Never easy, but perhaps easier?

I have received some more excellent comments from some of the posters on one of the forums I go to. One in particular I felt was worth posting here. It never ceases to amaze me how interchangeable many of these experiences are:

...but NPD always has that 'Well, maybe things will be different this time', but it never is. It is a mental illness, and just like many mental illnesses it is something which you cannot be expected to be able to handle. You know this. Don't forget it. We all know this.

followed by:

So please understand, Ross, you are certainly not alone. It is great you have a sense of care for her, but you cannot be expected to endure all that messing around and all the rest of it which will just ruin your life and that of your family. It is not your fault. It is not your mum's fault. It is mental illness. You have been robbed. She has been robbed. Is it one of the saddest things there is? Yes. But that is how it is. Have NC, totally. Do not feel bad. Everyone forgives you, or they would if they understood. And God forgives you, too. And even your mum, in heaven, in her right mind, would forgive you and say you did the right thing. You are ok, Ross, your post checks this out. You are not superhuman. You have done more than others would or could, but you can't do everything, you have limits, so take a break from the guilt, eh.

With the help of people like this and others I was able to reconcile that despite her health issues and some of the guilt that I was feeling I can't have anything to do with her. My head is telling me this. My body is telling me this and sadly my heart knows this to be true.

I liken it to being a victim of abuse. As much as I hate the victim moniker it is appropriate here. She abused me. I had to separate from her via no contact (NC) as a result. Health issues had me thinking I should be there for her. Then my body and mind reminded me that I couldn't. From the reactions I was having; a building sense of fear and uncertainty and a general physical feeling of anxiety about it all, it was quite clear to me that I had to maintain NC. That my reactions were completely normal for one considering reengaging with their abuser. I may be more over it now then ever, but I have obviously not forgotten it either. Nor can I afford to go back there with her. Not now and sadly probably not ever.