It seems that avoiding mymomzilla is one of the best and easiest coping mechanisms. I feel much better at the end of the day if I haven't had any contact with her. Now all I have to do is find a way where having contact with her doesn't affect me so. The last couple of days have been better (very little contact.) Having said that I still have her, the cottage, Sid and any other fixer in my world pop into my head on a far to regular basis. I have managed to control those thoughts a little better but they still pop in and out of my head randomly and without cause or warning. That really sucks.
We will not go to the lake this weekend despite the warm weather. I don't think any of us could handle it. The kids haven't even mentioned it and I am just as happy not to go and take the chance of what could happen. With no festival etc. to run away to it would be too much for my wife or I to handle. As my western brother pointed out he often wonders how my wife is able to cope with mymomzilla at all. I often wonder this myself and know that I owe her for all the crap she's had to put up with from her. No one deserves that especially my wife who has to deal with me and my shit on top of her and her evilness.
My feelings are still both anger and loathing for mymomzilla. I really have to let go of some of my anger but am finding it difficult. Especially due to the fact that I have been cleaning up my E-mails of late and in the process have re-read some from 2002 and it's the same shit all over again. Nothing will ever change from her end and as much as I may resent it I have finally learnt that I will have to be the one to change; change how I feel and deal with the evil mymomzilla. This brings me back to one of my universal problems with how life seems to go; that the truly evil, selfish and vile people get what they want because the people around them change to accommodate them and their evil ways. Still I guess it's better to do that than turn into one of them, which seems to be the only alternative. If it takes me the rest of my life I swear I will do whatever it takes to NOT turn into her.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Monday, August 01, 2005
Slice and dice, no one is safe from the knife.
Well we have returned from the lake and are relatively unscathed. More aggravated than scathed I'd say. She was on her better behaviour which under normal circumstances is barely tolerable. There were many times where I had to take deep breaths and or take a short walk or bite my tongue really hard or suck on an Ativan. Avoidance was the name of the game for me although it was not done in a rude way. More like a survivor way.
We stayed just long enough and managed to avoid any issues, much as she tried to at times. She might have got more gnarly with us if not for a call from my eastern brother who was looking for his inheritance from my grandfather which was supposed to come in August. It being delayed proved to be a real problem for him as it would mean he was going to have to forfeit on a place and move in to a shelter. She of course gave him a viscous ride telling him that he wouldn't be getting anything until whenever, and that he was 49 and ought to be getting a life by now, and that she didn't have any money for him. She sliced him and diced him until I'm sure he felt like shit when he got off the phone. She on the other hand spent the evening squawking about his call and what should she do and should she send him the money, blah, blah blah blah, me, me, me, me. She even asked me what my father would have done. I just ignored her or told her I had no answers for her. Of course she did not sleep and by morning was determined to front him the money and get it back when it comes in. This created an instant need to tell him but she did not have the number out there. So in essence he had paid enough of a price with the slice and dice to be worthy of the good deed. Why does it have to be so costly? I don't for a second mean to justify much of my brother's behaviour, or predicaments but he, like the rest of us does not deserve to be treated that way. It proves to be very costly and surely has had something to do with where and who he is.
In the meantime no sooner have I walked through the front door and mymomzilla is on the phone wanting the number for my brother. She couldn't get it through directory assistance and she and her loser brother had hatched some plan to get the money to him tomorrow. I'm so glad they have each other to fulfill each others lives. Better him than me, just stay the fuck out of my business!
Anyway, we went and as much as I could write about the details of the weekend I'll just say this: We did what we needed to for our kids and a little bit for our own sanity and I feel good about that. I am still having trouble having anything but unpleasant feelings for mymomzilla. There were several times where even a seemingly innocent comment would make me have to bite my tongue. They were more or less her normal vile banter but I was feeling particularly prone to it. Her loser brother was even worse. I thought, albeit briefly, about just starting by rudely saying "I have nothing to say to you!" as she did previously. And if she asked why I did it I could have said the same to her as she to me, "because I felt like it!" Instead I was able to control myself enough to have a somewhat pleasant albeit meaningless conversation. To my good fortune we got onto a topic that, by virtue of past employment, I knew much more about than my uncle, who just hates it when he knows he doesn't know more than you about a given topic. Just as we started chatting though, he had obviously been talking to mymomzilla about where I was at and told me that I shouldn't take myself so seriously. That that's what he was always told. So I told them both not to worry and that it wasn't me who I was taking too seriously.
At least its over and I can now look forward to the coming week. Let's hope it's a good one. I need a good week.
We stayed just long enough and managed to avoid any issues, much as she tried to at times. She might have got more gnarly with us if not for a call from my eastern brother who was looking for his inheritance from my grandfather which was supposed to come in August. It being delayed proved to be a real problem for him as it would mean he was going to have to forfeit on a place and move in to a shelter. She of course gave him a viscous ride telling him that he wouldn't be getting anything until whenever, and that he was 49 and ought to be getting a life by now, and that she didn't have any money for him. She sliced him and diced him until I'm sure he felt like shit when he got off the phone. She on the other hand spent the evening squawking about his call and what should she do and should she send him the money, blah, blah blah blah, me, me, me, me. She even asked me what my father would have done. I just ignored her or told her I had no answers for her. Of course she did not sleep and by morning was determined to front him the money and get it back when it comes in. This created an instant need to tell him but she did not have the number out there. So in essence he had paid enough of a price with the slice and dice to be worthy of the good deed. Why does it have to be so costly? I don't for a second mean to justify much of my brother's behaviour, or predicaments but he, like the rest of us does not deserve to be treated that way. It proves to be very costly and surely has had something to do with where and who he is.
In the meantime no sooner have I walked through the front door and mymomzilla is on the phone wanting the number for my brother. She couldn't get it through directory assistance and she and her loser brother had hatched some plan to get the money to him tomorrow. I'm so glad they have each other to fulfill each others lives. Better him than me, just stay the fuck out of my business!
Anyway, we went and as much as I could write about the details of the weekend I'll just say this: We did what we needed to for our kids and a little bit for our own sanity and I feel good about that. I am still having trouble having anything but unpleasant feelings for mymomzilla. There were several times where even a seemingly innocent comment would make me have to bite my tongue. They were more or less her normal vile banter but I was feeling particularly prone to it. Her loser brother was even worse. I thought, albeit briefly, about just starting by rudely saying "I have nothing to say to you!" as she did previously. And if she asked why I did it I could have said the same to her as she to me, "because I felt like it!" Instead I was able to control myself enough to have a somewhat pleasant albeit meaningless conversation. To my good fortune we got onto a topic that, by virtue of past employment, I knew much more about than my uncle, who just hates it when he knows he doesn't know more than you about a given topic. Just as we started chatting though, he had obviously been talking to mymomzilla about where I was at and told me that I shouldn't take myself so seriously. That that's what he was always told. So I told them both not to worry and that it wasn't me who I was taking too seriously.
At least its over and I can now look forward to the coming week. Let's hope it's a good one. I need a good week.
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