A wing and a prayer!

Well it's the long weekend and thus far I am here in the city, being extremely trepidatious about walking into the lion's den that is our cottage. After speaking to my mom who is now firmly entrenched out there I am more-so trepidatious. Seems that last night her and her loser brother were to have dinner at the other brother's cottage next door. As they were walking there they encountered a neighbour from two doors down who started asking my mom about our renters and if they told her about what the pump out guy had threatened.

He had threatened to report us to the Dept. of Environment because of our poorly functioning field etc. This of course sent her into a tizzy. It also sent loser brother into a tirade about how she has got to sell it because no one can afford the upkeep and cottages take up keep and we can't do it. That we should sell both cottages and lots together and get tons of cash while the new owner tears down both and builds a new beautiful palace. Fuck him! And that's what I told her. It was none of his fucking business and he has no right telling anyone what to do. Sour grapes because he was dumb enough to sell his when he really didn't have to and now he is the only one with out. Poor loser, it still doesn't give him the right to bring everyone around him down with him. She claims to have told him that she was not selling, of course adding a yet to that statement later on in the conversation. In the meantime all of this made me very angry and thinking yet again that I would be a complete fool to go anywhere near there. I can't handle dealing with any of this right now. I can't and I a won't. So why would I even go near there.

My true hope was that I could put all of this crap out of the way for just three lousy days and get my family out to the lake for the long weekend. That I could make her unimportant and irrelevant enough for three lousy days and thus be able to relax for a change. Now I'm not so sure. She has yet again turned the tables and made it about her and how this has upset her so. Screw it! Surely I can suck it up enough to be out there for a short period of time. We are going to go after dinner tonight and come home no later than Monday afternoon. I will not discuss any of this crap while I'm there and will do whatever I can to avoid any kind of baited discussions. In fact I will busy myself with my family to the point where I needn't worry about her. Keep your fingers crossed because the real truth here is that we are totally going on a wing and prayer that all will go well and we all will come out of this weekend unscathed.

Fighting the fight again

It's been nine years since I felt this messed up and I hate it. I was able to speak to my doc yesterday and she told me to go back to my regular dose of meds. I'm fine with that but am worried that it will mess me up for the time being; jumping all over the place with my dosage. I'm also worried that what little benefit I had from doubling the dose will also be gone. Time will tell.

This weekend is the long weekend and as much as we want to be at the lake I am very trepidatious about going with her there. I finally spoke to her this morning. She is all worried about me and concerned. Still it comes back to her with her asking things like "is it because I'm here that you're not?" or "would you be more comfortable here if I went home for the weekend?" I tried to tell her that I didn't want that and that if I came I wanted it to be as normal as possible and that I needed to just be able to relax; something I have yet to be able to do comfortably. I suppose in the grand scheme of things it was not a bad call but again it was as much about her and how she is worried about me, and how she hopes she is not the cause of this and how she just wants me to be okay. I appreciate the sentiments but tried to let her know that what I was going through was about me and how I let things effect me. Maybe not in those words but the message was pretty much the same.

Of course, at this stage I would be much more comfortable there if she was not, BUT, I will never take her up on that offer knowing that when she is feeling less benevolent it will come back and bite me in the ass. Not to mention that I am not going to be the one responsible for sending her home from her own cottage. I'd never hear the end of that one. My honest hope is that I can get it up enough to go this weekend and have it all work out just fine. Okay, quit laughing. a guy can dream can't he?

Fuck the cottage!

Well it didn't take long for things to return to what has become "normal" with her. After virtually hanging up on me the other day she called this morning to say that she is going to try and go to the lake today. I told her I thought that was great. I also told her that I was having some rough spells and that I was sorry that I couldn't help her more. She brushed over that and told me that she was hoping that the renter had left the place clean because she could not get her cleaning lady at all. Seems that if you don't use this woman regularly then she has no time for you. I was then told that next year she'll have to make other arrangements because this isn't working for her. That she'll have to beg her cleaning lady to come back to her with the promise of regular use. Seems that if I say no once in five years this is what I get. So much for her not caring about that place and telling me that I can do what I want with it. I imagine that this will be the first of many calls from her today as she arrives and finds things that are not up to her standards or whatever. Well to bad. I can't help you today, deal with it. She ended the call by saying, in her sarcastic tone, that she hoped I felt better and that she would talk to me some time, click. Oddly enough I really didn't feel all that upset when I got off the phone with her.

She has no idea what I am going through right now and I have no desire to try and enlighten her. Hell I have no idea what's happening to me. For several days now I have felt like I am going to crawl out of my skin. It is driving me crazy. I can only attribute it to the increased dosage in my meds and hope to hang on long enough for things to level out. I think that because I was more physically active and high most of the time on vacation that this didn't seem to present itself as it has since being home. I can't counter this with more drugs. That just seems counter productive but I have to find a solution and quickly. My wife goes back to work tomorrow leaving me with the kids and whatever work comes my way. How the hell am I going to deal? I'll just have to suck it up and do my best. I hate what is happening to me. I hate what it is doing to my wife. She is always worried about me now and it is making her very sad to see me and those around me, especially her, having to go through this again. She does not deserve to go through this again. I hate that this is happening to me and just want to be healthy, happy and content. Why can't I be that? As far as I can tell I have very little preventing me from being all of those and yet I can't seem to get there, and yet I need to as I can't continue like this.