Only I to blame right now.

Today was shit! And why? Because I let her and all that is happening around her and the cottage invade my head and my heart. She asked me to make her understand. Well I've concluded/remembered that there is no way in hell for me to make her understand so to try is futile. In fact it will acomplish nothing and probably hurt her to boot. Now I may wish her gone but I really don't want to hurt her. That despite the hurt she has heaped upon me over the years.

I have had to remind myself over and over today that I am not responsble for her understanding me or why I have to do what I am doing. I am not responsible for her happiness. I would like to be a part of her happiness but that seems impossible right now and by her choice. That makes me think of it as willfull on her part and that hurts even more. It is taking everything in my power to not let anger over ride all other emotions right now. The way I see it I have some good reason to be pretty angry. She has had a negative influence on my summers for far to long. I can no longer have her influence my summers this way. She may be my mother but she has no right to ruin my time the way she does. Shame on her and shame on me for allowing it.

TAGS: mother | abuse | momzilla | mental abuse