If the shoe fits....

I found this quote the other day and it immediately made me think of mymomzilla and why it is so important to have distance if not total Non-contact. (Of course I'm not trying to imply that mymomzilla is a pig but if the shoe fits...)

"I learned long ago never to wrestle with a pig.
You get dirty and, besides, the pig likes it."
- George Bernard Shaw

TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic

Fit to be tied

I decided to take a break from this blog a couple of days ago in the hope that it may be one way that I might stop thinking about all this crap for a while. Unfortunately it has not worked and I still find myself mired down in negative thoughts and feelings. For the love of god will this ever end? I would give anything, anything for this to stop. To be able to turn off my brain if just for a bit. So far I have not been able to ingest enough or the right kind of drugs to put this right out of my head. It can numb things for a bit but I have yet to truly feel free of this for far too long. Not to mention that I know very well that drugs are not going to be the answer here.

So drugs are out, the truth seems only to get me in deeper and has not set me free as some would suggest it might do. I can't run away because wherever I go there I am. A lobotamy would be worse than death, albeit a solution to all this. Babble babble babble. I have been told by my therapist that I am a good person who has tried and tried and tried again to deal with this in a more productive and positive way. She says that I should feel proud of the efforts I have made in trying to make this work; that I have worked very hard and in fact was a very good son to this evil woman. So why then do I feel like a failure? Like a total loser? The truth is that although it would be very easy to blame this on her, despite her input here this one is on me. I have to let go and learn to feel good again. I have to stop letting this get to me. I have to start feeling like I am okay again. Only I can do that for me. Sadly it's been so long since I felt that way that I'm not sure I can even get back there again. When I think of this it makes me angry. The truth is that this, mymomzilla, is the only thing in my life that is causing these feelings. Other wise things would be pretty good right now.

Maybe the only thing that can actually make this remotely better is time. Time away from her. Time to forget all of this. Time to fix myself. Here's hoping that I actually have the time, fortitude and strength to wait this one out.

TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic

Saturday morning and still as confused and fucked up as ever!

This was a reply to one of my posts elsewhere:

While reading his message (what my uncle said to me), all I could think was Why wasn't anyone saying this to your mother when you were growing up? Where was your advocate to say, this is your child, you don't treat children like that?

I have asked myself this question many times. As much as I loved and respected my father he was her true enabler always making excuses for her behaviour rather than confronting her on it and telling her it was unacceptable. I along with my brothers believe that she and her unending crap is what eventualy led to his early death. He couldn't take it anymore and was not of the ilk to believe in divorce so he just gave up life. I'll be damned if I'm going to allow that to happen to me. The truth is her nasty behaviour with me only escalated with my father's death as she simply replaced him with me as her closest and number one target.

My biggest roadblock right now, other than myself, is what to do about my kids. They still truly love their grandmother and want to have some sort of relationship with her. Am I nuts for even considering it? Do I give them that, knowing that they will get some of her crap and will have to come to their own conclusions about it and her? Or do I cut them off as well. The truth is that I can't really go total NC if I am to have my girls involved with her.

All the while I am futher and more deeply saddened and angered by the impact this is all having on me, my immediate family and especially my wife. At the same time that all this shit is going on my wife is on the verge of huge career advancements of which I am so totally proud of and she shold be celebrating these accomplishments when instead she is constantly worried about me and the toll this is taking on all of us.

It is truly insidious that this should be so pervasive and all encompassing. Damn her for doing this even if she won't admit it. Damn me for allowing it to effect us in the ways that it does.

Sometimes I just feel like a broken useless piece of shit and it's all because I can't seem to handle my mother. Am I less than because of this? Am I overreacting to her shit and just need to suck it up? Why does she effect me so? Why do I let her? Other people seem to make their way in the world just fine. Is she so bad that I am now too messed up to be in this world with her? Then I get angry. I know she is the problem and don't care if others can see it or not. I know that she has effected me in terrible ways. I know all this and yet I still can't stop the feeling that I am to blame for this. That I have not done enough to make this right.To make this work. Am I an idiot or what! Damn her and her brother to hell. May they enjoy their mutual shit to the end of eternity.

TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic

to unclezilla...

As this is the place where I write things that probably should not be said out loud but probably also need to be said out loud I have a few things that I need to say to uncle. Saying them to him would accomplish nothing although it may feel very good. I am hoping that this will suffice.

1) Your opinion and supposed lack of respect for me would mean something if some time ago I hadn't lost total and complete respect for you. And that's not saying little as at one time you were my most respected and admired uncle. Now you are no better than my mom except for the fact that you still seem to know how to experience joy. But then again you are younger than her. Just you wait.

2) You are the same person who is twice divorced thrice if you count common law and has not been able to carry a meaningful relationship for any significant amount of time. Not a very good track record for someone who is dishing out advice on how I should treat someone.

3) All of your children have moved away from you, and two have vowed never to have children of their own. Hmmm. And you were such a good parent that you can comment on me and my relationship with my so called parent.

4) You have the "rage" in you. You are after all from the same father so you share the rage and it boils within. Don't forget that I have on many occasion seen and felt the rath of your rage. Culminating with your physically attacking me. You, your father and your sister, you're all bullies. You don't care about being mean and insolent. You have the rage. Sadly, so do I. But my goal is to acknowledge it and fight it so that it ends here and is not passed on again.

5) "She's all alone and she's your mother..." Hmmm why do you think that is ya dumb fuck? Very few people can tolerate her. So you can divorce a bunch of women, whom by the way you chose, nice going there, but I can't divorce my toxic mother because I didn't choose her? I don't think so.

Fill in the blank ya dumb fuck:

I love my ______________ (wife/mother) and always will, but heartbreakingly we are like oil and water and I can no longer, for my own well being, have any kind of contact with her. It invokes too much rage and anger and is simply unhealthy for me.

Fill it in with wife and somehow it's acceptable. Fill it in with mother and I am a terrible, terrible son not deserving of anyone's respect.

What an ass you are. You don't have a fucking clue. Now hopefully you will do as you said you would and NEVER contact me again. And on and on it goes.

TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic

Some responses to this post elsewhere

"Why do they never consider the other side of the story ? Its always they are alone oohhh poooorr N

She isnt alone she has uncle doesnt she ..............

I am so sorry"

"And I don’t want to get in to what goes on between you and your mother.
But he is going to anyway....

All I know is that she’s your mother and you just can’t treat her like that.

But she can treat you like shit? People will say this to you all the time because they don't understand narcissism. Motherhood doesn't grant them the right to abuse you. Guess what, you get to to have your own life! Take it. If that means being the "world's worst child" then do it. Don't worry. You're not. When I stopped talking to my NM she told me that her THERAPIST thought I was the worst daughter and couldn't believe what I was doing (which was a lie).

I mean I don’t know what your problem is.

Yeah, you do. She's your sister.


Ah what’s gone on and what’s gone down and whatever is and whatever has happened she’s still your mother and she’s all alone and she’s got nobody else and I have absolutely no respect for you at all for treating her the way you’re treating her.

Gee, is there a meal on this guilt trip? If she's got nobody else than that's HER fault. Of course he is going to believe that about you because he has only heard ONE side of the story.

And you might have your reasons and I don’t discount that and your… my sister is not the easiest to get along with but she’s still your mother and it’s terrible to treat her that way.

Again, but she can treat you anyway she wants? I don't think so.

That’s all I have to say and I won’t interfere and you’ll never hear from me again and that’s the end of it.

Yea!! Do a happy dance....although we both know that's a lie. He'll call again. They always do.

You gotta live your life and you do it the way you see fit but she’s your mother Steven and you’ve only got one and you only ever will have one and no matter what she’s done and how she is she’s still your mother and she’s all alone and she’s got no body and it’s just terrible, terrible the way you treat her. And that’s all I have to say.

It's a manipulation tactic. Emotional Blackmail (which is a great book btw). Are you terrible? Well, I don't know you, but I would take his opinion on it. He's decided and taken action after hearing only one side of the story. I hope he doesn't hurt himself jumping to those conclusions.

You are going to feel guilty. That's natural. You feel an obligation to the woman because she is your mother. But separate the mother from the narcisstic woman. It's not your mother that you are rejecting--it's the woman. You have a right and an obligation to take care of yourself first. That means NC sometimes.

You have no obligation to take care of your mother if you can't afford it. Mentally, emotionally, you have set limits. That's okay. People won't understand it. But that doesn't make it wrong."

"can't believe how similar our stories are. When I went NC with my Nmom, her sister, my nasty aunt sent me a letter saying "I don't know what is between you and your mother and I don't want to know, but she's your mother, blah, blah, blah..."

That about sums it up. In other words, I don't care what the disagreement was about, she is right and you are wrong. I was soo angry at the balls of my aunt to write to me. Then I thought about how crappy she treated me my whole childhood and I realized who needs her? Who cares what her opinion is? So I never contacted her again. NC with both of them. They can keep each other (miserable) company. When we engage, we enrage and they're just not worth it.

Eventually, if we keep the NC, they do go away."

Seems I'm not alone in my experiences with the likes of mymomzilla. Not sure how I feel about that.

TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic

Unclezilla chimes in

I received this wonderful diatribe on my message machine yesterday. It's from my uncle - NM's brother who himself has three grown children two of which have sworn to never have children of their own. This is also the same uncle who physically attacked me a couple of summers ago for telling him then to go and mind his own business. Seems he hasn't got the message. Good thing I'd lost total and complete respect for him long ago or I might take this peronally. Here what he has to say:

“Hey Ross this is Unclezilla, ah, I just want you to listen to what I have to say. And I don’t want to get in to what goes on between you and your mother. All I know is that she’s your mother and you just can’t treat her like that. I mean I don’t know what your problem is. Ah what’s gone on and what’s gone down and whatever is and whatever has happened she’s still your mother and she’s all alone and she’s got nobody else and I have absolutely no respect for you at all for treating her the way you’re treating her. And you might have your reasons and I don’t discount that and your… my sister is not the easiest to get along with but she’s still your mother and it’s terrible to treat her that way. That’s all I have to say and I won’t interfere and you’ll never hear from me again and that’s the end of it. You gotta live your life and you do it the way you see fit but she’s your mother Ross and you’ve only got one and you only ever will have one and no matter what she’s done and how she is she’s still your mother and she’s all alone and she’s got no body and it’s just terrible, terrible the way you treat her. And that’s all I have to say. Goodbye”

Initially I wanted to respond to him. He is down south for the winter so it would have had to be by either phone or E-mail. I chose neither opting instead not to dignify this with any kind of response at all. Do I care if he thiks less of me? Do I care if he's lost respect for me? He never had any for me nor showed me any to begin with. In fact the last time I pissed him off he physically attacked me. So to him I say PISS OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE AS PROMISED. You like her so much you go take care of her and see if you survive!

In fact I feel like I am treating her as best as I possibly could under these circumstances. I'm being fair but firm, as honest as I can be with her. She can't handle any really deep meaningful honesty and would get even more hurt by it no matter how it was presented. I am not presenting any of this in a nasty tone. I have not given her the nasty albeit honest and acurate diatribe that has run in my head for many years. Really all I've done thus far is distance myself from her. Period. I didn't contact her for nearly three months for a reason. I never let the phone go unanswered if it was her but I needed to be able to not call her. The calls could always turn ugly and often did. I would get off feeling beat on and shaken. A single call often stymied my work producton and left me feeling awful and useless. The truth is that I am trying to treat her with some dignity by not getting into it with her while at the same time getting myself out of harms way. And don't kid yourself. having her in my life puts me in great danger. I can not allow for her to invoke such anger in me. I will snap under those conditions. So the bottom line is she should be incredibly thankful that I am not treating her anywhere near the way she is treatiing me.

I really hate this shit and want it to end. It becomes truly exhausting.

TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic

The shoe falls

It has been quite a while between posts. Since my last post I went NC (no contact) with mymomzilla. I think it was for the best as I had been feeling better albeit a bit stressed about how this would all shake out. One of the biggest problems dealing with her is that one caqn't be honest. Knowing that I never told her that I was going non contact I simply stopped calling. Especially after yet again being told that she could care less if she ever heard from me again.

Well she called a couple of weeks ago to make arangemets to see my kids. Fine although I am uneasy about it I do not want to stand in the way of them having some sort of relationship with her. Then she calls today, this time to ask me if I'm ever going to call her again. Well here we go. Do I lie and tell her some bullshit or just "run to trouble" as my wife likes to say and be honest. So I tell her that it's up to her and how she treats me. She is aghast and does not know what I'm talking about. What do you mean it's up to me? She asks. I tell her that our interactions in the last longest while were getting so bad that I had to back off. That the last time that I talked to her she told me that she could care less if she ever heard from me again. She adamantly denied ever saying such a thing. She started to weep and tell how no matter how much I hurt her and no matter what I say or do to her she will always have unconditional love for me. I have to stop myself from gagging as my response. Then she starts going on about how if this is the way I want it she needs to know so that she can make some changes. Starting with getting keys back from me and re-writing her will. That's how unconditional her love is. She goes on and on about how completley baffled she is about any of this and can't for the life of her figure out what she could have done or said to me to make me feel this way. So I ask her if she is prepared to take any responsiblilty for where we are at and she adamantly refuses. The conversation goes on and on in circles with me saying several times that Iw as not going to do this any more. I told her that I knew she would not change and that was why I felt I had to make changes. She sobs on about what others would think if they ever heard that her son who lives in the same city as her has not talked to her in three months. I said that I really didn't care about what anybody else thoought and that those in the know would understand. Again with endless "I don't what I could have done to make you feel this way. You have hurt me so baddly you have no idea." I tell her that I neve had any intention of hurting her and was sorry if she was hurting but that she had hurt me too. Again she was aghast and clueless about what I was talking about asking "how, how have I hurt you?" Hmmm where do I begin. I tell that the way she talks te me and the way she treats me in general was not very good. She demanded examples at which point I said that I would not do this, going tit for tat over examples and that if that was what she wanted she wasn't going to get it. So then she asks me if this includes my kids, that maybe she should stop seeing my kids. I tell that this is between me and her and does not include the kids. She then makes a comment about not hearing from them. I ask her why she never called them, pointing out that they are children and that she is the adult. "Well I don't call anybody, that's my problem." she says. I agree with her that that is a problem when she expects children to create and maintain a telephone relationship with her. On and on and all the while I'm thinking this is going to get me knowhere except upset and that I should just get off the phoned. Eventually I say that If she wants to keep digging for details and exact moments that I would have to get off the phone. So she agreed and told me to get off the phone then. So I tell her that it's up to her how she treats me and that that is her choice to make and I say good bye.

New ploy: Not long after her initial call she called me again to say that she has no idea what she has done or said but if I have to hear that she is sorry then she will say that she is sorry. That having said that, it's now up to me and then she said that she had to get off the phone. In other words I refuse to take any form of responsibility here but I am going to say one of the few things that would, at least in my mind, put the ball back in your court instead of mine. Now if we can' fix it it's your fault not mine. Cie la vie the games will never end which is why I am so reticent to even consider accepting her apology. How can I even think of that when she won't even aknowledge having any responsibility at all here? It's easy to apologize when you aren't really apologizing for anything because you refuse to admit that you have done anything in the first place. A hollow apology or am I just being too synical?

Through it all I have had a sad sense of calm. Sad because I am calm in thinking that I am doing the right thing for me and my well being. That this will probably mean the complete end of my relationship with her and that this is for the best.

TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic

Tired. NC or no NC

I have thought many times about NC. (No Contact) At times I am there and quite ready to make that break once and for all. Then time will go by and I'll cool down and before I know it I'm thinking that I can handle the occasional contact. We all know where it goes from there.

Part of it is some pathetic and bizarre feeling of guilt. I don't want to lower myself to her level and hurt her the way she has done to myself and others. NC would do that to her, I think. She's sort of the same as the damn cottage... if I could just hold on until she is gone. Ha! With her family history and my bad luck that won't be for another 25 years! Despite being as bad if not worse than she is, her father lived to 99! Sometimes I think it was just to torture the rest of us. I shouldn't say 'us' as I did go NC with him years before he passed.

My therapist is convinced that I am not there yet, but due to her being out of town it will have been three weeks between visits when I see her next Tuesday. Much has happened in those three weeks and I find myself closer now than ever before. I sure am hating her these days and am feeling like if I see her again it will be all to soon.

More than that though I am tired of feeling this way. Tired of wasting all this energy on this negative bullshit. Tired of anyone who is trying to have a negative impact on my life. Tired of all the assholes in this world. There are far too many of them out there; all thinking that they are more entitled than anyone else and as such don't need to give a damn about you or anyone other than themselves.

TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic

Why not buy the place?

Someone asked me if I/we had considered buying the place out from under her? At this point the issue is not the physical cottage nor the monetary value. I don't care about any of that so much. What hurts and angers me so is the way in which I am being treated and this, the cottage sit, is simply the icing on the cake. It is being done out of spite and vengence and she obviously will stop at nothing to get at those that are supposed to be closest to her. Well if I am to be treated this way then I say screw her and anybody who is sympathetic to this miserable despicable excuse for a human being let alone a mother.

We have thought about buying it but the truth be told at this time it would be financially irresponsible for me to do so. As I speak, our house, which we had planned to sell so that we could move into a bigger one, is falling apart with major structural damage due to a very dry summer. Long story short it is worthless to sell and quotes for repair are starting at 25,000.00 and going up, way up from there. Although we have the equity built up to probably cover the purchase cost, that money really should go to dealing with our primary residence before I sink it into a summer cottage. Besides, she has tainted that place so badly that I don't even want it anymore. Still, it would be sweet to do it just to screw her. In the meantime I am still expected to go and close it up for the winter for her. I was planning to go tomorrow and am felling very bitter about that. Why should I care especially if it's going to be sold. The only reason I am considering doing it is out of respect for my dad. I've been told to take what is rightfully mine out of the place while I'm at it. Awfully generous of her don't you think!

TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic

Loosing the battle against anger

Mymomzilla is spiralling out of control and it is making me so angry I feel like I am not fit to be in public. Other than complete no contact is there a way to not get so damn angry? Everything she is doing seems to be to punish us. She is destroying much of what is dear to our family and trying to stop her only puts one in harms way. How many times does she expect me to hear from her mouth that she does not care whether she hears from me or my brothers ever again before it becomes a reality?

I don't know why I even bother trying to hold on. Since my dad died I have been her target and part of that has been her threatening me, much like she did for years with my father, to sell the family cottage. This was the most special place on earth for my dad and in many ways still is for me and my brothers and our kids. To her it was a source of control and manipulation. Now she is defintely going to sell it. Mostly to punish us for what she says is our poor treatment of her. That, by the way consists of me distancing myself from her and not reacting to her every dig and volley. My other two brothers live in different cities so they are spared much of this. She tries to cast some of this to them as my fault. They know better; why else do you think they live elsewhere?

I fight every day to keep my anger and distain for her from seeping into my day to day life. It's fucking exhausting! I find her and her treatment of us despicable. She has no idea what kind of implications going through with this sale will have nor how far reaching the effects of this decision will be. Perhaps selling the place, as much as it will break my heart will actually be good. I'm hoping that it will set me free rather than embitter me to her even more. If that's even possible. Truth is that it must set me free as I can not stomach any more anger. I need this to end.

TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic

Fighting anger.

My day has gone downhill since waking up and I find myself getting more and more angry. Sadly I feel llike I have much to be angry about although I also know that there is nothing to be gained in my anger. Despite that I feel anger and it is growing by the moment.

I'm most angry at her, mymomzilla. I have had no contact with her for two weeks except to leave a message on her answering machine and she reciprocating with he typical angry response which I chose not to answer. Now I sit here trying to muster up the energy not to mention desire to call her back. I truly no longer have any desire to speak with her as I know that it will be awful and unpleasant. The problem with people like her is that the more I withdraw from her clutches the more she lashes out. Be it at me or anyone who will listen she is certainly lashing out and it is spiralling into a more and more nasty attack. I'm tired of it. Tired of trying to anticipate what is coming next. Tired of having her invade my thoughts at any given moment. Tired of anticiating her hurtful attacks. Fuck her for she is a despicable person.

I'm also thinking about giving up on my weekday hockey game. There are a couple of real ass-holes who play on these days. They are much better hockey players than I and total ass-holes about that. They are the type who have yet to get past and accept their own shortcomings and thus find it necessarry to belittle others to make themselves feel better. It would seem that they have decided that I am to be their target. I am not too affected by this as I really could care less if they do or do not like me. Hell they don't even know me. Nor do I particularly care what they think of me as a hockey player. BUT I will not put up with being treated like an ass-hole by a couple of true ass-holes. It got me so angry the other day that I truly had to hold back from punching one of them in the face and he was actually playing on my team! Still he was in my face about something rediculuos and would not let go of it, nattering incensently about it and being a total ass hole the whole while. I will not be treated like a fucking door matt. Screw that. What perplexes me is the fact that my feelings of anger with regards to this have lingered and in some ways grown. I think about smashing these fucks in the face. I think about beating them so bad that they can't get up. I think of belittling them in front of their friends to the point of complete embarassment. My whole life I have let fucks like this do this to me and rarely have I stood up for myself. Well I'm done not standing up to these fucks. I told one of them to fuck off the other day but am now worried that next time I won't be able to stop there and will either get my head kicked in or do some serious damage to him. Either way is, of course, not good nor is it a solution to what I deal with on a daily basis. You must admit that it would feel good though. I also fight the thinking that if I quit they win! I can't let them do that but if playing is going to make me feel misserable and angry all of the time then it's not worth playing with these guys at all. I tuly love playing for the fun and enjoyment of it not to mention the exercise. These guys are taking that enjoyment away and that makes me so damn angry. Who are these fucks to take that away from me? I know I'm not as good but who the fuck cares. You want to laugh at my mistakes go ahead, just don't be an ass-hole about it and I'll be right there laughing with you. I let fucks like this have an effect on me while growing up. You'd think by now I'd be over it but some how this brings all that anger back and it is not good!

I'm angry at my house for falling apart and leaving us in the position of not being able to sell or stay. What the hell did I do to end up being such a loser? The foundation in our house is crumbling and there is not a damn thing to do about it. We have received quotes to "fix" it but I really think that's spending good money after bad. Then there is the possibility of raising the house and replacing the entire foundation. Is it worth it for this houese? I don't think so. But what option does that leave us with? We can't sell it for enough to buy another suitable house. Whatever! The bottom line is that we are screwed right now and stuck with that. And this too makes me angry!

Maybe if I go back to bed I'll wake up feeling better. I doubt it though.

TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic

Time will tell.

Well it seems that since the vcr "emergency" things have wound up for her and she is lashing out in all the expected ways. I was sick for the last week since her emergency call and thus did not have the energy to speak to her and did not call her. She of course did not call me and now I hear via my brother that we are all to be punished and mostly due to me.

It seems that, and this is in a nutshell, since nobody is going to take care of her she is going to buy herself a 75th birthday present and go to Hawaii. Good for her I thought as did my brother when she told him this. That was until she followed that with the nugget that she was going to sell the cottage so that she could do this every year. She goes on to say she's broken hearted but would not elaborate about what. We all know that it was my suposedly saying that I would never be at the cottage when she was there that she claims broke her heart. Now as a result she says that she is punishing us by selling the cottage. That was followed with "besides I need the money anyway." It's all about the money. Oh and control. I didn't believe that she was really going on this trip but was told that she already bought her ticket. I still say I'll believe it when her plane takes off and she's on it.

I also won't believe that she will sell the cottage until I am told it's a done deal. Part of me actually wishes she would just do it already. At least it put an end to all this shit. Then I could probably be truly done with her; once and for all.

TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic

The latest

I struggle on a daily basis to contain my emotions with respect to mymomzilla. Hell I am in therapy ever second week as a result and everything I think that I have made strides toward mental health, and I have made many, I am reminded that it's not always up to me. Three examples over the last little while drive this point home with a bit of a wallop.

1. Some while ago, shortly after returning from or while we were on our road trip, mymomzilla took a drive to the cottage with her brother. While there, as she later explained to me, she wanted to move some patio furniture off of the patio and closer to the cottage. While she debated how to do this my cousin came round the corner and after exchanging niceties offered to help move the furniture for her. She was grateful and thanked him very much. End of story right? No! Several weeks later I was speaking to my cousin who tells me that as he rounded the corner of the front of the cottage he could hear her cussing a blue streak under her breath. He announced his presence with a loud and friendly "Hello there" only to have a tirade of nasty stuff about me and how I don't take care of the place and how could I leave that stuff where it was (oddly enough it was where it is always left), etc, unleashed upon him. No hello, no how are you. Just a verbal tirade about how I could do such a thing and how bad this was of me. He then offered to move the stuff for her and she told him where it should go. Despite my best efforts this really makes my blood boil. How dare she do that to me and to the one cousin I am actually close with. Fortunately he knows who she is and does not pay head to what she says but damn it pisses me off.
   
   
2. Wanting to take the high road and all we invited her and my uncle over for a holiday event a couple of weeks ago. She was well behaved and all was more or less acceptable. While they were here I was talking to my uncle about the fact that our foundation was in very bad shape and that we were in the process of figuring out what to do about it. When they were leaving I showed them both the cracking that causing the concern. Of course she had to adopt the crack as her own and make a big fuss about it and how awful it was and what were we to do especially because she doesn't have the money to help us. Um, last I checked nobody asked her for money. In any event a couple of days later she is still going on bout this crack and our situation and she tells me that she could always sell the cottage and give me my portion of the money to go towards the house repairs. I told her that she could do what she wanted with the cottage but she should not do this on my account as I did not want that money. When challenged on that I told her that I would rather have the cottage than the money and that she needn't sell it on my account. She of course took that to mean that I said that I don't want her money! What ever! Any excuse to sell will do for her and she goes on to tell me that she may have to sell it anyway. When asked why she replies that it's because it's not being used and just sitting there looking like an eyesore and besides she may need the money as there are things around her condo that she wants to do like redoing her kitchen which she claims not to use so much anymore anyways. Go figure. She tells my brother that she would rather sell it and see strangers in there than hand it over to us because she has decided we can't afford it. This one picks all of our asses as she doesn't have a hot fucking clue what we can and can not afford. Just another excuse for her to do whatever the fuck she wants.
   
   
3. Last Saturday morning she phones me very early in a complete panic. She is obviously shaken and upset and is telling me that she has an emergency and that she needs my help and will hire me to help her. Hire me! I ignore that one and with genuine concern ask what it wrong. She proceeds to tell me how her VCR stopped working and how I know how much she relies on her VCR. For god sake this is the emergency that she is phoning me first thing in the morning about!? I try to calm her done and discuss what is going on with her cherished VCR. Turns out she messed it up by using a head cleaner. I told all I would do is take it in and get it properly cleaned by a professional. She agrees and ends the call barking a terse "thank you send me a bill" at me. I tell her I'm not billing her and she replies with "Suit your self" or something like that and hangs up. A few minutes later she phones back simpering and whining about all these cords and which ones does she take off and why is her TV no longer working etc. Despite my not at all wanting to I offered to come and do it for her which was not even acknowledged. Instead she just went on and on about how she was going to do this etc. I explain to her which cord/cable is which and what to do to get the TV back etc. She yells at me that she has to move the TV and hangs up on me. This is the last I've spoken with her.

It is very difficult not to let this shit effect me. The VCR episode made me laugh to a certain degree but at the same time does not sit at all well with me. I have never nor will I ever bill her for doing something for her. In fact the reason I don't do more for her is because A) it will never be enough for her and B) she makes it almost impossible to even want to do stuff for her with crap like this. She truly is turning into my grandfather. He paid one of her brothers to help him with is shit as he got older and less capable. I'll be damned if I'm going to go down that road. The uncle who was being paid by my grandfather was the one with the biggest smile on his face when we put the old coot in the ground. She doesn't realize how she is creating the same situation with us. And if she does she is proud of it. Dumb bitch!

TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic

Why do we bother?

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I should preface this post with a quick word about a recent discovery. I have come to believe that mymomzilla is a sufferer of either Narcissistic and/or Borderline Personality Disorder. Take your pick as they are both very similar. Regardless, for some reason I have found this new found knowledge to be somewhat enlightening and for some strange reason has given me a sense of relief that A) I am not alone and B) I'm not making this shit up. Plenty of people have had or are having so similar experiences to me that there is no way it could all be in my head.

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We should have known better. I don't know why we even try. Let me tell you she was in fine form. Because we are leaving on a two week holiday we begrudgingly agreed to go out for dinner with mymomzilla last night. Her performance was such that the decision for no contact is becoming all the easier.

She was rude and angry from the get-go. We had to wait for our table and I walked in last. She had a sour look on her face that was enough to tell me that this was going to be a long dinner. Every time she opened her mouth this tone of anger, resentment, and downright disgust would spew forth. She was even throwing it at the kids this night. Asking them in this tone if they enjoyed their summer and after hearing a round of yeses spitting out 'Well! This was my worst summer ever!" Telling my wife that she was going to put a new kitchen floor in at the lake but didn't stating "why should I give a damn about the place when one else does!" Fortunately or not I was not at the table when she said that. I may not have been able to hold back. She gave my girls each a small change purse and in each was 20.00. The kids were very happy and thanked her very nicely. Of course her retort was "There is one stipulation. You have to call me when you get back." Now on the surface this would seem like a nice comment but in fact the way it was said and given that phoning seems to be an issue for mymomzilla it was bribery. I give you money not free and clear but as a fee for services rendered or to be rendered. The final straw was when dinner was finished and she had paid (at least she did that. Thanks) while my daughter was in the washroom she asks what we are waiting for? We tell her our daughter is in the washroom and she says "Well, I have my own car so I don't have to wait for anyone!" and gets up, barely says good bye to the kids and us and only by chance runs into our other daughter as she is walking out. Not sure what that was about other than being rude but there is much about mymomzilla that I am not sure about.

This was truly a bizarre dinner. She was so rude through out. Everything was about her or somehow became about her like a spoiled little schoolgirl. She laid traps wherever she could but neither I nor my wife fell for them despite how rude, insulting or sarcastic they were. Lots of hanging silences. And all the while my wife and I were both wondered why we were even bothering. And then to have it end the way it did was just the capper.

We will truly enjoy the two weeks away from here.

TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic

A recent conclusion

I've come to the conlcusion after much thought that mymomzilla has a lot of nerve calling herself a mother. How could a mother perpetrate on her family the abuse that she has and still be allowed to consider themselves a mother. Shame on her. Shame on all of the parents in this world who are so narcissistic that they can never put anyone but themselves first. Shame on them for what they have done to their families. Shame on them for thinking that they are righteous in what they do and that it is everyone else who is hurting them. They should have never brought children into this world to torture and abuse like this. I didn't ask to be here. Like it or not I am and at 43 years of age I'll be damned if I'm going to continue to allow the likes of you to abuse and hurt me like you do. If you were truly a mother, a caring mother, a healthy mother, a safe mother you wouldn't be the abusive vile human being that you are. Shame on you.

TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic

Bloodied but still standing; nothing ever changes!

Well the dreaded long weekend has come and gone but not without its casualties. When will I ever learn A) to keep my mouth shut and B) to just give up the cottage already. My neighbor at the lake who lives in Minneapolis was up for the week and she wanted to know why we weren't using the place, seeing as how it's sitting empty and all. Well she asked so I answered. Some day this will probably be my downfall.

How do you explain to someone who has been your neighbor your entire life, and who has a warm loving mother, that the woman they know as my mother is truly an evil twisted bitch without sounding like an angry rage case. And more importantly how do you make sense of the endless amounts of petty shit that momzilla has heaped upon us over the years and make that not sound like petty complaining. The truth, that's how. I told the truth. The truth is the truth no matter how it gets cast and by whom.

She tried to suggest that I try and have a conversation with my momzilla. What a joke that would be. I gave her several examples of attemps on my behalf to do just that and the devastating and ridiculous repercussion of such attemps. You can not converse with someone who does operate within the realm of truth and honesty. Momzilla is incapable of seeing the truth. She can only see things through her very warped sense of reality. Of course the bottom line here is that this will never change and all attemps and hopes to the contrary are futile and a great big waste of time and energy. Long story short my neighbor friend was appalled at some of what I told her and by the end of the conversation somewhat understood why I have to extricate my emotional self from this piece of ground known as "The Cottage." And she reiterated something that I know all too well. That it would be devastating if the cottage was sold.

I don't know what will really happen to the cottage but the truth is that after this weekend am all that much closer to cutting off all contact with mymomzilla for good. That would include the cottage and all that is invovled with it. I'm done. As heartbreaking as it is I can no longer put myself and more importantly my family through this any more. Yesterday was a very sad day for me as I privately said goodbye to many places and things out there, anticipating that this could be the beginning of the end. It was sad because instead of staying in this beautiful place with my kids for a few days, I had to pack them up at the end of the day and take them home. At least it was to our home! This is an important point as I finally get that that is her place, not "our place" as I grew up to believe. I am simply someone who is supposed to, out of some warped sense of entitlement on her part, take care of, clean, maintain and make every decision about it, while not taking any ownership at all and for no return what so ever. Now some would say the return is getting to use it whenever I want. Not true. I get to use it under her terms and must be prepared to live in it with her; something I just can't do.

So the question then becomes why would I do this? Especially when I get treated worse by her than by my worst enemy. Why am I expected to put up with any of this? Why do abusive people think they are entitled to abuse the way they do. She thinks that because she's my mother she can do and say what she damn well pleases and we will always come back for more. Sorry I don't buy that. Just because one is family does not mean they can be treated like shit. In fact it should be the opposite. Family should be treasured and treated as such. Family should be the ones you suck it up for and put on your best face. Family is someone you should be there for unequivocally. This woman who calls herself my mother us unable to do any of this. In fact she treats strangers and acquaintances far better than her family. Shame on her.

It's funny. At one point late in our conversation my neighbor commented on the fact that I seem very angry. First I told her that if she thought I was angry now she should have had this conversation with me last summer when I was a total rage case. I explained I'm more sad now than angry but that the anger that she was sensing was really coming from how this weekend went and how we allowed her to negatively influence another weekend in our summer. When I stop and think about all this I think its no wonder that I'm angry. There is good reason to be angry. I was very angry at her for not being able to allow us the pleasure of the cottage for one weekend free and clear. Hope is a double edged sword and I was hopeful that this would happen. I have now lost all hope. I was angry at myself for allowing any of this to happen AGAIN and for playing the game. Some would say that I let it. To an extent this is true but in this case it would have taken super human strength and a total lack of any kind of understanding of justice to not let this get to me. I was angry for my kids getting ripped off of their time there. The truth is that it would have been easier to deal with this if we had never been duped into thinking that we had some ownership, some entitlement, somewhere to put our pride in this place. But the reality is we are allowed none of that and instead abused for it and by it. NO MORE. I can not do this anymore.

Now I have to figure out how one extricates a parent completely from their lives. Sadly I think I have no other option. She is not going to change so what choice does that leave me. I recalled yesterday how last summer I had to remind myself that my children need their father more than I needed to be dead and gone from her tyranny. Something I was giving serious thought back then. It scared me so yesterday to think that I would consider killing myself to get away from her. My wife and kids deserve so much better. For starters they deserve a father/husband who is not damaged and angry, sad, numb all of the time. They deserve a healthy loving home with joy and happiness. They deserve parent who aren't always mirrored down in the negative shit that all this brings. They deserve to be at a place that their zaida wanted to share with them so badly.

I have tried everything that I know how and it has all failed. I won't even begin to try and explain how that and my own feelings of failure and inadequacy has compounded all of this. Suffice it to say it has not helped. I have nothing left. She told others that my father would be so very disappointed with me and the hurtful way I am treating her. That may be true. It wouldn't take much for him to be disappointed by these kinds of situations coming up and by how they are handled. But the truth is, and there's that word again, although he might have been disappointed he also would have understood, while at the same time being completely disgusted with her and her behavior.

That doesn't change a thing but it is the truth.

TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic

Fuck off and die already so that we can all have some peace.

This is the August long weekend. Around here that is a big deal. It's a long weekend and at the cottage is a festival that is over 100 years old. As always nothing is simple. That meaning we couldn't just go to the cottage and relax and enjoy ourselves. No the evil bitch also known as mymomzilla cast a shadow so far that it reaches out there and beyond.

The she devil had not been feeling well with stomach problems this week. So much so that she declined an invite from my oldest daughter to go and do something with her, or so she said. Keep in mind that this is the bitch who complains with regularity that she doesn't see my kids enough. Of course she went out that night and the next day and then out for dinner that night. Feeling pretty bad was she? When I call her back to see how she is I get the answering machine. She then leaves a message on our machine where I am told not to concern myself with her health as she is being well taken care of so there is no need to inquire as to how she is feeling.

Yesterday, again after much thought, argument, tears, and more discussion my wife and I decided to take the kids to the lake. I should point out how the decision to do so should be a no-brainer but because of her it is incredibly complicated. Then we made the fatal error of "doing the right thing." We figured, as we are in a loose, loose situation we don't want it to look like we are sneaking out there so we would phone the bitch to A) see how she was feeling and B) let her know that we were going to go. When I told her I called because of A she said that she phoned me last night and left a message as to how her health was. I told her that I got it! So then I told her B to which she says "I'll see you there tomorrow. Last night while out for dinner my brother (he who takes such good care of her) asked me if I wanted to go and I said sure I did, I've got nothing better to do. Everyone I know is going to be out there and I'm won't be and I'm the only one who has a cottage." So I ask her why she won't be there. "It's too hard. To pack and schlep is too hard." Then she reiterates in her nastiest way that I needn't be concerned with her health and that she can take care of herself just fine.

After this call we struggle some more about whether to go or not. Do we go or do we say "why bother" and stay and avoid all this nonsense. Fuck she can't be nice even for a minute. Evil, evil evil bitch. Part of me wants to say fuck her and go and have fun despite the bitch. But are we being crazy for even thinking about going? BUT THEN...

Fate has a very strange way of intervening; not that this was good. We had decided to say fuck her and go despite how anxiety provoking going was. While I was getting stuff ready my youngest daughter fell off the counter in the kitchen and bent her wrist back while landing on the floor. She needed to go for an Xray at the very least. We didn't go any where last night except to the hospital. She didn't break it but has a cast on to immobilize it. So this morning I decide to phone the bitch and tell her that she won't be seeing us out there because of what happened. She's all "why what happened?" So I tell her and of course the first thing she says is "You should have called me!" I pointed out that I was busy taking my daughter to the hospital!

She's still going out there with her brother and says she's going to call me when she gets back and maybe she'll come and see my daughter then. We will either be out or on our way to the cottage at that time. At this point I really want to have nothing to do with her. I can't stand even the thought of seeing her let alone actually being in her company. She repulses me in ways that I can't even begin to describe. I have never felt this way about anyone. The fact that it's my mother makes it even worse. All I really want to say to her is "Fuck off and die already so that we can all have some peace."

And that's were I'm at today.

TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse | borderline | narcissistic

Only I to blame right now.

Today was shit! And why? Because I let her and all that is happening around her and the cottage invade my head and my heart. She asked me to make her understand. Well I've concluded/remembered that there is no way in hell for me to make her understand so to try is futile. In fact it will acomplish nothing and probably hurt her to boot. Now I may wish her gone but I really don't want to hurt her. That despite the hurt she has heaped upon me over the years.

I have had to remind myself over and over today that I am not responsble for her understanding me or why I have to do what I am doing. I am not responsible for her happiness. I would like to be a part of her happiness but that seems impossible right now and by her choice. That makes me think of it as willfull on her part and that hurts even more. It is taking everything in my power to not let anger over ride all other emotions right now. The way I see it I have some good reason to be pretty angry. She has had a negative influence on my summers for far to long. I can no longer have her influence my summers this way. She may be my mother but she has no right to ruin my time the way she does. Shame on her and shame on me for allowing it.

TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse

It's been a while but not much has changed...

Things have not be going well with myself and my momzilla lately so I felt the need to write today. I don't even know where to begin but I can say with certainty that she is yet again trying to kill me and pretends to not know what she is doing. In fact today she accused me of being mean to her! Can you believe that! She actually said to me "I'm your mother how could you be so mean to me?" I had to stifle a laugh and the first thing that popped into my head was "me mean? take a look in the mirror bitch. How could you be so mean and abusive to your children?"

As per history, she started in April/May with her torrent of shit about the cottage. We need to do this, we need to do that, much of which is not anywhere near a priority to do. In fact these things where, as always, more about appearances and what other perceive than what really needs to be done. Referring to it as my cottage when she wants to give a dig. Wanting to rent it as much as possible, all the while expecting me to do the dirty grunt work with nothing but grief in return. I would move heaven and earth for that place but can no longer while she is involved. Not anymore. May and June were once again horrendous and only further sullied my feelings for this place. There is no relaxing out there, no enjoying the place as a result of her whether she is there or not. She plays the push me pull me game about whether she will use it or not and can not understand why it might be difficult to spend any length of time there with her. I would spend most of the summer out there if it were on my own with my family. She is too crazy, erratic and abusive to do that with her there. For my mental health and that of my kids I could not be there with her.

She destroyed my eastern brother so badly one call that he finally lost it on her and spewed a whole bunch true but hurtful crap at her. A a result he was supposed to be coming in to paint the place but is not now. This is what I am trying to avoid but when push comes to shove I fear that one day I will not be able to restrain myself and I too will tell what needs to be said but in an unproductive hurtful way. Despite my true feelings about her I am not out to hurt her, just to get here to leave me alone.

After driving me crazy for the month of June she ended up out there for a couple of weeks in July in between renters. While there all she did was see what in her mind needed doing and how crappie the place is. She can no longer see anything positive about anything. Wanting a new kitchen floor for a very long time she decided to look into it. This resulted in her calling me several times to discuss what she thinks she wanted. I don't really care about the floor but was asked what I thought about replacing the bathroom carpet with this new vinyl flooring. She asked me so I told her what I thought; that being that the floor gets cold in the spring and fall but that it was her decision to make. She figured that once she was spending 1000.00 another 500.00 for the bathroom wouldn't amount to much, This from the same mouth that continued on to complain about getting a 300.00 bill from the grass cutter. She simpers and whimpers about everything and want me to make all of her decisions for her. This I will not do! This conversion devolved to the point where she said "well maybe it's time to get rid of this place." I think my response floored her when I said if that is what's going to make you happy then do it! I continued to explain that the cottage and the way things are done there seemed to make her so unhappy that if selling was gong to make her happy then she should sell it. After a couple of shots she then asked me if it would make me happy to which I replied with an emphatic NO, but that it was completely irrelevant how I felt as it's her cottage and she has always made that perfectly clear hence it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You see her sons have always thought of this place as the "Families." But not her; even when my dad was alive and because her name was on the paper work she would torture my father with statements about how easy she could sell this place right out from under all of us. So the threat of selling is nothing new and get trotted out when she feels like getting really nasty. his is how our conversation went and she did not like it so she hung up after saying that she could not talk about this anymore. Fine, I don't need to talk about it either.

Today she calls to talk about some dike stuff (long story) and then tried to start up with me about managing the cottage. Am I still involved or does she need to hire someone to open and close? I tried in vain to say that I was not yet prepared to have this conversation but that I am committed to see this season through. After being forced to repeat this several different times and ways I was finally pushed to tell her that after this season if she wants to sit down and discuss this further I would do that but that there are some things that need to change in the future if I am to continue to do so. Of course that led to her demanding to know what she has done to me to make it so difficult. "I've given you cart-blanche to do what you want there" she had the nerve to say. Again it's all about her and her demanding to know what she has done that's so awful. Much as I wanted to open the floodgates I bit my tongue and told her that I was not ready to discuss this but after this season is done, if she likes , we could sit down and discuss what I need to be different if we are to co-manage the cottage together but right now the way it is is not working for ME. Again more demands for details and trying to get me to tell her what's so bad she has done. I tried to explain that this about me and me doing what I needed to do for me. That as well turned into her hearing something completely different and of course about her. Because we all know everything is a bout her. The ended poorly and yet again I have another day adversely effected by that bitch. She's driving in today and my first thought was that perhaps she'll have an accident and put us all out of our misery. Awful to some I know, but to me it has become a mantra.

Suffice it to say that we have used the place very little this year and will not be using it this weekend despite that fact that we are experiencing a heat wave.

TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse