anyone else! One more example of how evil she can truly be. I need help and I am seeking it out as we speak. More later.

Stupid bitch.

Try as I might not to have negative thoughts and feel down I can't help but feel it when I find that the dumb bitch didn't get it when I told her that I COULDN'T deal with any negative shit. She in fact took it personally, as I feared she would, and cried to my brother yesterday that I don't want to talk to her anymore. That by saying that I couldn't hear anything negative from her or anyone else I was really saying I didn't want to hear anything she had to say and therefore didn't want to talk to her and don't care about her. Give me a fucking break!

How pathetically sad and disappointing it is when a son has to remind his fucking mother that he has clinical depression that sometimes rears it's ugly head and that I do what I can on a regular basis to keep it at bay. That despite my best efforts it sometimes bubbles to the surface and messes me up! Dumb bitch. It's always all about her. I'm getting so sick of waking up and having her and her evilness be one of the first things that pops into my head. I can't live like that and will not live like that. That being said I have to find a way to do it. So far I have not been at all successful and its killing me. Slowly and excruciatingly painfully.

Worse yet it's her birthday on Thursday which means I'm going to have to do the horrendous yearly birthday dance with her. She will tell me over and over that she doesn't want anything done for her birthday and then punish me if we don't force her out for dinner or something like that. More on that as it unfolds.

Fuck I hate her sometimes. And I haven't even spoken to her yet today!